A Long (Winded) List of Rights

For nearly 40 years now, criminal suspects have been read their Miranda rights, making their lives easier. Until police memorized Miranda, they had to read the various elements from a card.

In this modern era of Southern California car chases, many of which end in subsequent foot chases, it’s time to print up new cards for police. Let’s face it, cops get irritated during chases. Last week, we saw again what happens when the frustration boils over: TV news cameras showed an LAPD officer repeatedly clobbering a suspect with his flashlight.

Long overdue is a specific set of rights for suspects after a foot chase ends. I’d suggest something along these lines, to be read by the officer at the moment of arrest:

“Howdy. Whew. That was quite a chase you just put us through. What, were you a trackman in high school? Maybe the half-mile or the mile? You’ll notice we’re all kind of huffing and puffing. You must think you’re a pretty important guy to run us around like this, knowing all the time you were just going to surrender, anyway.

“It is our intention to treat you as respectfully as possible. And that goes double for the officers who nearly had cardiac arrest trying to run you down, when their natural instinct was to pop a cap in your leg.

“As you’re lying down on the pavement with my knee on your back, I’m going to read you your rights. If at any time you don’t understand something I’ve told you, just let me know and I’ll repeat it.

“First, though, I’m curious. Do you have children, sir? If so, do you know what it’s like when you tell them to stop doing something and they continue doing it? That’s sort of how we feel about you. We are the authority figures, and you have defied us. You could have obeyed us and you didn’t. Instead, we had to chase you over hill and dale. Then, you throw up your hands and expect us to be all kissy-face with you. That’s not how we operate here in the department.

“However, having said that, the first thing I want to tell you is that despite having run us ragged when we should have been doing more important work, you have the right not to be cracked in the head. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t like to, but that is your right. To show you how seriously we take it, you’ll notice two of our officers off to your left restraining a third officer who would like to get a piece of you. Rest assured, he will not get to you.

“You have the right not to have your feet or legs injured by us in any way. Even though we would like to leave you with a lasting reminder of this chase by twisting each of your ankles into pretzel form, we are forbidden from doing so. Nor are we allowed to bend your arm back any farther than it naturally would go, nor apply billy-club pressure to the small of your back. If you feel any discomfort in those areas in the next few moments, don’t hesitate to inform us.

“Your arrogance in endangering countless citizens will not be held against you in this arrest phase. Yes, we could have shot you at any time, effectively ending the chase. We chose not to. You repaid our consideration by continuing to elude us and then, to top things off, forcing a bunch of us to run after you. You may have noticed we are not in peak condition. Frankly, we don’t appreciate this kind of exercise.

“Finally, a word or two about verbal abuse. This is expressly forbidden by the department. For instance, I heard one of my colleagues yell out to you, ‘Hey, Carl Lewis, assume the position.’ He meant that sarcastically, and he was wrong in saying it. Should you be subjected to any further sarcasm, you have the right to ask the offending officer to stop.

“That concludes the recitation of your rights. We’ll be taking you to jail now. Along the way, let us know if we can do anything to make your ride more comfortable.”

Dana Parsons can be reached at (714) 966-7821 or at dana.parsons@latimes.com. An archive of his recent columns is at www.latimes.com/parsons.