Their Money’s Still Good but Their Teams Aren’t

We are gathered here today to pay our respects to a sports strategy that, while still favored by certain rich men and aging sportswriters who wax nostalgic over dynasties long departed, deserves to be laid to rest.

The Best Team Money Can Buy.

Remember that one?

Remember the “Four Future Hall of Famers” who couldn’t be stopped from running roughshod over professional basketball, sure to be seen riding into the sunset with an NBA championship trophy glistening in the dusk?

The Lakers are halfway to being swept out of the second round of the playoffs.

Remember the $7-million hockey heist pulled off by the Colorado Avalanche, pirating Paul Kariya and Teemu Selanne in deals certain to turn the NHL season into a two-team runaway -- the Avs and the have-nots?

Colorado was knocked out of the second round of the playoffs.

Remember Real Madrid’s plunking down $35 million to add David Beckham to a “Los Galacticos” lineup already glutted with soccer superstars Ronaldo, Raul, Roberto Carlos, Luis Figo and Zinedine Zidane?

Real Madrid lost in the quarterfinals of the European Champions League and is teetering on the brink of third place at this late stage in the Spanish league season.

Remember how A-Rod-to-New York was going to render the entire baseball season meaningless for every team not named the Yankees?

A-Rod’s new team began Friday with the sixth-best record in the American League.

Dream teams just ain’t what they used to be.

The concept, as old as George Steinbrenner’s money, has always worked better in wine cellars and automobile showrooms than on athletic fields: If you want the best, pay for the best. From the mogul perspective, it sounds deceptively simple: He who spends the most, wins the most. The philosophy has served them well everywhere else in the world, why not inside the stadium?

Well, while the Avalanche was obsessed with stockpiling shooters, it forgot about goalies and defensemen.

And when Real Madrid needed to clear out roster and salary room to accommodate Beckham, it decided to sell midfielders Claude Makele and Geremi to Chelsea and loan forward Fernando Morientes to Monaco. Result: Chelsea reached the Champions League semifinals, lasting one round longer than Real. Monaco reached the Champions League final, eliminating Real in the quarters on home and away goals by Morientes -- who is still being paid 65% of his weekly $90,000 salary by Real.

Imagine the Lakers not only getting treated for whiplash after two games against Tony Parker, but also contributing 65% of his paycheck.

So it could be worse, Laker fans. Not by much, but it still could be worse.

Sunday, ABC televises Game 3 to a national audience forming new opinions as to the true identities of the “Four Future Hall of Famers.” Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe Bryant, Tim Duncan, and ...

Tony Parker?

What happened to Karl Malone and Gary Payton?

Charles Barkley put it this way on TNT Wednesday night: “It’s very simple. The Lakers are better [at two positions] with Shaq and Kobe. [The Spurs have] Tim Duncan and Tony Parker. So that’s a wash. But the Spurs are better everywhere else.... Unless you go back in the time machine with Karl Malone and Gary Payton. They were great in their day. But they are not in their day.”

Also available for viewing this weekend:

TODAY

* Philadelphia Flyers at Tampa Bay Lightning (Channel 7, noon)

If dream teams are out in 2004, what is in? Can you say “teamwork?” It worked for New England and Carolina in the NFL, and it’s certainly en vogue in the Stanley Cup playoffs, now down to a no-frills final four: Philadelphia, Tampa Bay, Calgary and San Jose.

A recent ESPN Sports poll asked NHL fans 12 and older to name their favorite team. Top four responses: Detroit (16.8%), “none” (12%), Colorado (8.4%) and Philadelphia (5.8%). San Jose was 14th at 2.5%. Tampa Bay and Calgary did not make the top 20.

The same fans were asked to name their favorite NHL player. Top choice, earning 51.7% of the vote, was “none.”

That equaled the amount of San Jose, Tampa Bay and Calgary players in the top 22. Philadelphia had three on the list: No. 13 John LeClair (1.1%), No. 15 Jeremy Roenick (1%) and No. 21 Mark Recchi (0.4%).

“I’m not going to lie,” Roenick said Friday on ESPN’s “Pardon The Interruption.” “It’s going to be terrible for the NHL if Philly’s not there” in the finals.

Foolish bulletin-board fodder? Or taking the words out of Gary Bettman’s mouth?

* Tampa Bay Devil Rays at Angels

(Fox Sports Net, 7 p.m.)

For some teams, the Major League Baseball-Columbia Pictures advertising scheme was no big deal. So what if Spider-Man was on every base? The Devil Rays would leave him stranded.

SUNDAY

* Dodgers at Pittsburgh Pirates

(Fox Sports Net 2, 10:30 a.m.)

The Dodgers have a relief pitcher who recorded his 72nd consecutive save Thursday. If baseball thinks it needs superheroes to sell its sport to kids, maybe it should try posting Eric Gagne logos in its ballparks.

* Calgary Flames at San Jose Sharks

(ESPN, 1 p.m.)

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation announced plans this week for a hockey reality series called “Making The Cut,” to begin filming this month. The format: Dozens of aspiring hockey players attend a series of tryout camps, with six finalists winning invitations to training camp with Canada’s six NHL teams in 2005. Either that or Bettman and Bob Goodenow walk in to suspend operations after nine episodes -- and then Bettman announces he’s relocating the show to Albuquerque.