Whoa, Dude, Where Would I Hang?

Even with all the talk of budget cuts, I was surprised to read that the federal government was taking the extreme step of closing the Pacific Ocean to visitors on Thursdays.

I have to admit I didn’t see a story in The Times about the shutdown but found an account in the latest issue of the Reef Seeker, a scuba diving publication (see accompanying). While naturally protests are expected, the publication quoted a government spokesman saying, “The country’s got to understand that these are tough times and a little sacrifice is necessary by everyone.”

I read further that there will be some exemptions from the ocean closing -- for oil tankers, military and emergency personnel and “government officials on hunting expeditions with Supreme Court justices.”

When I read that last line I became a bit suspicious, and it was then I realized this was the April 1 edition of the newsletter, published by Reef Seekers Dive Co. of Beverly Hills.

Closing the beach on Thursdays, I realized, was a ridiculous concept.

Now on Mondays, I could understand ....

April Fools’ (cont.): It also dawned on me why some Reef Seeker “scoops” in past April issues (see accompanying) never materialized: the building of Catalina International Airport, a three-hour tuneup cruise for the Queen Mary, a scuba diving event in Dodger Stadium

Considering the baffling leadership of the new owners of the Dodgers, though, I wouldn’t rule out the scuba diving possibility, especially if they could make money from it.

Mondegreen of the Day: “When my daughter was about 13 years old,” said Richard Hull of Helendale, “she was one of several students asked to recite various excerpts from Shakespeare before an audience of fellow students and their parents. Her selection was the famous ‘To be or not to be.’ She did well until she came to the part that said, ‘Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.’ She recited it as ‘Tis a constipation devoutly to be wished.’ ”

(Hull said she did recover from the experience and loves to tell the story now.)

Bottoms up! When the news came out that a Spanish-style bar/restaurant that serves tapas (appetizers) was opening in downtown Long Beach, some folks were worried. A city official told the Long Beach Press-Telegram that people hear the word “tapas” and “think it’s a topless bar.” No joke.

miscelLAny: It’s time for this column’s customary item following the elimination of the L.A. Kings from contention in the playoffs. I must again quote Joe Friday (Dan Aykroyd) in the movie “Dragnet” about the quality of life in L.A.: “Sure, the city isn’t perfect. We need a smut-free life for all our citizens, cleaner streets, better schools and a good hockey team....”

The movie was released in 1987, and the dialogue is as timely as ever.

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATimes, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.