A Level Playing Field? Hey, Take Your Best Shot

I found myself Thursday reading our story about these new designer steroids for athletes, and while ordinarily I like to skip the boring stories in the Sports section, I was looking for something to write about besides women’s tennis.

From what I read, the use of these performance-enhancing drugs is rampant in sports, which means the Dodgers have some explaining to do. Either they’re not shooting up before games, or they are more inept than we thought.

*

I GUESS it’s supposed to be a bad thing when athletes use performance-enhancing drugs, but I can’t imagine anyone who makes a living televising sports events agreeing with that. The better the performances, the better the TV ratings.

I’m surprised ESPN or Fox isn’t the one funding the development of these drugs to draw more interest to their programming. Now if only there were talent-enhancing drugs -- you’d probably see the intravenous tube hanging from the arms of those working on ESPN’s stupid new show, “Cold Pizza.”

Now according to The Times’ story, “The discovery [of this drug] appears to confirm a worst-case scenario in sporting circles: That rogue chemists are making designer steroids for the sole purpose of helping athletes cheat and avoid detection.”

To stop the cheating, the solution’s simple. Make the performance-enhancing drugs available to everyone in the training room. And quickly, please, the Chargers play the Vikings on Sunday.

*

THERE SEEM to be two chief reasons why most folks are aghast at the idea of athletes’ using performance-enhancing drugs: 1) health, and 2) the desire to keep a level playing field, as if anyone can do that with George Steinbrenner around.

The emphasis on health, of course, is one of those hypocritical hand-wringing things we have to deal with when a football player is left paralyzed after a crushing hit or a boxer dies in the ring. For a day or two, they even stop showing highlights of the biggest hits of the week.

They say strange things happen to the bodies of steroid users, including the potential for death. I share those concerns and would have no problem with a sign being put up in locker rooms warning of the risk, or making an announcement every so often to reach those athletes who can’t read.

And for those who do choose to use the performance-enhancing drugs for our viewing pleasure, I’d suggest placing an “S” in the program by the name of a player using steroids the way they do an “L” with horses running on Lasix. They might as well get credit for going the extra mile.

I’d also hire certified doctors to administer the drugs, because I care, and have them hang around like assistant coaches. Players are already loading up on all kinds of vitamins and supplements, so sooner rather than later, it figures the team with the best doctor and chemists is going to win.

And what a great boost that would be for education in this country, reminding kids everywhere to go to college, maybe become a doctor and one day it could very well be your injection that leads to a Super Bowl victory.

*

I HAD a discussion with Sports Editor Bill Dwyre about the importance he places on a level playing field, but I can’t tell you for sure if that was before or after he hit a bucket of balls with his illegal driver.

Now you mention performance-enhancing drugs to most people, and they’re going to give you a politically correct answer before excusing themselves to catch one of the big guys knocking a home run out of sight. I make no bones about it; I even advocate corking everyone’s bat -- especially if they’re hitting against Kevin Brown.

If fans wanted a level playing field, they’d insist that pro golfers use the same balls and clubs, auto racing rely more on drivers than mechanics, and that the Lakers bench three of their four Hall of Famers when playing the Clippers.

You issue performance-enhancing drugs to everyone, and you will have your level playing field. And more important, some fantastic TV.

As for the self-righteous, or those pretending to care about the good health of our athletic millionaires, OK, add a warning label to the back of the bottles if you insist: “Double dosage, dummy, still won’t help you stop Shaq.”

*

AN ADVERTISEMENT in The Times Thursday morning proclaimed: “Tonight at 6 p.m. Henin-Hardenne vs. Myskina.” Only one problem, the match between Henin-Hardenne and Myskina wasn’t scheduled to start until 9, and anyone showing up early in response to the ad got stuck with the two losers from the night before.

When I asked about it, publicist Chris O’Connell became indignant, which was a change from last year when a woman working in publicity ran out of the room crying. I suppose it is stressful trying to publicize an event no one cares about.

“[The advertisement] might have been misleading,” O’Connell bristled, “but it was not incorrect. You had to read the small print.”

The number of empty seats in Staples Center suggested few people even got around to reading the large print.

*

JOSEPH J. Kelly e-mailed to say: “It’s not the thought of becoming a grandfather that should bother you, but the thought of going to bed with a grandmother should.” As if she’s going to let me in her room now?

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Bob Eddy:

“How can your kids stand you? I’ve never heard anyone with a public platform so cruel, joking or not, to their children. Oh well, some people will read anything.”

I know. I read your e-mail.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com