Mighty Ducks Haven’t Earned His Endorsement

Game 6 of the Stanley Cup finals. I’m told Lord Stanley never made the trip to the finals. I’m not surprised. I’ve taken my seat in the Pond. “Now I lay me down to sleep.”

Everybody else seems excited. Beer is still an $8 a glass rip-off because Disney hasn’t sold the team yet. I can’t imagine sitting through one of these things without one in each hand or without getting paid to be here.

I have read the hockey stories in the morning newspaper. There is a first time for everything in life. One of The Times’ writers comes to the conclusion about the Ducks in paragraph four: “This game is their season.” If the Ducks win I wonder what she’s going to write before Game 7.

The lights have been turned down -- Disney trying to save money, I presume. Management begins a slide show using the ice as its screen. You know how exciting home movies are.

The announcer urges the audience to make noise because they are now live on ABC -- although ratings indicate only two or three people still snowbound in Montana are watching. The Anaheim faithful oblige because they’ve already been trained by a monkey to cheer whenever asked.

A spotlight finds Wild Wing perched above the ice. You think you’ve got it tough at work, try dressing like a wacko duck every day. The critter jumps from the ceiling. I’m not surprised, but I’m stunned there isn’t a line behind him waiting to take the plunge rather than sit through three hours of chilling boredom.

The scoreboard is flashing: “A Mighty Decade.” I don’t recall much more than two or three games in all that time. Everyone, of course, is now a die-hard Duck fan, which makes it hard to explain why no one is watching them on TV.

ABC shows Emilio Estevez and notes he was the star in three Mighty Ducks’ movies. I recall one. The Grocery Store Bagger says it’s the best movie he ever saw. Of all the grocery stores in the world, the daughter had to go in his.

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THE GAME begins, someone shoots the puck off the Toshiba board, which rolls along the Del Taco sign before it’s sent flying across the LG Mobile Phones logo. Two players are wrapped in an angry clinch against the Bryman College boards; it has to be a proud advertising moment for Bryman College. I’m sure thugs everywhere will now want to enroll.

Someone scores for the Ducks. I know this because a fog horn sounds and I open my eyes. It appears Steve Rucchin took a long shot, which bounced off the skate of New Jersey’s Scott Stevens and into the net. Rucchin gets credit for the goal and two more Ducks are awarded assists when it’s really Stevens who scored. This is why I’m not a member of any fantasy hockey league.

The Ducks go ahead, 3-0. This is their season, after all. The Devils seem out of it. “One or two [goals] seems to get the ball rolling,” says New Jersey Coach Pat Burns later, and I guess if he doesn’t know they play hockey with a puck that doesn’t bode well for the rest of the Devils.

ABC shows Meg Ryan watching the hockey game -- talk about Courage Under Fire. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman is seen standing behind Ryan. I don’t care what others say, he’s no dummy as far as I’m concerned.

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NEW JERSEY scored. OK, so I’m told the Devils scored. I needed a cup of coffee. It’s 3-1. Then the Devils knocked out the Ducks’ best player. Stevens, the guy who scored for the Ducks, delivered a classic NFL cut-back block on Paul Kariya, who went down in a heap. They scooped Kariya off the ice, the game continued and Kariya came back to score, much to the delight of sportswriters. Apparently some have criticized him and will now be eager to give him the resurrection treatment.

Following the game, a breathless reporter for ABC asked Kariya about the excitement of being 60 minutes and a trip to New Jersey away from winning the Stanley Cup, and Kariya replied, “We’re used to traveling -- living out West.” One more reminder that great athletes should be seen, but not always heard.

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IT’S 4-1 Ducks after two periods. ABC goes to Al Michaels and Kurt Russell to plug a Disney movie about the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team. Michaels is well known for saying, “Do you believe in miracles?” It’s going to take that to keep the three viewers in Montana watching the third period. ABC is already hyping Game 7.

ABC shows David Hasselhoff in the crowd. It’s come to this. I guess the Butler from “Joe Millionaire” couldn’t be convinced to attend the game.

The Ducks win, 5-2, there will be a seventh game and ABC’s audience might very well double for the game. Maybe one of them will e-mail me with the final score.

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ERIC KARROS’ three-run homer off Juan Acevedo wiping out Roger Clemens’ chance of winning his 300th game was the sixth this season for the former Dodger in only 91 at-bats. Before Saturday night’s game, Shawn Green had the same number of homers in 234 at-bats.

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IT STARTED with Dusty Baker’s kid during the World Series, and now TV is giving us Jason Kidd’s son on a regular basis and jockey Jose Santos’ crying namesake. Given the number of children Shawn Kemp reportedly fathered, I guess we can all be glad he’s not playing in the NBA Finals.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Pamela Knight:

“I have season tickets in the Dug Out Club at Dodger Stadium. I invite you to come to a game because I think it’d be a kick to watch you mess with the Dodger brass who are frequently down there in the seats, and socializing in the bar.”

Are you sure you want to see grown men crying in their beer?

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.