An Error That Makes a Person Truly Pine for a Proofreader

Over the years, readers have sent me ads with such spectacular malapropisms as “Chip and Dale” furniture, “Floor Shine” shoes, “Wayne’s Coating,” “Chester Drawers” and “Rod” Iron. (Translation: Chippendale, Florsheim, wainscoting, chest of drawers and wrought iron.)

But until I received a note from David Montgomery of Buena Park, I’d never seen such a wild variation of “Douglas fir” (see accompanying).

Not sure if a “doughless” surface would be firmer, but I guess a “fur” floor would alleviate the need for carpet.

*

Unclear on the concept: John Palka of Anaheim noticed that a club ticket he bought contained some relaxed rules about alcohol consumption (see accompanying).

*

Talk about a leap year! Speaking of partying, it appears as though New Year’s Day is coming a lot later than usual, according to a hotel advertisement spotted by Beverly Dole of Redondo Beach (see accompanying).

*

And, now, the fictional side of the news: As exciting as compiling dueling traffic signs, strange menu items and bizarre real estate ads may be, I sometimes feel as though I’m missing some of the drama of being a news hound. So I like to turn to suspenseful novels that have L.A. Times reporters as characters. A few I’ve collected:

* “Last Lullaby” by Denise Hamilton: Reporter Eve Diamond, searching for a missing baby, dresses up as a maid in a Chinatown hotel at one point to hide from kidnappers.

* “The Concrete Blonde” by Michael Connelly: Stocky Joel Bremmer, a reporter with “small but sharp green eyes,” has a physical confrontation with L.A. Police Det. Harry Bosch.

* “Simple Justice” by John Morgan Wilson: After he wins a Pulitzer Prize, the journalistic career of hard-drinking newsie Benjamin Justice takes a nose dive. (Attention, Pulitzer judges: I promise I’ll behave if you give me one of them there awards.)

* “Bleeding Dodger Blue” by Crabbe Evers: The murder of a Dodger relief pitcher catches the attention of Joe Start, a sportswriter who became an editor because his wife complained about his road trips. (Then she left him anyway. “Couldn’t stand me home or away, I guess,” Start observes.)

* “One Hand Shaking” by Lowell Darling: An account of an offbeat gubernatorial hopeful who pokes fun at a Times reporter identified only as “Steve” during the 1978 campaign. Funny, I wrote about Lowell Darling’s 1978 gubernatorial campaign. Now that I think about it, this was not a novel but nonfiction. Worse, it was never made into a movie.

*

Traffic obstacle du jour: Motorists who say they’ve seen everything but the kitchen sink littering freeways may no longer be able to exclude that appliance if they were on the southbound San Diego Freeway in Long Beach on Wednesday morning.

*

miscelLAny: What’s black and white and pushes a shopping cart all over?

Answer: Three nuns who will be turned loose in an Albertsons in West L.A. today to see how many carts they can fill with groceries in seven minutes. Albertsons, which has salted the shelves with coupons worth several thousand dollars, will donate the value of the goods to the St. Vincent Meals on Wheels program.

*

Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, and steve.harvey@latimes.com.