He Looks This Gift Horse Race in Mouth

I’m told Sam Perlmutter is a nice guy. I know that’s what Sam Perlmutter keeps telling me. He’s a grad of USC twice, he says, and I’d think most folks would have to graduate twice from USC -- what with the first one probably not being taken seriously by everyone.

He says he was a yell leader back in his USC days, as if I could really care, and I guess he’s most famous for putting George Foreman together with the fat-reducing grilling machine no one seemed interested in buying five or six years ago.

In addition to being an attorney and a movie producer -- and until now I didn’t believe all those people who told me it could be a whole lot worse than the daughter marrying a Grocery Store Bagger -- Perlmutter is on a holy mission to change my attitude about the uptight snobs and zealots who contend the three most important letters in the alphabet beyond BMW are USC.

Ordinarily I can handle the monogrammed zealots because they complain to the boss that I should be fired -- as if the Notre Dame guy who runs our department is going to pay attention to whining Trojan fans.

Perlmutter is taking a different tact. He’s trying to be nice, which has to be taxing for someone who spent so much time at USC trying to graduate twice. On New Year’s Eve he knew I was going to be stranded in Miami because of the Orange Bowl, so he invited me to a party with a bunch of USC fans.

I guess he thought if I saw USC people under normal circumstances -- you know, dressed in gowns and tuxedos, waving two fingers in the air like they’re always looking for permission to go to the bathroom, and enjoying an open bar while crawling on all fours -- I might think these people are normal. He even invited sports columnist Bill Plaschke, I guess to remind me what’s not normal.

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IT DIDN’T work, but he continues to nag, which I presume gave him his latest idea: lining up a bunch of future glue sticks at Santa Anita on Saturday and calling it the “T.J. Simers Trojan Horse Race.”

From what I’ve been told, I’m supposed to be in the winner’s circle when the race is over, and knowing the history of the Trojan Horse, it’s my hope President Steven Sample will pop out.

I asked for Perlmutter’s assurance this would indeed be a horse race, because I’d imagine most USC fans would have wanted to see a bunch of dumb [mules] running in a race named after me. I was going to suggest racing the track’s oldest gray mares in honor of sports editor Bill Dwyre, but there’s no reason to beat a dead horse.

For all I know when it comes time for the running of the “T.J. Simers Trojan Horse Race,” Traveler will come out on the track to the sound of a bugler playing “Conquest” with jockey Mike Garrett dressed like Ben Hur, which would be just fine with me as long as they make him drop that sword.

It’s an honor, whatever happens. As you know, there’s already a “Jim Murray Memorial Handicap,” and while a number of USC fans supported the idea of a “T.J. Simers Memorial,” I’d like to point out the Murray is named after the legendary Times sports columnist who is constantly compared to me: “He could write and you can’t.”

The Murray will boast a purse of $400,000 for its May 10 running at Hollywood Park. As soon as track officials round up a full field of three-legged animals, I’m sure “The Plaschke Sob Stakes” will be scheduled.

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IN ADDITION to the Trojan Horse Race at Santa Anita on Saturday, Perlmutter has arranged to honor the greatest and most enthusiastic Chicago Cub of them all -- Ernie Banks -- with the running of the “Let’s Play Two Handicap.” If you agree to buy a Foreman Grill, there’s a good chance Perlmutter will name a race after you too.

As you might imagine, the wife is pretty excited about Perlmutter’s invitation to the races and all the free food she can eat.

She grew up in Chicago, and her father, Frank, was so far over the top as a Cub fan, I spent hours trying to convince her to stay outside in my parked car to avoid the family depression that came with another Cub loss. Frank used to make collages about the Cubs from the yellowing local newspapers and then hang them on the walls -- that’s whom the wife takes after when it comes to decorating the house.

Frank vowed not to die until the Cubs won a World Series. He vowed I’d never marry his daughter too.

Unfortunately he went 0 for 2. When they buried him, they did so with him wearing his official “Diehard Cubs’ Fan” pin.

He left behind a prized possession for his daughter, though, an Ernie Banks baseball card, and now if the wife can put the fork down long enough, she’s going to have the chance to have Mr. Cub autograph it Saturday. I know she’ll be touched and I can only imagine what a thrill it would have been for Frank.

I’m pretty excited about the whole thing myself. I presume Banks’ autograph will only increase the value of the card, which will be good to know if things don’t go well in the “T.J. Simers Trojan Horse Race,” and it has to be sold to raise funds to make a few more wagers late in the day.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Steve Sussman:

“It seems a week can’t go by without at least one or two Page Two notations that you have the day off, are on assignment or on vacation. The funny thing is, I tune into ‘Around the Horn’ and there you are.”

Sometimes I have to go home and curl in a ball and hide my head under a pillow after doing “Around the Horn.”

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.