This Guy Is More Into Mistletoe and Whine

“Andy Williams’ assertion that this is the most wonderful time of the year does not bear close examination in my view,” wrote Martin Kelner in England’s Guardian newspaper.

“What he should have sung is that while the buildup to Christmas can be quite fun in a lame-brained-getting-bladdered-and-overspending-on-lots-of-meretricio us-trash sort of way, the day itself is liable to be a thundering anticlimax to anyone over the age of 5.”

And what set off this tirade?

The Cliff Richard celebrity tennis tournament on Britain’s Sky Sports network, that’s what.

“This annual pestilence has become a Christmas Day fixture,” Kelner said of the now 64-year-old former pop star’s event. “And if occasionally you scratch your head trying to think of anything less welcome, as you struggle to digest unfeasible quantities of turkey and roast potatoes, than Cliff Richard singing ‘Mistletoe and Wine,’ how about Cliff Richard in tennis shorts singing ‘Mistletoe and Wine’?”

More Christmas spirit: Sunday’s King George VI Chase, a three-mile steeplechase at Kempton Park racecourse in England, almost came to grief when an unidentified man strolled across the track seconds before winner Kicking King crossed the finish line.

Police, who took the man into custody, had no trouble finding him in the crowd. He was dressed as Santa Claus.

Trivia time: How many times in the last nine NFL seasons have the Chicago Bears had a winning record?

It left him breathless: “I’m glad ABC didn’t try to milk the moment,” the Baltimore Sun’s Peter Schmuck said of Saturday’s Kobe Bryant-Shaquille O’Neal showdown at Staples Center.

“There was the pregame Shaq interview (which revealed nothing), the pre-recorded halftime Shaq interview (when he told us what a classy guy he is), the pregame Kobe interview (which revealed nothing) and the live Kobe halftime interview (during which I realized I was more interested in watching Michele Tafoya breathe than listening to another word from either one of these guys).”

Stop that: Sid Lowe, who covers Spanish soccer for the Guardian, said that Real Madrid’s defense was woeful during a loss to Seville on Sunday.

“Raul Bravo, whose surname becomes a greater statement of post-modern irony with every passing game, couldn’t stop Daniel Alves and Sergio Ramos on the right,” Lowe wrote.

“Michel Salgado couldn’t stop Jesuli on the left, and Walter Samuel couldn’t stop traffic outside a school with a Zebra crossing, a fluorescent coat and a bloody great luminous lollipop.”

Trivia answer: Once, in 2001.

And finally: Miami Dolphin fans apparently were not in good voice while watching their team stumble to its 10-7 victory Sunday over the equally inept Cleveland Browns.

“The night’s soundtrack was a sort of thin, halfhearted booing,” wrote the Miami Herald’s Greg Cote, “ ... like a field full of dairy cows, lowing in some loosely organized complaint against stale hay.”