Good Times Have Been Suspended in Anaheim

Ask most people and they’d tell you there had to be more to the suspension of Jose Guillen than what we’ve heard so far, and I think they’re correct, because I believe I’ve gotten to the bottom of things.

Before the Angels’ first playoff game Tuesday, I approached Angel Manager Mike Scioscia, figuring he’d want to congratulate me for getting his underachievers this far, and he snapped, “Get down on your knees and kiss my [behind].”

Well, there you go. I figure now he said the same thing to Guillen, and knowing how obstinate Guillen can be, he probably declined to get on his knees and kiss Scioscia’s (behind) and then was suspended for insubordination. Like I said, I got to the bottom of things.

(Most folks in pro sports expect everyone to kiss their behinds, but this is the second time recently, including Jose Lima, that someone has insisted on it, and I guess they think someone can just turn into Rex Hudler overnight.)

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FRANKLY, I was a little startled by Scioscia’s potty mouth in front of so many people, especially since he knew I left the Dodgers to come here and support the Angels -- only to be greeted with a steady chorus of “kiss my [behind].”

I thought he’d have had a bigger vocabulary than that, what with all the time he spent with Tom Lasorda, but like some kind of juvenile parrot he kept repeating himself.

I remained the upbeat, helpful columnist that I always am, of course, and asked if he wanted me to give a speech to the team to get them ready for Boston.

“Thank God, the clubhouse is closed to the media,” he said, but the way the Angels flopped in Game 1, he’ll probably be begging me to fire up the guys tonight.

A short time later, I attended Scioscia’s pregame news conference and noted that he didn’t swear at anyone. (Probably because I didn’t ask a question).

I left the room with him and he said, “Why are you following me? You’re like a hemorrhoid.” I guess he got tired of being the butt of some of my jokes, because I have no idea what made him so cranky.

I reminded Scioscia the Angels wouldn’t be in the playoffs if Guillen hadn’t been suspended, thank you very much. The Angels went 7-1 after Guillen’s banishment to clinch a playoff spot, and it’s a good thing Guillen acted like a jerk just when he did or they’d have fallen short.

That’s why I figured I’d be greeted by Scioscia with a hug. Just before I took on the grueling assignment of getting the Dogs to the finish line, I had stopped by Angel Stadium and had gotten into a tiff with Guillen -- setting him up for Scioscia.

Scioscia had even urged me to (tick) off Guillen at the time because, he said, it would make him play better, although I think we know now why he really wanted me to (tick) Guillen off.

“You did [tick] off Guillen,” Mr. Potty Mouth said. “I’ve got to hand it to you for that.” Just doing what I can to help -- even though it’s not always appreciated.

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THE ANGELS fell flat in their playoff opener, and it’s pretty obvious that if they’re going to recover they need to suspend someone.

I asked Angel owner Arte Moreno whom the team might suspend down the stretch next season since it worked so well this year, and he said, “Maybe [GM Bill] Stoneman.” That certainly wouldn’t be any loss as far as I’m concerned.

But I don’t think that’d make a difference now when it comes to beating the Red Sox, so I checked with Mickey Hatcher, the team’s hitting instructor.

“There’s no question the whole atmosphere changed” when Guillen was suspended, Hatcher said. “I don’t know why. I know my name was on the list [to be suspended], but it just wasn’t drawn out of the hat.”

Time to crumple the names of everyone once again and put them in the hat. I’d volunteer to pull a name out, but I think I know what Scioscia would say.

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JOELLE JAMES, who sings the national anthem better than anyone I have ever heard at a sporting event, performed before the Angels’ game and provided the day’s only highlight. The Dodgers might want to invite her to perform Saturday to avoid making these playoffs a total loss.

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SCIOSCIA INFORMED the media after the game that “a series isn’t over until someone wins three games.” The man knows his baseball.

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SOME GUY with the name “Paul” above his locker stood nude in the Angels’ clubhouse and said, “I only do interviews in the nude. Come on over.”

No one did, including the female TV producer standing a few feet away who was waiting for Troy Glaus to appear -- like everybody else wanting to talk to those players who had actually played in the game.

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BOSTON TRIED to throw out the Angels’ fat catcher at first on a hit to right, but the throw was wild. I’m betting a fat, old sportswriter could run faster than Bengie Molina, and think it’d be a great charity fundraiser in spring training. Scioscia could run too. I’ll have to check, though, to see if Sports Editor Bill Dwyre will be available.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Mike Cope:

“That had to be one of the most over-the-top articles I have ever read. I don’t know whether to laugh at your outrageous hyperbole or feel sorry for you. There has got to be something behind this parade of cynicism you’re lavishing on our beloved Lakers. I can’t believe Devean George didn’t punch you in the spleen.”

Come on, if he had taken a shot, he’d have missed.

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Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.