Democrats straddle a spider hole

News of Saddam Hussein’s capture had just been announced when my telephone rang. It was Murray “The Demo” Crat, spin doctor par excellence for the Democratic National Committee. He was in a panic.

“What are we going to do?” he said, without preamble. I recognized him instantly from the wail in his voice. He calls in times of crisis because I’m L.A.’s senior liberal puke, so named by a sensitive conservative reader.

“About what?” I said, teasing him along. “The weather? John Kerry’s hairdo? The breakup of Jen and Ben?”

“The guy in the hole!”

“Ah, him. That would be Saddam Hussein. And you’re wondering what to do about the new feather in the 10-gallon hat of our president, correct?”

“Air Force One is trailing a damned banner that says, ‘I captured Saddam!’ This is a disaster for us!”

“However,” I said, “it might be good for the country.”

“That’s the trouble, man, don’t you see? If it’s good for the country for any length of time we’re in deep doo-doo. Confusion reigns among our candidates even now! Are we for the capture or are we against the capture, or are we both for it and against it, or do we just ignore the whole thing?”

“Well, there is the straddle factor,” I said, “but you can’t just ignore the basic issue. Bush is going to send up balloons and lead parades and commission songs about it or, even worse, handle it in an intelligent, civil, low-key manner.”

“The dirty, conniving devil would do something like that! We’re just going to have to downplay it. You know, like, so we got Saddam, big deal, throw him in the slammer and move on.”

“You’re going to downplay the capture of one of the most evil men in the world? Face it, Murray, we’ve been upstaged.”

“What’re you, a closet Republican? Where’s the liberal puke we knew who could find evil in the best of intentions and goodness in the worst of intentions?” His voice broke. “This is awful.... “

“Are you crying?”

“No,” he said, fighting for control. “Democrats don’t cry!”

I felt sorry for the guy. While his party’s presidential candidates are busy knocking each other over the head, the Cowboy stuns the world by announcing the capture of Saddam Hussein in tones that imply that he personally dragged him up out of the hole like a gardener after a gopher.

“Look,” I said, “I really want to help, but this is a no-win situation unless you fund an army of mercenaries and they capture Osama bin Laden.”

“No good. Hillary’s already doing that, and she doesn’t count.”

“She’s hired mercenaries?”

“What’d you think she was doing over there, baking cookies?”

“Well, I’ll be.”

“You know what I think? I think Bush has had Saddam in that hole for months. He was saving him to pop out just when criticism of the war reached a high pitch!”

“And maybe Bin Laden is in another hole, right? And it’s all a conspiracy by the Republican National Committee. First Saddam pops up and then, about a month before the election, Bin Laden pops up! Is that what you’re thinking, Murray? A kind of October Surprise in the works?”

“I wouldn’t put it past Bush. Those Texas people are wily. He’ll be leading Saddam around on a leash before you know it. And then we’ll ... “

A long silence.

“You still there, Murray? Hello?”

“I’ve got it!” His voice was tense with discovery. An idea was born.

“If you’re thinking of helping him escape ... “

“No, no! There’ll be a trial, right?”

“Well, sort of. After we finish displaying him, so to speak.”

“He’ll need a lawyer. So we get him Johnnie Cochran, who gets him out on bail, see? And then we make an exclusive deal with Johnnie that will give us all of the rights to Saddam’s story!” His voice began to rise. “I see a book deal, a movie of the week, Oprah, Jay, Dave, maybe even Jerry. And you know who’s going to be with him all the way, Puke? Our candidate, man! A Democrat!”

“And which Democrat will that be?”

“That’s the beauty of it. Who cares? They’re not going to be voting for him! They’ll be voting on Saddam, the hit of the year, and he’ll be ours!”

I didn’t want to rain on Murray’s parade, but there’s no way the plan will work. Even Johnnie won’t be able to get the Butcher of Baghdad out on bail. But one thing’s for certain. Saddam Hussein is going to play a big part in the next election, one way or the other. In politics, even evil isn’t wasted. It’s the American way.

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Al Martinez’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He’s at al.martinez@latimes.com.