Globally, Poison Pen Has Its Place

And now, a few random observations....

Turnips and Swedes

There is nothing the English tabloids love better than an unexpected and humiliating defeat by their national team.

Just ask Graham Taylor, whose face was famously superimposed on a turnip in a full-page tabloid newspaper photograph back in the days when he was England’s beleaguered coach.

Last week, it was Sven-Goran Eriksson’s turn to be pilloried after the Swede watched in woe as his English players were beaten, 3-1, by the Australians. The headlines were predictably hostile:

“Roo-bish,” roared one tabloid.

“Kanga-poo,” claimed a slightly less tasteful rival.

“Shockeroos,” said a more restrained competitor.

Even the once-staid Times of London got in on the act, blasting England defender Rio Ferdinand -- bought by Manchester United for $47 million last July -- for his particularly inept display.

“Ferdinand fell over like one of those British girls in a pink tutu who come in 19th with marks such as 3.9 and we have to admire her pluck and agree that the experience will do her good,” was the scathing verdict of one Times of London columnist.

And U.S. Coach Bruce Arena and his players think they get criticized?

They should be so lucky.

When, for example, was the last time the words “pink tutu” and “Danny Califf” appeared in the same sentence in a U.S. publication?

Then again, these days the Galaxy’s Califf is playing better than Manchester United’s Ferdinand.

Not So Brazilliant

If England’s sportswriters can inject their columns with humor and venom in equal measure, so can their Brazilian newspaper and television counterparts.

During the world champions’ feeble 0-0 tie in China last week in a game that netted the Brazilian federation more than $1 million, the play of Roberto Carlos and company was described as “bureaucratic” and the match itself as nothing more than “a money-grabbing kickabout.”

Television commentator Galvao Bueno compared the Brazilian players to government employees going through the motions.

“It’s a bit like the bureaucrat who hangs his jacket on his seat and leaves the computer switched on to pretend he’s really working,” Bueno said.

And Coach Carlos Alberto Parreira, no doubt, was the cup of coffee, sitting off to one side, steaming.

Drawing a Blanco

Then there was Mexico’s 0-0 tie with Colombia in Phoenix in a game that served as a perfect advertisement for just how mediocre each team is.

Not to mention just how overrated Mexico’s best-known striker is.

If there is a bigger whiner in North America than Cuauhtemoc Blanco, please point him out.

Seldom in the history of the Tricolor has there been a player who complains as much.

Blanco is known as “the camel” in Mexico because of his hunched shoulders and peculiar gait. As if this were not bad enough, he draws even more attention to himself with his on-field histrionics. He throws his arms in the air in frustration; he finger-points at those he believes have fouled him; he berates referees at every turn; he plays up to any camera in sight.

You would think he was a star, but Blanco couldn’t cut it in Europe and he hasn’t exactly turned on Club America’s offense since his return to the Mexican league.

Blanco, 29, is supposed to be the provider of goals, but Mexico has been successively blanked by the U.S., Argentina and Colombia. It has not scored a goal in its last 270-plus minutes of play.

It will come as no surprise if Coach Ricardo Lavolpe soon does himself and everyone else a favor by leaving his prima donna off the roster.

Juggle, Juggle

Leave it to FIFA to come up with a notion so bizarre that it makes sense.

The Arab world has not yet taken to women’s soccer. The fact that bare knees and elbows are nothing but bare knees and elbows whether they belong to men or women is an idea that has yet to penetrate.

So what did FIFA do in the United Arab Emirates the other day?

It had blond and leggy Milene Domingues, the soccer-playing wife of Brazilian hero Ronaldo, juggle a ball for 15 minutes at the Zayed Sports City Stadium in Abu Dhabi as part of a promotion for next month’s FIFA World Youth Championship in the UAE.

The fact that Domingues looks a darn sight better in a soccer uniform than her husband probably was not lost on those in attendance, either. And that was FIFA’s plan all along.

“Over time, we will see a women’s football team in every country in the Arab world,” said tournament chairman Jack Warner, CONCACAF’s president and a FIFA vice president. “Mark my words, things will change. Maybe not in my lifetime, but they will.”

A Mote in Their Eye

Finally, with the Galaxy’s new stadium in Carson less than four months from completion, is it too late to suggest a design change?

Nothing major, just a useful addition, a traditional element found in many South and Central American stadia: a moat.

Moats, it seems, are back in favor these days. Only a few weeks ago, one made news in the Romanian village of Nicolae Balcescu.

There, according to UEFA.com, Alexandru Cringus, the owner of fourth-division FC Steaua, had a ditch built around his pitch in order to thwart fans from running onto the field. Then Cringus came up with an even bolder idea.

“I set my men to dig the moat and filled it with water,” he said. “Now, you will see only ducks swimming there, but in the spring everybody will get a real shock. I had an idea, which is maybe crazy, but I think it will help us.

“I was in [the nearby town of] Rimnico Vilcea when I saw a crocodile in a pet shop. I asked how much it was, and when I found out they are only 470 Euros [about $475], I went straight to local businesses to sponsor them.

“As soon as it is warm enough, I will introduce them to the ditches. No fan will be brave enough to jump across the ditch. I don’t think we’ll have any trouble with pitch invasions now.”

No, probably not.

In Carson, if it’s too late to put a moat inside the stadium, then how about outside?

After all, something surely will have to be done to keep those rowdy tennis types off soccer’s turf.