They Gladly Point Out Easter Egg on His Face

“How does crow taste on Easter Sunday?” Ron Seay wanted to know via e-mail, and after eating chicken sort of cooked on the barbecue by the Grocery Store Bagger, I think I’m qualified to answer this question, although I have no idea why it’s being posed to me.

I took a look back at some of the columns I’ve written recently, and I don’t see anything that suggests an apology is in order.

In fact, I was the one who had guessed in Sunday’s paper that Phil Mickelson would choke, and lose the Masters’ lead to Ernie Els.

I was right on, of course, and yet found it interesting that no one e-mailed with credit when Els pulled ahead of Mickelson on Sunday. Now isn’t that just like most folks, quick to criticize and harp on the negative, but slow to praise a job well done.

Well, as you know, I ran out of space in Sunday’s column and had no chance to tell you not to worry, that Phil would come back to win. If there’s one complaint journalists have, it’s that there is never enough space to say what they really want to say....

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UNTIL SUNDAY, I had no idea of the power of Page 2 and its ability to move folks. Based on the time recorded on each e-mail, it came in great gobs late in the day -- from Southern California, Massachusetts, Wisconsin, Florida and British Columbia.

I imagine it went like this: The morning started with church services, the arrival of the Easter bunny and maybe an egg hunt for the kids, followed by breakfast or brunch, the TV at some point being turned on for the Masters while relatives arrived.

Then Chris DiMarco blasts from the sand on No. 18, lining up Mickelson’s winning putt, and prompting folks from Southern California, Massachusetts, Wisconsin, Florida and British Columbia to excuse themselves from the family gatherings, turn on their computers and type in as many obscenities as they could think of on an Easter Sunday before sending them to Page 2.

The phone messages left must have been more difficult. I could tell some people wanted to yell, but the hushed tones suggested the family might be in the next room and how would it sound to hear Mom or Dad screaming !@#$%{circ}& while everyone else was eating the frosted lamb poundcake?

“Dear Satan,” e-mailed Danny Walsh, who just wanted Mickelson to win because “I hate your column.” Not enough to stop him from reading it, but enough to make him very upset.

I worry now, of course, if I hadn’t been there for everyone Sunday, urging Mickelson to choke, what folks might have done with all that pent-up anger and nowhere to e-mail it -- with the relatives just sitting there and never getting the hint to leave.

At our get-together, the relatives were playing croquet, which means each of the them was armed with a mallet and an opinion, but fortunately most of them had gotten the name-calling out of the way when we arrived. (They remained surprisingly docile the rest of the day, although it took several feedings.)

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B.B. YARBOROUGH e-mailed to say, “I’d think you’d wish to be as successful in your profession as Phil has been in his -- even before winning the Masters.”

Ken Boyer put it this way, “Win or lose the Masters, you couldn’t accomplish what Lefty has accomplished in golf in 10 lifetimes,” and Bill Wood e-mailed to say, “Right now, you are the laughingstock of the sports world.”

Finally, some encouraging e-mail. It’s nice to hear that I have a long way to go before I’m 0-for-47 in writing about major sporting events.

“Well, now what are you gonna write about Phil?” wrote Colleen Galaviz.

I think it’s pretty obvious. If I’m gauging e-mail sentiment correctly, Mickelson, who had been the laughingstock of the sports world, should now be my role model, and maybe one day after failing so often, I might surprise you all, and write an award winner.

Shoot, the way things went for my role model, I might even have all you e-mailers cheering wildly when it happens.

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LIFELONG DODGER Fan Bill Hearn has been having a tough go of it, so his brother-in-law, Jeff Edgington, called on Tom Lasorda. Lifelong Dodger Fan Bill Hearn is dealing with liver and kidney failure. He, more than anybody else, knows Lasorda says silly things and he needed good cheer. Seconds after Lasorda was made aware that a stranger needed to hear some Dodger blarney, Lasorda was making arrangements to chat.

“I am crying now as I write this,” wrote Edgington after hearing of Lasorda’s quick response. “I’ve sent letters to so many people in hopes of getting through ... “

On Friday, Lasorda talked to Lifelong Dodger Fan Bill Hearn.

“It is amazing that a short phone call can bring such happiness to someone who has endured so much suffering for so long,” wrote Edgington.

“Bill is not having a good day today, but he just spent 15 minutes talking about Lasorda calling him and how incredible it was to speak to him.”

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Bill Wright:

“Read your column at my wife’s request. She wanted my opinion: ‘Is it funny, or is he a jerk?’ So I read the article and ... speaking for the ‘Grocery Store Baggers’ of the world, everyone starts somewhere looking for a job that can lead to a career path and Bagger is just one place to start. The fact that this Grocery Store Bagger has become a spouse probably sooner than he should is in response to his new wife who felt that she needed a home of her own to feel appreciated and cared for ... “

These people live among you.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers go to latimes.com/simers.