In his dreams, Papa was a Rolling Stone

Everybody surely knows by now that Sunday is Father’s Day -- by any measure the most significant date on the Gregorian calendar, and the raison d’etre behind this week’s deluge of parades, TV specials and Jockey shorts sales.

As a dad, I’m both gratified and humbled to see that America hasn’t let the patriarchal honors end at concern over my comfort in breathable, 100% cotton. The lengths to which it’s possible to go to make dads happy keeps increasing, and this year, some lucky fellow will see his Father’s Day wish come true with a private lunch with Avril Lavigne.

That’s the big-ticket item in an EBay charity auction, and it was being touted as “the perfect gift for Father’s Day.” It closed Sunday for a high bid of $16,099, almost $1,000 per year of the 19-year-old Canadian pop-punk star’s young life.

I fear the high bidder wasn’t anyone I know, and I’m sure I’d know anyone who uses the name “Princesspopcornwhiskerdoodle” as their EBay nom de bidding. It’s too bad, because I’d been dropping hints, like planting a copy of Lavigne’s latest album, “Under My Skin,” in my wife’s car, then innocently asking, “Honey, did I leave my copy of Avril’s new CD in your car? What I wouldn’t give to talk shop with her at that new Canadian bistro on Melrose!”

But even though the lunch with Lavigne is spoken for, there are other remarkably creative possibilities.

There’s also a private lunch somewhere here in L.A. with Nick Lachey, star of MTV’s “Newlyweds” and husband of the irrepressible Jessica Simpson. Bidding on that one ends Monday, but it was up to about $2,500 earlier this week. That’d be worth it to see him field a dad-ish question: “What were you thinking? ... Oh, yeah.”

I’m mightily tempted to bid on the private lunch with the Amazing Kreskin -- but I’d only pay up if he can produce a sealed, time-stamped envelope with the correct amount of the winning bid and name of the high bidder, written in advance. I’d love to find out after all these years if Kreskin truly is amazing, or merely impressive, but either way it’d be great having a renowned mentalist after lunch to help divine where I parked.

Frugal types that we dads tend to be, I’d be looking for someone who’d supply more bang for those bucks. Give me a 78-year-old B.B. King, who’s logged more time tuning the strings of his guitar, Lucille, than Lavigne has put in on Earth.

Or better yet, give me lunch with some rock ‘n’ roll dad.

Singer-songwriter John Hiatt has written so many songs about dadhood you know he’d have an endless supply of great stories to relate over a Caesar salad. (“Were your kids really in the back seat banging like Charlie Watts -- and not Ringo Starr or John Bonham -- on that trip you sang about in ‘Slow Turning’?”)

Or maybe Keith Richards. Wouldn’t you love to hear how Richards disciplines any kid for anything?

In the ranks of celebrated pop music patriarchs, who can top R&B; singer Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, who left behind something like 70 children? How’d he ever find time for a sound check?

Then there’s Mike Ness. When he’s not busy fronting Social Distortion, Ness has spent time coaching his son’s Little League team. Instead of lunch, I’d certainly buy into a bleacher seat watching some other dad try to argue a decision with one of the great punk rockers.

I could see somebody getting fired up for the auction of a private guitar lesson from KISS member Paul Stanley. Still, looking to a member of KISS for musical advice is right up there with quizzing President Bush for golf tips -- not at the top of the priority list.

When it comes down to it, what we dads are most interested in is finding ways to do better by our kids, tips from reliable sources, and I don’t mean Ozzy Osbourne, Homer Simpson and Eugene Levy.

Maybe my expectations are too high in wanting meaningful dialogue with any celebrity. In fact, maybe the answer’s right in front of me, in another auction. This one’s an autographed copy of the 1999 book from comedian-filmmaker-author Steve Martin, as close to an iconic father figure as we have today, thanks to his roles in “Parenthood” and two “Father of the Bride” movies.

Just as Bill Cosby offered the ‘80s generation his literary take on what’s necessary for the modern dad, Martin’s book sounds tailor-made for today’s father on the quest for a new understanding of his role in life. It’s called “Pure Drivel.”

Randy Lewis can be reached at randy.lewis@latimes.com.