He Knew When to Hold ‘Em, and to Fold ‘Em
A year ago I sat across the table from Laker owner Jerry Buss while playing Texas hold ‘em in the World Poker Tour Invitational at the Commerce Casino.
Buss did not say, “Hello.” Instead he began by telling me how much he hated Page 2. Obviously it was a ploy to take me off my game, and less than 90 minutes later I had lost the $10,000 in chips I had been given, while Buss went on to finish second in the two-day event.
*
I HAVE thought about nothing but Buss for a year now. I want Buss. I want to make him go broke. I took a poker lesson with a world champion. I want Buss to really hate Page 2. And I won’t be distracted this time.
“Mimi Rogers will be joining you at the tournament,” a World Poker Tour official said shortly before the start of Wednesday’s play.
If someone thinks something like raw sex is going to take me off task, I’ll make sure it never crosses my mind and invite the wife to sit beside me.
“Mimi asked about you,” the official said.
Too bad the wife had to work Wednesday.
*
POKER’S POPULARITY is booming. It’s on TV everywhere. Thirty-two players paying $10,000 each to enter another tournament here at the Commerce Casino were whittled to six Tuesday night, with 25-year-old Antonio Esfandiari collecting $1,408,385. He’s got a girlfriend. I checked for the daughter who can’t get a date. I check with everyone. I think Ed Asner was a little surprised by the question.
The Travel Channel recently aired the first installment of the “Hollywood Home Game” featuring poker-playing celebrities, and Mimi won. It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to play strip poker with Mimi, or so the wife says.
Anyway, the winner of this WPT celebrity/media/pro event -- and it wasn’t going to be Buss -- gets a $25,000 buy in to the poker championship at the Bellagio in Las Vegas in April. I just wanted to last longer than 90 minutes and oust Buss in the process. I still recall a grinning Buss raking in the chips and sending me home early, prompting Kato Kaelin to flip me a $25 chip to fetch his car.
I was hoping to eliminate Kaelin too, but I was told he wasn’t playing this year. “Maybe he got a job,” explained publicist Jan Sheehan.
*
TO GET to Buss, it was probably going to mean knocking off the likes of Jennifer Tilly, Ben Affleck and LeVar Burton. How would it look if I couldn’t last as long as a blind guy from “Star Trek”?
When I was introduced to Tilly, I noticed the words “I Don’t Like You” on her shirt. I had to take a second look to make sure that I had read her chest correctly. I was a little upset someone had warned her that I’d be here.
As for Affleck, I called the daughter, knowing how much she likes him and the fact she has a big butt just like J. Lo, and said now was her chance to move in. She said she had to attend a “Financial Accounting & Reporting Update for Corporate Accountants” seminar. And she wonders why she can’t get a date.
The daughter wanted to know who else would be competing. I ran down a list, got to “Dawson’s Creek” hunk Joshua Jackson, and she dropped her calculator and started bellowing: “Oh, my gawd, oh my gawd.”
Funny, I had the same reaction after talking to him. “I’d like to see more hockey in the paper,” he said.
Oh, my gawd.
*
NOW I know how seriously Buss takes his gambling. He didn’t even bring a young woman with him. And I know how much he needs the money.
He’s got the dowry he’s going to have to come up with for Phil Jackson, and he needs money to keep Kobe Bryant here. I understand why he’s a serious poker player.
And you know how much I enjoy watching Bryant perform, so I had a dilemma. I wanted revenge, but did I want to be the one to take all of Buss’ money and leave him nothing for Bryant?
That’s when I decided for the good of Bryant, the Lakers and the city of L.A., I’d make sure I lost again.
It took me 95 minutes to get run out of here, but unfortunately Buss was dealt bad cards, and he was eliminated about the same time.
Oh well, I guess it looks as if Bryant will be playing in Denver next season.
*
I HAVE no idea what part of the alphabet the Boston parking lot attendant stressed in his address to the Dodgers. He’s gone only as deep as A-B-C with most of us. But if the picture on page D7 of The Times Sports section Wednesday is any indication, Manager Jim Tracy has heard it all before. Frank McCourt is talking to the team in the picture, while behind him Tracy is looking down at papers and paying no attention to what McCourt has to say.
In time, I’d imagine no one will be paying any attention to the guy, based on what we’ve heard so far.
*
I LOVE the USC argument that Mike Williams isn’t fast enough to be one of the top picks in the draft this year, but if he plays again for the Trojans he could be the top pick in next year’s draft. I had no idea staying in school made you faster.
*
TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from S.A. Stenzel:
“I wanted to let you know the women in my office were celebrating after reading your column about Dodger assistant GM Kim Ng. It had nothing to do with your usual sarcastic droll, or our pathetic Dodger situation -- rather it was that a high-ranking WOMAN baseball executive had actually crawled under your skin and made you itch.”
It wasn’t the woman who gave me the rash; Kevin Malone and Dan Evans had my skin crawling long before Ng came along.
*
T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.