Halftime at Super Bowl Became Quite Revealing

Oh my gosh, who knew the lengths the NFL would go to sabotage the Lingerie Bowl, or for that matter, keep football from ever being played again in the Coliseum without its approval.

You saw it. Janet Jackson comes out for the Super Bowl halftime show and dances with a guy wearing no shirt. What? Did he just forget to pack it?

Nelly follows later, and until Sunday night I had no idea Nelly was a man, and he’s prancing around in a sleeveless T-shirt singing “I’m getting so hot, I’m wanna take my clothes off.” Nelly’s grammar is a little shaky, but tell me the NFL, which is allowing this, isn’t aware the Lingerie Bowl is available right now on pay-per-view.

Nelly, of course, is no Angie Everhart, so they surround Nelly with pretty young dancers who all of a sudden take off their tops to reveal skintight jerseys with the numbers of quarterbacks Tom Brady and Jake Delhomme plastered across their chests. The message to every little boy in America is, if you aren’t the quarterback, you’ll never get anywhere with the girls. I played wide receiver.

I keep looking up at the scoreboard to see whether anyone has scored yet in the Coliseum between Team Dream and Team Euphoria but get nothing.

Kid Rock, who looks old enough to hang with Sports Editor Bill Dwyre, follows Nelly and throws his coat into the audience. He dances around in an American flag poncho and then strips down to a T-shirt. Behind him a young woman, looking a lot like the women Times reporter Sam Farmer had been breathlessly telling me about after returning from the Playboy party a night earlier, was waving an American flag. (I stayed in my room to study stats and team rosters.)

I know there’s 1 billion people in 229 countries, speaking 21 languages, watching this extravaganza, and with that kind of audience, I’m guessing the first commercial shown after the halftime show will be the one from Levitra.

Jackson returns to the stage with a number of dancers in various states of undress. I guess the Lingerie Bowl really has the NFL worried. The women are wearing knee-high black boots, red-and-white lace and garters. Keep in mind I’m a paid observer, and this is what I do for a living, so I don’t miss a thing.

Justin Timberlake comes onstage, joins Jackson and starts dancing suggestively with Michael’s sister. I punch the Grocery Store Bagger if I ever see him try that with the daughter, and they’re married. Timberlake is singing “Rock Your Body” with Janet, and I don’t know it at the time, but the last few lines of the song are: “Let’s do something, let’s make a bet, ‘cause I gotta have you naked by the end of this song.”

And so he does. Timberlake finishes accosting Michael’s sister, reaches across her body and in front of the entire world rips off part of her bustier, revealing a strategically placed silver star.

I remember when Disney used to produce these halftime shows.

CBS cuts away quickly, but not quick enough.

I check with witnesses on the field, who are staring at the scoreboard waiting for the replay. They say Jackson ran from the stage with both arms across her chest, although the placement of the silver star suggests it was part of the game plan.

I check with entertainment reporter Pat O’Brien, and he says Timberlake told him he just wanted to give everyone something to talk about. I guess his way of topping Britney and Madonna.

CBS releases a statement: “CBS deeply regrets the incident that occurred ... we attended all rehearsals throughout the week ... “ Imagine how disappointed CBS officials must have been attending every rehearsal, and never seeing what everyone in the world saw.

“There was no indication that any such thing would happen,” the CBS statement said. “That moment did not conform to CBS broadcast standards, and we would like to apologize to anyone who was offended.”

I can’t imagine Fox ever issuing such a statement.

I check with an observer in L.A. He says every player remained in uniform through the entire Lingerie Bowl in the Coliseum. The same cannot be said for the MTV-produced halftime show here.

Timberlake issues a statement: “I feel sorry if anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction.”

Sounds as if the whole bustier was supposed to come off.

MTV issues a statement: “The tearing of Jackson’s costume was unrehearsed, unplanned, completely unintentional,” and knowing how weird some of the Jacksons can be, maybe she does wear silver stars strategically placed wherever she goes.

A male streaker runs onto the field. Apparently the halftime show isn’t over. CBS does not show the streaker, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we see him later on “Survivor All-Stars.”

I check with Las Vegas. They take bets on everything from who will win the coin toss at the Super Bowl to which coach will challenge a referee’s call first, but no one set odds on who would lose their top first -- Angie or Janet?

I check with the NFL, and Executive Vice President Joe Browne issues a statement: “We were extremely disappointed by elements of the MTV-produced halftime show. They were totally inconsistent with assurances our office was given about the content of the show. It’s unlikely that MTV will produce another Super Bowl halftime.”

I think I know whom Browne would have bet on.

I know they already have appeared four times, which is more than any other halftime act in Super Bowl history, but I wouldn’t be surprised next year if we get the return of “Up With People.”

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.