Yuletide Parking Is Same Old Story

A Brief History of Christmas-Season Parking, From Rome to South Coast Plaza:

Early Middle Ages: Christmas is still a relatively new holiday during the early years of this period, and it’s reflected in parking practices. Few rules have been established, and chaos abounds on the dusty streets outside the marketplaces.

Complicating matters is the variation in modes of transportation, reflecting the class conflicts that mark the era. The well-to-do own horse-drawn carts and feel entitled to the best parking spaces. Most people, however, still shop by donkey.

For that reason, it isn’t uncommon during the shopping season to hear a haughty lord scream at a peasant: “Get your ass out of my spot!” Beneath his breath, the peasant would mutter: “Oh, Mr. Big Shot and his cart with the wooden wheels.”

Fearful of a flogging, however, the peasant always accedes to the lord’s wishes and resumes the nerve-racking circling of the marketplace in search of an opening. Because it is rare to find policing of parking areas, all too often a poor family returns from shopping to find that its donkey has been stolen or exchanged for a goat.

Later Middle Ages: Just about the time peasants start making enough to afford carts (although oxen-drawn), the rich move up to carriages. This is a major breakthrough for them, because the roomier interiors of the coaches allow shoppers to return to them, leave packages inside while the coachman guards them, then return to the shops. It is during this period that shoppers first began complaining that vehicles linger for hours in the same parking space.

1800s: American pioneers, an emerging consumer group, bring their rough-hewn manners to parking areas outside frontier stores. While convenient for overland travel, the large Conestogas are clunky when it comes to backing into tight spots. Not surprisingly, frequent fights arise over covered wagons that take up parts of two or more spaces. In 1868, for example, more people are killed in Wyoming in parking-related incidents (114) than in the Indian wars.

1920s-’90s: The mass availability of the automobile, coupled with Americans’ sense of hubris after winning two world wars, transforms holiday parking habits. Because of their ability to accelerate suddenly in ways not previously dreamed of with horse- and ox-drawn vehicles, drivers begin using their cars as objects of intimidation at shopping sites.

The addition of the horn, never a popular feature on covered wagons, adds to the contentiousness of the parking experience. Originally conceived as a greeting device, the horn becomes a battle cry -- the final warning before the commencing of a physical assault.

Early 21st Century: Americans lose all grasp of reality during the ever-lengthening holiday period.

Conscientious and mild-mannered homemakers become fire-breathing charioteers as they patrol for parking spaces with toddlers in tow. Males already in high-testosterone mode navigate Ford trucks into parking spaces built for Pintos.

Larger and larger vehicles squeeze into smaller and smaller parking spaces. Flanked by Hummers and other tank-sized artillery vehicles, shoppers in normal-sized cars are increasingly unable to back out of parking spots successfully. Class warfare erupts anew as compact-car drivers wage futile duels with SUVs, which not only dominate square footage in lots but can store up to a dozen large packages, more than any Middle Ages carriage.

Sadly, holiday shoppers have yet to master the niceties of Yuletide peace and brotherhood. The sad proof is illustrated by the most commonly heard phrase of the Christmas-shopping season:

“Get your ass out of my spot!”

Dana can be reached at (714) 966-7821, at dana.parsons @latimes.com or at The Times’ O.C. edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626.