Once again our jokes are on Cruz

The Cruzinator is so ungrateful. Just because we aren’t a rich Indian tribe lining his pockets with million-dollar checks doesn’t mean we have nothing to offer.

On Wednesday, for example, we published the runner-up entries from our Cruz “Dances With Slot Machines” Bustamante Joke Contest. We had sponsored the competition because late-night comics have been mocking every gubernatorial candidate except the lieutenant governor, and we wanted to give his candidacy the legitimacy that comes with being a national punch line.

But did he thank us? Incredibly, no.

Today, we publish the contest champions. That’s because we’re givers. It’s our nature to help.

Our grand prize winner, Mel Golob of Santa Clarita, takes home a copy of cartoonist Gary Larson’s $135 two-volume collection, “The Complete Far Side,” for this one-liner:

* Memo to Cruz Bustamante: Alfred Hitchcock called. He wants his silhouette back.

Second-place winner Steve Voldseth of Campbell, Calif., earned a coveted “Freaky Friday” metal fortune cookie and a Jackie Chan bobble-head doll for this entry:

* The mudslinging has begun. Today, Cruz Bustamante admitted that, as lieutenant governor, he once brought a little dope into his office: Gray Davis.

(Voldseth also submitted several other jokes that impressed our judges, including: “Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if he’s elected, he won’t do ‘Terminator IV.’ Now if we can just get Bustamante to promise not to do ‘Gray Davis II,’ ” and “According to the latest poll, Bustamante is ahead of Schwarzenegger. The survey’s margin of error is plus or minus three ‘Who the heck is Cruz Bustamante’s?’ ”)

Third place goes to Paul Yi of Los Angeles. He receives a dancing hamster doll and a metal fortune cookie. The joke:

* Cruz Bustamante in Latin means “It’s a bald overweight guy’s turn to be governor.”

Next up is Mark Miller, also of L.A., who wins a book about “The Sopranos” for this campaign slogan:

* Remember, Cruz Bustamante is the only candidate whose name backward spells Etnamatsub Zurc.

Fifth place, the prestigious Tortured Pun Prize, is bestowed upon Bob Wicks of Brea, who wisely declined to accept any of our increasingly lame consolation prizes. Here’s his entry:

* The governor of British Columbia received a tip that one of his royal mounted policemen was growing marijuana in the forest. To find the illicit crop, the governor turned to firefighting crews who were intimately familiar with the terrain. He instructed them to find and arrest the culprit, which they did. The next day, the headline in the Vancouver Sun read, “Crews Bust a Mountie for Governor.”

Rim shot, please.

Last -- and quite possibly least -- is our Song Most Likely to Be Ignored by Downloaders Award, which goes to the mysterious Mitch of Burbank (who asked us to withhold his last name for fear of losing his job), for the composition “Wreck of the Cruz Bustamante,” sung to the tune of Gordon Lightfoot’s “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.” Unfortunately, like the original dirge, Mitch’s parody is interminably long, so we have room for only a few verses:

The legend lives on from the Pechanga on down

Of California’s first mate Bustamante

A tax-hiking swine, Cruz sure looked as refined

As Quixote astride Rocinante.

...

The news on the wire set his ambitions afire

As the recall broke past Davis’ defenses

Every Democrat knew, as Cap’n Davis did too

Californians had come to their senses!

Thanks to everyone who entered and to our judges, who, like Mitch, requested anonymity. If you think your joke should have won, feel free to circulate a petition to have this column recalled.

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In their own words

Porn actress candidate Mary Carey updated her campaign platform last week. According to a press release, “Ms. Carey is against government-provided, universal health coverage; she supports physician-assisted suicide; she is pro-choice; and she supports legalizing ferrets.”

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Late-night blotter

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is being criticized by the press because instead of discussing issues, he keeps reciting catchphrases like ‘Hasta la vista baby.’ When reached for comment, Arnold said, ‘Hasta la vista baby.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

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“Recall Madness” runs on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays in Calendar. E-mail roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. To view past columns, visit www.latimes.com/recallmadness.