He’s From the Media and He’s Here to Help the New Governor

On Jesse Ventura’s first day as governor of Minnesota, I stood outside his chambers with a battalion of other hacks who all had the same mission:

An exclusive one-on-one interview.

While chatting with his press aide about Ventura’s nastiest habit, I mentioned that I might be able to rustle up a fine stogie or two, and she disappeared into his chambers. When she came back out, she whispered:

“Meet him at the governor’s mansion tomorrow morning at 8.”

If it worked on a pro wrestler-turned governor, I figured it could work on an action hero-turned governor.

Yeah, I know Arnold can get his own cigars. But I’m willing to do just about anything to have my day with Big Boy, because the suspense is killing me.

Like other candidates in the recall, Schwarzenegger didn’t use the campaign to explain how he’s going to balance the budget. I looked for clues here and there, but the only formula I heard didn’t quite add up for me:

No new taxes + no education cuts + no car tax increase = balanced budget.

Even with victory in hand, Schwarzenegger’s still clammed up. Maybe he’s going to bring Warren Buffett back from the Witness Protection Program and make him deliver the bad news once more -- we might have to tinker with Proposition 13.

I’m dying to know, and I’m sure you are too. Last week, I even tried the cigar trick at the Schwarzenegger rally in Arcadia.

I sauntered up to press aide Todd Harris and told him I could get my hands on some terrific cigars, and Harris promised to pass the offer along. (I didn’t specify Cubans, because I know Arnold promised the right flank of the GOP that he was anti-Communist.)

When I didn’t hear from Arnold this week, I called spokesman Sean Walsh. Early on, Walsh had promised to hook me up for a night of beer drinking with Arnold, but he never delivered.

Look, I told Walsh on Thursday, let’s make it a night to remember. Arnold and S. Lo do the town. We light a couple of fat stogies, we throw back a few, we talk business.

“I think we can swing that,” Walsh said.

Finally, a breakthrough. Just the other day, Arnold said he needed the help of the media to spread his message over the next three years, and I’m here to serve.

I suggested to Walsh that Arnold and I drop by a joint in my neighborhood -- the Red Lion Tavern in Silver Lake. It’s a German beer house where the waitresses are dolled up like Bavarian maidens. If Arnold doesn’t get into trouble at the Red Lion, we’ll know he’s reformed.

Walsh said he’d have to hold off on the time and place, but he’d pull something together.

Terrific, I said. “I want to be the first one to hear the fiscal relief and rescue plan.”

“Until he sees the books, we don’t know,” Walsh said.

Wait a minute. I thought Arnold had been telling us for two months that he knew exactly what Sacramento needed. And by the way, the books are already open, and they always have been.

What’s the hang-up?

“To give a budget proposal would be crazy when he doesn’t even know who his finance director is yet,” Walsh said.

I thought Rob Lowe was the new finance director. He’d be perfect, given his own damage control expertise -- remember Rob’s “home movies”? In fact, he may already have written Arnold’s first speech:

“When I told you I would terminate the problems in Sacramento just as easily as I destroyed the bad guys in the movies, I could not have imagined how badly Gray Davis screwed things up. Let me tell you, California, it went way beyond groping.”

But rather than twiddle my thumbs waiting for Schwarzenegger to call, I’m talking to wonks about his budget-fixing options. You’re not going to believe what they say:

It won’t be nearly as easy as Schwarzenegger has suggested.

The consensus is that despite his repeated denials, Arnold may have to raise taxes to balance the next budget, or make cuts that endanger the health and safety of all of us.

Shockingly, experts say there isn’t as much waste and fraud as Schwarzenegger claims. And with President Bush expecting a $500-billion federal deficit, how many bones can he throw Arnold?

“He’s boxed himself into more borrowing, or something called fees,” says Bruce Cain, director of UC Berkeley’s Institute of Governmental Studies. “Who knows what kind of finagling they’ll have to do to not call it a tax.”

Cain guesses Schwarzenegger will find ways to pass costs to towns and counties, which is exactly what would happen if the car tax increase is repealed.

“You tell the locals to pass parcel taxes in order to keep the library open,” Cain says. “The problem is we’re talking about police and fire services too, so this is going to be a dangerous game.”

I’m not buying any such rabble. I refuse to believe the new guv would have led us down this path if he didn’t have answers.

C’mon, Arnold. The cigars are trimmed, the beer is cold and the car is running.

Don’t let me down.

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Steve Lopez writes Sunday, Wednesday and Friday.