Ceremony Had Much More Than the Bare Necessities

Janet Jackson is officially off the hook, the Athens Olympics having thrown a halftime show Friday featuring topless maidens, birthday-suited boxers and flying concrete crotches.

The gods, or at least that Eros dude, would be pleased.

As for the rest of us, well, what the heck? It was hot, it was late and little Michael Phelps was already in bed.

As our own deity John Travolta once sang, Greece is the word.

The folks here pulled off an opening ceremony that was humble in its welcome, bold in its history and surprising in its ending.

All this, and it was safe. Nobody got hurt, unless you count the tape burns suffered by the women of Uzbekistan, who marched while wearing what appeared to be fancy gift wrap.

In front of 72,000 folks at Olympic Stadium, the evening began with a warmup comedian pretending to hammer one last nail, a perfect joke for a place that looks like a new suburban home where the owner hasn’t yet paid for the landscaping.

Dirt in the front yard. Earth movers in the driveway. Yet all was forgotten when a centaur showed up in the living room.

The first half of the creature was a man, the back end was a horse, which pretty much describes a couple of last year’s Lakers, but this guy threw a javelin.

From centaur to uncensored, a nude torso floated above the infield, followed by an almost-naked man running on a suspended box, and where was one of those New England Patriots to tackle him?

Then came the parade of posing, fighting, completely immodest human statues. We thought they would be simply carrying spears. We had no idea they would be Britney Spears.

But it was all very smart, very cool, and we’ll not complain, because smack in the middle of the parade, Hercules covered the spread against the Hydra.

After a typically endless parade of nations in fast-food uniforms -- the Barbados folks chose early McDonald’s -- the wackiest trick was saved for the end.

That was when the caldron was lighted by another, um, statue.

His name is Nikolaos Kaklamanakis, and no offense, but he’s a, a, windsurfer.

That’s right, a guy who doesn’t even run was asked to scale the traditionally steep stairs to ignite the ultimate flame.

This being Greece, I guess we’re lucky he didn’t first use his torch to light a quick cigarette. But he did seem out of breath. Kaklamanakis is not only the first windsurfer to fulfill this almost-sacred duty, but he might also be the first guy to do it after finishing sixth in the last Olympics.

Sounds like Athens Olympic boss Gianna Angelopoulos-Daskalaki made a 6:30 p.m. call to the bullpen for this one, as if her scheduled starter came up lame.

Sure enough, according to the opening ceremony media guide, seven people were scheduled to carry the torch, once it had entered the stadium ... yet it was carried by only six.

All of this points to a no-show by Costas Kenteris, the Greek sprinter who was the stunning 200-meter Olympic champion in Sydney and the overwhelming favorite to light the caldron.

Problem was, he missed a doping test this week and was reportedly involved in a motorcycle accident with another Greek sprinter who also missed the test.

Instead of asking us to further stretch the limits of disbelief, the opening ceremony folks seemingly just dumped him, and good for them.

Not that they would admit it.

“We thought [Kaklamanakis] would be the apt person to be the last person to bear the torch,” Angelopoulos-Daskalaki said.

Whatever, it was a good audible and a fitting end to a funky opening ceremony that, for once, was not about the large and noisy Americans.

Did you see our team? Do you remember anything it did?

Didn’t think so.

Counseled to keep a low profile after several embarrassing we’re-the-man Olympic episodes, the Americans kept their berets on their heads and their little flags mostly in their pockets.

Few teams were as quietly dignified, even the millionaire basketball players agreeing to walk at the end of the line, and without visible attitude.

“After what’s happened in the past, we’ve been emphasizing sportsmanship, and keeping their focus on what’s important,” said Mike Moran, a former U.S. Olympic Committee official who has been one of the team’s behavioral consultants.

It worked. The crowd didn’t boo, the Americans didn’t strut, and, although we’re not sure how this rates on the computer, the Athens folks are certainly mythological national champions.

Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Plaschke, go to latimes.com/plaschke.