On the Christmas Menu: a Heaping Helping of Hype

Happy boxing day, basketball fans.

Happy basketball day, boxing fans.

Or is there another name for this hallowed date that we can throw into the ring?

Festivus? Fisticuffs? The Brawls Before We Hit The Malls?

And what is David Stern’s fight club, in association with a panting, incorrigible media, handing out as presents on this big holiday? A load of all the traditional favorites: hype, hysteria, fear, loathing, threats of revenge, cries for retribution, hints of violence -- all the gifts that keep on giving, the NBA and ABC and ESPN and TNT are happy to report.

Two grudge matches are scheduled today. One, to be televised by ESPN at 9:30 a.m., pairs the Detroit Pistons and the Indiana Pacers in the rematch of their Nov. 19 bench- and arena-clearing brawl that shocked/entranced the masses, an incident that ranks among the ugliest in the history of American sports and raised questions about the deterioration of modern society that have yet to be sufficiently answered.

And that’s just the undercard.

I don’t know whether you’ve heard, but later today, at noon on ABC, Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant will play a basketball game on opposing sides. There’s really nothing new about that; they used to do that all time when they were both paid by Jerry Buss. This time, however, they will be dressed in different uniforms -- Shaq decked out in visiting Miami Heat black, Kobe still wearing the customary colors of the Lakers, only now accessorized with the villain’s black hat.

Let’s see, leading into “The Christmas Clash” -- ESPN’s words, not Don King’s -- Good Guy Shaq has compared his impending reunion with Kobe to a brick wall awaiting the crash of a Corvette; Bad Guy Kobe has said he wants to apologize to Shaq and will have to do it in person because he either didn’t have Shaq’s phone number (an early claim by Bryant) or did have it and tried to call but only got the Big Answering Service (recent revisionism by Bryant).

ESPN, showing its usual restraint, rolled out a five-part series this week to analyze the Shaq-Kobe relationship and bang the drums for today’s basketball telecast. Topics included how Shaq is doing without Kobe (arrow up), how Kobe is doing without Shaq (arrow down), what’s happened to Kobe’s image since Shaq left (arrow in unstoppable free fall) and what it’s like to be Shaq’s “sidekick,” the very phrase that got Kobe and the Lakers into their present predicament in the first place.

ESPN and ABC have even concocted a special holiday song for the Kobe-Shaq showdown, which ESPN has kept in heavy rotation for weeks, scheduled to run whenever Stephen A. Smith has to pause for breath, a Christmastime jingle that presumably beat out these potential candidates as official theme music:

“Little Red Corvette.”

“Kobe Don’t Lose That Number.”

“All In All, We’re Just Hyperventilating Over Another Brick In The Wall.”

The buildup has been relentless, fueled in part by Bryant’s recent decision to take his case to seemingly every media outlet armed with a working camera and electricity. But scrape away the self-interest -- Bryant has an image to salvage, ABC/ESPN has a game to plug -- and what, really, are we talking about? A low-impact early-season game that happens to include a pair of former teammates who didn’t always get along.

This has never before happened in the history of professional sports?

Will ESPN devote five more days to the first Giant-Dodger meeting of 2005, Barry Bonds versus Jeff Kent?

TNT, which couldn’t help itself, sent Charles Barkley to Los Angeles for a sit-down “interview” with Bryant, which more closely resembled Kobe paying a visit to the principal’s office, or the dentist’s, another indication of how desperately Bryant and his handlers want to rehabilitate his image.

In the studio, Barkley groused, “If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said ‘Shaq and Kobe’ the last two weeks, I’d be a multimillionaire.”

To which Ernie Johnson had to interject, “I thought you already were.”

Even Barkley laughed at that. “I guess I am getting a dollar for every time,” he said.

Also available for viewing this weekend, difficult as it may be to believe:

TODAY

* Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs

(Channel 2, 2 p.m.)

Once upon a time, boys and girls, this was a bigger rivalry than Kobe versus Shaq. Really. These teams used to be good, and they used to play very intense, important games, and they played in the occasional Super Bowl, and all that. Now, they just wish they were back in the 1970s, or the 1960s, or the NFC.

SUNDAY

* San Diego Chargers at Indianapolis Colts

(Channel 2, 10 a.m.)

Back before Dan Marino, there were Dan Fouts and Bert Jones, who starred for the Chargers and the Colts in the 1970s and early 1980s. It has been awhile since the Chargers and Colts had Pro Bowl quarterbacks starting in the same game, so this Drew Brees-Peyton Manning matchup is a historical rarity. Unless, of course, they meet again next month in the playoffs. Oh, one more thing: With one more touchdown pass, Manning ties Marino’s all-time single-season record of 48.

* Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Channel 11, 1:15 p.m.)

Carolina is 6-8, Tampa Bay 5-9 -- and both teams are still in the running for playoff spots in the NFC. Things in the NFC are so bad this season, CBS’ Randy Cross has suggested revoking the NFC West’s playoff spot and letting the league’s owners, general managers and coaches decide which team instead should get the berth. It’s a crazy idea, of course. And one likely to receive enthusiastic support from the owners, general managers and coaches of the Jacksonville Jaguars, Denver Broncos, Buffalo Bills and Baltimore Ravens.