Wasted Nights Leave Him a Bit Ill-Informed

Ever get the feeling life is passing you by? I pick up USA Today only to find out that Barbie has not only broken up with Ken, but did so in February.

Hello? I read now she’s already taken up with Blaine, some Aussie surfer dude. Where have I been? For all I know Salma Hayek might have gotten tired of waiting, and moved on without me.

That’s what happens, I guess, when you spend so many lost nights at Staples Center and Dodger Stadium. Who knew we had a cat?

“She’s 15 years old,” the wife said.

Let me tell you, it’s tough working three nights a week -- because that means spending the other four nights with the wife, daughters and the Grocery Store Bagger watching reality TV shows. Things get so tough at times, I find myself thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to go to a Spark game.

It’s time to take a vacation when you start thinking like that, and maybe get away from everybody for a couple of weeks -- I’m sure Hideo Nomo can relate.

I can’t stay away too long; the mother-in-law is due in town the second week of July. So I know I’ll be returning to work no later than the second week of July, and for a while, probably working again seven nights a week.

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BEFORE I left, I stopped by to listen to the Micro Manager, and I’ve never heard him sound so uptight. I guess the awareness that he’ll be out of job if the Dodgers don’t make the playoffs is wearing on him -- that, and probably the fact the team’s owner won’t do anything to improve the team’s chances of winning.

The pitching staff has been nicked by injuries, and Jim Tracy all but admitted he has to continue pitching Nomo because he doesn’t have a warm body to take his place. All those Dodger pitching prospects that Dan Evans didn’t want to trade apparently are stiffs -- or they’d certainly get the call to replace Nomo.

On a bright note, Tracy got a nice reception from the crowd when he came out to remove Nomo.

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DODGER FAN Craig Tomashoff sent letters to the Boston Parking Lot Attendant and customer relations with a problem he had recently on Autograph Day. When he didn’t get an immediate response, he called Customer Relations and was told he’d be transferred to security. Tomashoff didn’t want security, so he was told, “OK, I know who to send you to -- hold on.” Tomashoff estimates the phone rang 20 times before he hung up.

Given the level of noise now at Dodger Stadium, I’m not surprised no one could hear the phone. I said I’d take his problem to the Parking Lot Attendant, but then I was told the Attendant was unavailable. No reason he should treat me any differently than Tomashoff.

Over the years, I’ve received a number of e-mail complaints from Dodger fans. I had a deal with Derrick Hall, the Dodgers’ former vice president of communications, who had more juice than any of the fools now working here. I’d give Hall a chance to resolve the situation, and he was always quick to fix a PR fiasco, because after all, he had been trained under the fan-friendly ownership of the O’Malley family.

“Frank McCourt likes to claim he’s going to keep the Dodgers a family-friendly organization, but based on my recent experience, he’s doing just the opposite,” wrote Tomashoff. “I can’t tell you how ticked off the whole thing left not only me, but a bunch of other parents as well.”

Tomashoff had taken his young son to Autograph Day the last few years without incident, but this year Dodger security insisted he leave his 6-year-old alone in a crowd of kids to get an autograph. In this day and age, anyone who leaves a 6-year-old alone -- especially at the behest of a weekend security guard -- is crazy. Tomashoff isn’t crazy, and said he didn’t want an autograph for himself as the guard suggested, but just wanted to protect his child.

“Need I remind the Dodgers what would happen,” Tomashoff wrote, “if even one kid in that crowd went missing?”

I don’t know -- like Tomashoff, I never heard back from the Dodgers.

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BEFORE WEDNESDAY’S game, pitcher Jeff Weaver appeared on the scoreboard talking about his love for baseball as a kid, and how much he enjoyed coming to Dodger Stadium to watch the Dodgers take batting practice. The gates to Dodger Stadium no longer open in time for kids to watch the Dodgers take batting practice. (That might be good the way the Dodgers are hitting -- no reason to scar kids for the rest of their baseball lives.)

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I WAS listening to Roger Lodge on 1540, which shows you why I need a vacation, and he told a caller, who brought up Kobe Bryant’s sexual assault case, “stop beating on him,” for making one mistake. “If he wants to hit on the help at some hotel, it’s his business.” In Lodge’s case, I’d recommend a suspension rather than a vacation.

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ATTORNEY ROBERT Shapiro noticed the Oscar De La Hoya glove in my hand the other day, and I could tell what he was thinking: “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must give it to me.” De La Hoya, however, had signed the glove for the daughter who can’t get a date: “If I wasn’t already taken, I’d marry you.”

Too bad, indeed. With one daughter married to a slug, it would have been nice if the other one could have landed a slugger.

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DOCTORS FOUND a parasite in Jason Giambi of the New York Yankees, which explains his slump. I asked Tracy whether it was time to make a doctor’s appointment for Shawn Green.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in a phone call from Jason Cooper:

“What would you say if someone called your wife a Screaming Meanie?”

So you’ve met the wife.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.