Sports’ Trendy Path: They Shoot, They Bore

Tonight, as the Lakers and the Spurs resume the series everybody wanted to see until they saw the first game, we are reminded that while excitement, unpredictability and drama may come and go, boredom never sleeps.

In fact, boredom has become the hot new trend in sports entertainment.

The biggest story in baseball right now? National League pitchers walking Barry Bonds 44 times in April, taking the bat out of the hands of the sport’s No. 1 gate attraction.

The biggest story in hockey? A Stanley Cup tournament inching its way ever closer to a final that would have the fans beating the owners and the players to a work stoppage -- Calgary-Tampa Bay.

The biggest story in basketball? Counting down the days between NBA playoff games, because, as David Stern has reminded us, you can’t spell “playoffs” without “layoff.” Seventeen days to complete the most boring first-round matchup on the board, Miami-New Orleans. Eleven days between games for the league’s winningest team, and now the most bored team, Indiana.

The only thing more boring than the delay between NBA playoff games are the games themselves. Monday night, New Jersey and Detroit combined for the lowest first-half point total, 62, in a playoff game since the inception of the shot clock. The Pistons eventually scored 78 points -- and won by 22. The Nets’ 56 points, two more than the league’s all-time postseason low, came on 19-for-70 field-goal shooting.

Sunday, the Lakers failed to score 20 points in the first, second and fourth quarters. Needing a quick start to establish some momentum on the road, the Lakers managed 14 points in the first quarter. Needing a strong finish to protect a three-point lead after three periods, the Lakers scored 13 points in the fourth quarter.

Right now, the Lakers look like a bored team. Gary Payton, unhappy in his limited role in the triangle offense, made one field goal in Game 1. Shaquille O’Neal, never much for the nuances of foul shooting, made three of 13 free throws. Phil Jackson was so bored by the prospect of two days off in San Antonio, he had his team fly back to Los Angeles between Games 1 and 2.

Boredom has become a television programming strategy.

Last month’s NFL draft -- aka “The Super Bowl of Boredom” -- drew a record number of viewers.

Televised poker, which involves people sitting around a TV watching people sitting around a table, has found ratings success.

The NBA playoff schedule maximizes boredom by maximizing the number of Friday, Saturday and Sunday games. The premise: Friday, Saturday and Sunday are prime viewing days for sports fans -- assuming, of course, they can still remember who’s playing after so much time off between games.

In these NBA playoffs, there’s never no tomorrow. In this tournament, there is nothing but tomorrows.

Somehow, we have to kill the time between games.

Bored with the tournament brackets in front of us, we decide to create some of our own.

With not much game action to report in recent weeks, ESPN’s website has devoted attention to self-seeded “best active athlete” tournaments, male and female divisions, setting up, say, Michael Vick versus Kobe Bryant in a round-of-16 matchup and asking fans to vote on who’s the better athlete.

Vick won that confrontation, somewhat predictably. Vick has only played one full season in his three years in the NFL, but many ESPN on-line voters play video games, and no one can do the things Vick can do on a computerized football field.

Vick went on to defeat Ray Lewis in the quarterfinals and Michael Phelps in the semis, swimming video games being not quite as evolved as football video games.

In the other semifinal, Lance Armstrong defeated Barry Bonds in something of an upset. On ESPN, Armstrong doesn’t get nearly as much air time as Bonds, who has virtually become the network’s logo. Clearly, the result came down to what-has-he-done-lately -- and lately, Bonds has done a lot of walking to first base, not quite as grueling as winning five consecutive Tour de France championships after nearly dying from cancer.

The women’s tournament has reached a final four: Serena Williams versus Diana Taurasi in one semifinal, Mia Hamm versus triathlete Barb Lindquist in the other.

Marion Jones? Hamm took her out in the second round. Apparently, voters have been keeping up with the BALCO story.

ESPN’s website also features a ranking of the “toughest sports in the world,” so determined by a panel of “experts” consisting of sports scientists, academicians, sportswriters and Brian Jordan. Number grades were assigned in 10 categories -- from endurance to strength to agility to hand-eye coordination -- and 60 sports were ranked according to “degree of difficulty.”

Boxing was No. 1, fishing was No. 60, even though the objective to each activity is pretty much the same: Kill your opponent.

Ice hockey was rated the second most difficult sport to play. Teemu Selanne and Paul Kariya can vouch for that. Football was No. 3, ranked 10 slots higher than rugby, even though rugby involves all the brutality and violence of football, only without the helmet and the pads.

Along the same lines, Australian rules football did not make the top 60, but bowling, billiards, curling, table tennis and cheerleading did. ESPN experts, your cultural bias is showing. Ask any boxer or hockey player who has ever seen an Aussie rules match and he’ll tell you with a shudder, “Man, I want no part of that.”

There was another notable omission, one that requires extraordinary endurance, stamina, strength and durability. It’s called: Waiting for the next NBA playoff game.