Putting life in the party

Let’s face it, the political conventions are not big ratings grabbers. So it’s not surprising that the major networks have decided to limit coverage to three prime-time hours for each four-day event. Please -- Paris Hilton gets more airtime for mucking out a barn.

Just because the conventions are largely shallow and predictable fits of bunting and hyperbole doesn’t mean they can’t attract viewers. Political types just need to spice things up a bit. With the Democratic National Convention kicking off Monday, here are 10 humble suggestions to help raise ratings, or at least give “The Simpsons” repeats a run for its money.

1.Skip the whole economy/Iraq/healthcare “issuesy” stuff. It’s summer, the focus is on fun! Show off some of Boston’s charms -- get Kerry and Edwards to challenge their rivals to a regatta on the Charles River.

2.Why not throw in a drinking game to attract the fraternity crowd? Viewers can do a shot every time the initials JFK crop up. Add a beer chaser for every reference to the Clinton legacy. And for every mention of the 2000 election, throw a glass of cold water in your face.

3.When’s the last time a political convention tried sketch comedy? Irreverent skits and costumes go a long way toward lightening the mood. Dress Clinton as Julius Caesar, he’s got the legs for it. Have Gore recite the Brutus speech. Then: toga after-party!

4.The Olympic torch has been a big crowd pleaser, so how about a democracy torch, carried from Faneuil Hall? Get Ben Affleck to carry it onstage opening night -- his poker buddies can help him get up the stairs.

5.Speaking of the Olympics, you know what sports events have that the convention doesn’t? (Other than spectacular feats of athletic prowess, steroid scares and gambling opportunities, that is.) A mascot! And Donnie the Donkey could help jump-start some serious market branding for the kids. Look out, Joe Camel.

6.Get Michael Moore and Ted Kennedy to switch wardrobes and hairstyles.

7.Get Alex Kerry to suffer through another “wardrobe malfunction” like she had at the Cannes Film Festival. (Given the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident, it won’t be televised, but just think of the talk show chatter.)

8.Since the other members of the Kerry-Edwards clan are no slouches in the looks department, why not turn this popularity contest into a fashion show? Highlighting a bunch of all-American designers, of course. Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein for the men, some Hilfiger and Sean John for the boys. Teresa Heinz Kerry and Elizabeth Edwards would look lovely in Donna Karan. Dress up the girls in Zac Posen. For the Edwards kids, a little Marc Jacobs. And Kenneth Cole and Kate Spade all around.

9.Woo the all-important unregistered-single-female demographic with Cyndi Lauper’s perky ‘80s anthem “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” as sung by beloved populist and “American Idol” reject William Hung.

10.And don’t stop there. Since the Lollapalooza tour was canceled, all those alt-rock musicians are free right now. Sonic Youth could add some real punk-elder gravitas to the ceremonies with its version of “God Bless America.” And to introduce Heinz Kerry, give a nod to the boomer generation: Carly Simon doing a rendition of her big hit and ketchup commercial jingle, “Anticipation.”