Debates with one immodest moderator

What if Donald Trump had been the moderator for Wednesday’s presidential debate? Which candidate would survive the boardroom grilling used on “The Apprentice”?

Trump: I want to set the stage for this discussion by asking the question that is probably on the minds of many people tonight, namely: What’s the score of the Yankees-Red Sox game?

Sen. Kerry: Well, first of all, Donald, thank you for moderating tonight. Thank you, Arizona State. And thank you to the presidential commission for undertaking this enormous task. We’re proud to be here.

Trump: Blah blah blah. Time is money, senator! OK, let’s talk about the assignment I gave each of your teams this week -- winning the war on terror. President Bush, as project leader, how did your team do?

Bush: As a result of securing ourselves and ridding the Taliban out of Afghanistan, the Afghan people had elections this weekend. And the first voter was a 19-year-old woman. Think about that.

Trump: I am thinking about that. Was she hot? But, what about Osama bin Laden?

Bush: We’re making progress.

Trump: Yes or no, did you catch Osama bin Laden?

Bush: We held to account a terrorist regime in Saddam Hussein.

Trump: So you dropped the ball on Osama? Kerry, what do you think?

Kerry: When the president had an opportunity to capture or kill Bin Laden, he ... outsourced the job to Afghan warlords.

Trump: What would you do?

Kerry: I have a plan.

Trump: You have a plan for this, you have a plan for that. I make “plans” for dinner but on the job I take “action.” What are you going to do?

Kerry: I have a plan.

Trump: Never mind. What about healthcare?

Kerry: Five million Americans have lost their health insurance in this country. You’ve got about a million right here in Arizona, just shy, 950,000 who have no health insurance at all; 82,000 Arizonians lost their health insurance under President Bush’s watch; 223,000 kids in Arizona have no health insurance at all. All across our country ...

Trump: You lost me after the square root of 82,000 Arizonians. Are you even saying that right -- Arizonians? OK, so how do you pay for all this healthcare?

Kerry: We start by rolling back George Bush’s unaffordable tax cut for the wealthiest people, people earning more than $200,000 a year.

Trump: What? You want to raise my taxes? Are you nuts?

Bush: He voted to increase taxes 98 times. When they tried to reduce taxes, he voted against that 127 times. He talks about being a fiscal conservative, or fiscally sound, but ... he voted 277 times to waive the budget caps.

Trump: Pretty strong words from a guy who just turned a $5.6-trillion surplus into the biggest budget deficit in history. If I ran one of my companies like that, it would be in Chapter 11 right now. Oh, wait, one of my companies is in Chapter 11. Senator, some Catholic archbishops are saying it would be a sin to vote for you because you support abortion rights. Does that make you mad?

Kerry: I respect their views.... But I disagree with them.... I believe that I can’t legislate or transfer to another American citizen my article of faith.

Trump: Come on! The archbishops said it would be a sin. That’s strong stuff. Murder, adultery, avarice, voting for John Kerry. How can that not make you mad? And I don’t believe you anyway. Politicians legislate their religious beliefs all the time. Mr. President, how about you?

Bush: Will I have a litmus test for my judges? The answer is, no, I will not have a litmus test.

Trump: Good, because the only thing a litmus test tells you is whether something is acidic or alkaline. Nobody cares about a judge’s pH balance. It’s better to use those tests where you fill in the bubbles. Let’s move on. Senator, who do you think I should fire?

Kerry: He’s the only president in 72 years to lose jobs -- 1.6 million jobs lost. He’s the only president to have incomes of families go down for the last three years; the only president to see exports go down ...

Trump: Stop. I’ve heard enough. I think both of you are complete idiots. So here’s my decision: You’re both fired. There’s only one person qualified to run the country. Me.