ABC Must Have Been Really Desperate

Unless the Patriots and Chiefs can come up with something spicy, “Monday Night Football” is going to be tame this evening by comparison with last week’s revealing Terrell Owens-Nicollette Sheridan episode.

Not that Greg Cote of the Miami Herald is asking for much. “Give me a naked woman in the pregame show and I’ll forget who’s playing anyway,” he wrote, adding: “It was shocking, after the Super Bowl/Janet Jackson fiasco resulting in a $550,000 FCC fine, that ABC had enough high-ranking morons to allow the skit at all.”

In Colorado, Bernie Lincicome of the Rocky Mountain News had his own view.

“Those of us in politically red states must, by law, be against anything that is racy, steamy and crude,” he said, “not counting NASCAR, of course.”

Lincicome was one of many columnists to point out that NFL cheerleaders are every bit as suggestive as naked actresses in locker rooms.

The solution, he said, “would be to hire only homely women, really desperate housewives. Throw in a few spinsters, a couple of meter maids, a lady golfer or two. Anyone who reminds you of an in-law or a junior high teacher.”

Trivia time: Who is the only running back in the NCAA to gain at least 100 yards in every game this season?

A one-two punch: Having beaten Shane Mosley in a super-welterweight title fight on HBO in Las Vegas on Saturday night, Winky Wright recognized just how much he had Mosley to thank. “Without him, I’d still be fighting on ESPN, in West Virginia,” he said.

Typecasting: All in all, it was a bad week for soccer star David Beckham, what with England’s 1-0 loss to Spain in Seville on Wednesday and being yanked from Real Madrid’s 3-0 loss to Barcelona on Saturday.

Given that, Beckham hardly needed the Guardian newspaper explaining why he had turned down the chance to appear in a movie alongside Beyonce Knowles and Steve Martin.

“By all accounts, the England captain was earmarked to play a professional footballer, a role that on current evidence would have tested his acting abilities to the absolute maximum,” the Guardian commented.

Indefensible: Tom Powers of the St. Paul Pioneer Press believed the Minnesota Vikings’ defense couldn’t possibly get any worse. He was correct.

“If this week’s defensive game plan were any simpler, the playbook would be entitled, ‘See Spot Run,’ ” Powers wrote. “If the Viking coaches dumb down any more on defense, they’ll have to pass out drool buckets. ... These fellows are dumber than a box of rocks.”

Then came Sunday, when the Vikings shut out the Lions in the second half and won, 22-19.

Trivia answer: Cal’s J.J. Arrington, who ran for 169 yards in the Golden Bears’ 41-6 victory over Stanford on Saturday, his 10th 100-yard game this season.

And finally: Oregon’s 50-21 loss to Oregon State on Saturday left the Ducks at 5-6, meaning they won’t play in a bowl game for the first time since the 1996 season. Putting it all in perspective, quarterback Kellen Clemens said, “I have no idea what I’m going to do with Christmas break this year.”