Hey, Pilgrim, would ya pass the blessings
Rain in the rivers,
Snow on the slopes,
Johnny Damon, Ortiz and the rest of those dopes.
Roast beef with horseradish,
That dude Miles Standish,
Potatoes, an olive, anchovies, a radish.
The laughter of children,
The TV ... the cable,
They’re skinning a frog over at the kids’ table.
Our soldiers on duty,
And Oprah, that cutie,
The fireplace that will soon singe Santa’s big booty.
Jessica Simpson and Anna Nicole,
Their heads seem half empty,
When they’re really half full.
Books with a purpose,
Old friends, when they surface,
Warm days ... cold nights ... the sound of the furnace.
Autumn sun through the trees,
Cats when they sneeze,
Those tart little onions mixed in with the peas.
White meat, dark meat,
Giant vats full of gravy,
Tomorrow, I’m having my first coronary.
The sound of dogs snoring,
The way young kids dance,
The way the dads sigh as they unbuckle their pants.
Pretty girls with white pompoms,
Steak sauce ... Grey Poupon,
The Pacers -- if we can only deport them to Guam.
Stories from Keillor,
An affordable car dealer,
The way popcorn smells when you enter the theater.
That book “Chicken Little,”
The squeak of a fiddle,
The way that Dick Butkus used to plug up the middle.
A holiday concert,
Aaron Neville’s falsetto,
Marsalis ... a horn ... a trumpet concerto.
My wife’s manicotti,
That guy Paul Giamatti,
The way I wake up after one peppermint latte.
Days to remember,
A rainy November,
Elections that don’t last till deep into December.
Toddlers when feeding,
The Lakers when leading,
And retailers who wait till after Thanksgiving.
The Cowboys, the Lions,
John Madden, Al Michaels,
In the morning I’m using three exercise cycles.
A new Porsche Carrera,
Buy one, I dare ya,
The Cubs ... could it be the start of an era?
Thick woolen socks,
Chivas Regal on rocks,
Parades where reindeer all march in Reeboks.
Leftovers for soup,
Diapers that droop,
The Sopranos, the Bradys, reruns of “F Troop.”
Grace ‘round the table,
That babe Betty Grable,
A donation to someone we know who’s less able.
The pies that are baking,
The memories we’re making,
My good buddy Irv, the martinis he’s shaking.
Unbuckle your belt,
Unfasten your collar,
If you kick off your shoes, it’ll cost you a dollar.
Tom Hanks, Tommy Franks,
The Dodgers, the Yanks,
Here’s a holiday wish -- stay away from those Kranks.
And when it’s all done,
When the turkey’s been eaten,
You can be pretty certain that the cook looks well-beaten.
Say goodbye to your hostess,
Give someone a hug,
For this holiday meal, this holiday drug.
For, next year we’ll return,
Loud as 100 jackhammers,
The family that needs way more time with Miss Manners.
