For Sun-Damaged Californians, the Truth on Recall

I was at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee and the morning papers when I came across a New York Times article about the recall of California Gov. Gray Davis.

The national fascination with us is understandable. Half the state’s on fire, the Legislature can’t agree on the time of day in the middle of a $38-billion budget shortfall, a car alarm tycoon is heading up the recall campaign, and everyone’s waiting to see if the Terminator runs for governor.

But I’ve been insulted by the so-called major media’s treatment of the story, because my campaign has been virtually ignored. Time magazine -- which I wrote columns for -- mentioned me, but not by name.

The New York Times at least set the record straight. I was mentioned next to a photo of Gov. Davis, in the same paragraph as a possible candidate who keeps hogging all the attention:

“Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has an impressive physique but no experience in state finance, is weighing a run, and a Los Angeles Times columnist, Steve Lopez, says he is running too.”

What, there’s something wrong with my physique?

As for Schwarzenegger, Bill Simon, Darrell Issa, and Dick Riordan, the most frequently mentioned characters in the gubernatorial follies, I’ve got one question:

Where you from?

There’s not a single California native in that illustrious crop of carpetbaggers and wannabes. And Davis is from another planet altogether. But yours truly was born and raised in conservative Contra Costa County up north, and now I live in loopy L.A.

Don’t you think it’s time for a home-grown solution to the state’s problems?

“And you’ve got the ethnic name, which could help,” said Republican strategist Arnie Steinberg.

Exactamente!

This recall election is about as discriminating as a pie-eating contest. Anyone can enter, and if a lot of candidates belly up, I could become governor by sweeping the vote in my hometown of Pittsburg (Calif.)

Unfortunately, I appear to have lost a few votes as a result of my Wednesday column, in which I made the mistake of being too honest for a politician.

My sin was to say the recall is another example of sun-damaged Californians thinking any old problem can be fixed by petition. In this case, it’s a recall petition that leaves us with the question: What now?

“WHAT NOW???” one reader wrote in a typical tirade. “THAT’S EASY. We kick the lying, incompetent, conniving, malcontent out of office. That’s WHAT NOW. THEN we put someone in that MAY or MAY NOT undo the mess. We will never know unless we get the jerk out of office.”

It’s clear that as governor, I’m going to have to eliminate virtually every other state program and beef up adult education.

Now I want everyone listen up, because I’m about to say what no other candidate will say.

California’s problem is you, pal. You were off in the clouds, as usual, and now that there’s trouble, suddenly you’re an expert on affairs of state.

Yeah, Gray Davis spent too much time panhandling and not enough time governing, and the fat contract he gave prison guards is Exhibit A in how to sell out to the highest bidder.

But do you think there’s a single legislator who isn’t guilty of the same sins, or another state that isn’t in a budget pickle?

California Democrats should have been smarter, in hindsight, but the crash of the tech industry and the stock market surprised a lot of us. And bloated state budgets were passed with both Democratic and Republican votes. But why let such details spoil the luxury of self-righteous anger?

My more astute readers insist the governor could quickly balance the books by using the line-item veto, or by busing illegal aliens back home, or by “eliminating fraud.” Others claim President Bush is responsible for California’s problems because of his thieving pals in the energy business.

All of these people should be avoided at parties. They speak a sliver of truth, but on the whole, they are simpletons who see the world in black and white, without complexity or nuance.

Whether you care to hear it or not, there ain’t much wiggle room in the budget because of pensions, salaries and hundreds of other fixed costs. That’s why the most sensible solution is to trim some programs here, raise some taxes there, and be more conservative next time the economy fattens up.

But that’s hard to comprehend for the average ding-dong who gets his news in 10-second snippets sandwiched between car chases on the 11 o’clock news. These are the same geniuses whose eyes glaze over at the mention of campaign finance reform or the public financing of elections, both of which would help pump the cesspool.

Everybody’s out of the loop until something goes wrong, and now we can’t wait to drop the guillotine.

As a result, we are headed for a two- or three-month brawl that serves up the worst aspects of campaign politics. We’ll get obscene amounts of campaign spending, vicious personal attacks, and a barrage of TV ads so wretched and insulting, millions of people will turn off and tune out.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If it’s going to be a circus, let’s send in the best clown.

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The S. Lo for Governor Committee can be reached at steve.lopez@latimes.com.