Dodgers Really Didn’t Need Organ Transplant

You wanted more hits, and so the Dodgers have responded the best way they know how.

In the biggest blockbuster move to date under the new ownership of the Boston Parking Lot Attendant, the team will no longer allow organist Nancy Bea Hefley to play anything other than a pregame ditty, the national anthem and “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.”

In place of the traditional sounds of the organ during the game, a disc jockey will now play CD hits.

The thinking, of course, is that the Beastie Boys can deliver night after night, which puts them way ahead of Shawn Green & Co.

It’s probably cheaper too, to throw in an extra Dodger Dog for the DJ for coming up with hit after hit, rather than paying for another big bat on the team.

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THE DODGERS started the season 22-10, then I stopped by to take a look, and ever since they’d gone 2-12. I hope it wasn’t something I said.

I stopped by Green’s locker for a chat Saturday, and while you might expect to find someone hitting .143 in his last 42 at-bats grumpy, I figured if he took a swing at me, the way things are going he’d miss.

Always the nice guy, he asked me to sit down. Two years ago we had one of these poke-fun-at-him chats at a time when he had more strikeouts than hits, and he responded by hitting four home runs and a double in the same game.

During our conversation two years ago I told him I’d given him the nickname “the Puddle,” because it seemed every time he came under the glare of pressure, he melted. He disagreed, and went on to hit 42 home runs, but here we go again.

“I haven’t been paying attention to what people have been saying about me because I don’t want the Puddle to be muddled,” he joked. “I have to do my own thing. It’s like golf, I have this checklist I go through when I come to the plate.”

I asked what kind of golfer he is, and he said, “It’s a rarity when I break 100,” and while that means he could beat Dwyre with regularity, maybe the first thing he ought to do is trash that golf-like checklist.

We shook hands, and I told him I’d be trashing him in the paper if he didn’t start hitting, so he smashed a single to right to drive in the Dodgers’ first run of the game, igniting a four-run rally. Then he singled up the middle to drive in the Dodgers’ fifth run in what would become a Dodger rout.

I’d probably make a pretty good Dodger manager, if they allowed me to work with the players with the threat of writing about them on Page 2.

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THE BIG problem here is not Green, but the Dodgers and their cheapness when it comes to putting a big-time hitter behind Green since the departure of Gary Sheffield. Green hit 49 homers sitting in front of Sheffield, and had 42 the following year with Brian Jordan offering some protection.

It’s like Paul Lo Duca said, “I don’t care if he’s hitting .100, the teams that come in here fear him more than anyone else and pitch him differently than all of us.”

Give the opposition someone else to worry about, and Green has shown the ability to dominate. One more power hitter protecting Green, and the Dodgers could actually make a case for winning baseball’s weakest division.

The Parking Lot Attendant, though, is broke, so it looks like the Dodgers best chance for success this season is asking me to talk to Green more often.

Unfortunately, the way the Lakers played Saturday night in Minneapolis, it looks like I’m going to be busy elsewhere for a while.

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THE L.A. Daily News reported billionaire/philanthropist/headline hunter Eli Broad would be interested in owning an NFL team here, but he’s not interested in being drawn into “another circus.”

Well, he got his headline.

As for getting a team, let me tell you, whoever ends up owning the new NFL team in L.A. at times is going to be asked to do a high-wire act, jump through hoops and ultimately be treated like a clown. It’s the NFL way.

Broad had the chance to whip out his checkbook last time around and trump Bob McNair’s bid for an expansion team in Houston, but he never came close to putting up the money because he expects the NFL to just award him the team because he’s Eli Broad, billionaire and philanthropist.

Broad got his headlines a few months back when he let it be known he’d be interested in buying the Dodgers, just as the deal with the Boston Parking Lot Attendant was being wrapped up. He keeps bringing up

Peter O’Malley’s name every time he talks, because it increases the chances of getting a bigger headline.

If the billionaire really wants to help, then he should step forward and become the local minority financial partner that the Boston Parking Lot Attendant must find to pay back loans to Fox. The problem with that, of course, is Broad would have to be a silent partner, and I don’t see that happening.

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CALLING RAUL Mondesi an Angel sure sounds funny.

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I FORGOT to take one thing into consideration when predicting the Lakers would make fast work of Minnesota, and that would be the Timberwolves’ incredible drive to visit Los Angeles as often as they can.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Candice Anthony:

“You mentioned in your column the other day something about G. Lo, and his new book, calling comedian George Lopez a big-butt comedian when it’s obvious to everyone he’s lost a ton of weight. How about checking your facts next time.”

I don’t know how I missed that.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.