He Seeks a Slim Chance to Keep Up With Finley

Let me explain what I have against the Dodgers’ Steve Finley.

The other day the wife gave me a present, 10 private sessions with a fitness trainer, her caring, loving way of saying, “Happy birthday, you fat blob.”

It’s Finley’s fault, of course, because she sees an old man playing baseball and somehow still hitting home runs and so now the wife wonders why her old man doesn’t have more spring in his step -- without swallowing half a dozen Advil every four hours.

“If you’re going to run off with Salma Hayek some day, what’s she going to think when you can’t keep up?” the wife cracked, and let me tell you, it was a heart-warming birthday.

*

I WENT to Finley before Saturday’s game to find out how the geezer does it, and he said it’s genetics and hard work.

Both of my parents have been dead for some time, so based on genetics, I’d have to say I’m in great shape.

As for hard work, I gave it a try for a couple days. I went to the 24 Hour Family Fitness in Yorba Linda with gift certificate in hand and met Manager Chris Long, a former Arena Football League player who suffered eight concussions, which explains why he struggled counting to 10 every time we moved to a new apparatus.

“I should get my highlight film so you can watch it,” Long said, and while I’m sure some people might find it fascinating to watch some guy get knocked out eight times, I see it all the time in my job, or at least the nights Kaz Ishii is pitching.

*

I KNOW Salma is worth the extra effort, so I did everything Long demanded and the results were almost immediate -- something I would call excruciating pain.

“The body is a brilliant machine,” Finley said, and who knew that we both looked upon Salma the same way.

“I studied kinesiology in college and I’ve always been forward-thinking in what it takes to care for your body and keep that edge. I met a woman eight years ago who changed everything ... “

If the wife was really interested in getting me in shape, now there’s a gift.

“Dr. Edythe Heus,” he said, and I guess I misunderstood. “Dr. Heus and Marv Marinovich came up with ‘Proper Body Exercise.’ There’s a book on it, and when I first tried it, it took 10 years off my body. I work with her every off-season, and without those workouts ... “ he’d probably look like me.

“No, I don’t think so,” Finley said.

*

THE OLD man’s performance has saved the Dodger sky from falling on GM Paul DePodesta, who tried to sabotage the team’s grip on the division title with the ridiculous deal with Florida. DePodesta blew the Arizona deal, too, failing to secure Randy Johnson, but had he allowed Finley to go to San Diego, we’d be measuring the Dodgers today for choke collars.

When Finley arrived I made a dinner wager with the Micro Manager that the geezer wouldn’t hit 10 homers. I forgot to take into account my ability to motivate -- apparently, even old men -- and so Finley started Saturday night’s game with nine home runs as a Dodger.

I reminded him he still hadn’t recorded No. 10, and an hour later Finley took care of that. (Where would the Angels and Dodgers be without Page 2?)

*

P.S.: AFTER all the nonsense about genetics, hard work, Dr. Edythe and Marv, it turns out the secret to Finley’s success and many of those around him in a Dodger uniform are the “energy pouches” they are wearing around their necks.

I didn’t think it could be talent.

Shawn Green said Finley gave him a necklace before Friday’s game, and isn’t that nice?

Finley referred me to www.circlesoflife.com, and some kind hooey urging folks to listen to nice music, wear a magic necklace, and take a supplement once a day. No mention if the supplement was endorsed by Barry Bonds.

“The necklace harnesses the higher energy in and around the body to provide it with an Optimum Center of Gravity resulting in greater balance, increased strength, and endurance,” according to the gibberish on the website.

All I know is Finley gave Jayson Werth a necklace, too, and Green, Werth and Finley all hit home runs Friday night in a stirring win. On Saturday the old man homered, his fourth in three games, and then singled in yet another run in a thrilling win.

That’s great, but if I come home wearing a necklace, I’m going to spend the next hour attending to the daughters and the wife who have fallen down laughing.

At least it’d be great exercise.

*

I NOTICED USC baseball Coach Mike Gillespie has hired his son-in-law, former Dodger Chad Kreuter, I presume to teach future major league prospects how to act like a jerk if they ever make it big time.

*

YOU SHOULD know who to blame: Kevin Gettmann. Mr. Gettmann had it in his hands Thursday night to stop me from further annoying the Angels and Dodgers this season after he found my Baseball Writers’ Assn. of America card, which gets me into any major league baseball park. Gettmann not only called to say he found the card, but then paid for overnight Federal Express delivery so I could get back to ridiculing the Dodgers and Angels as soon as possible.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from James Young:

“I’ve been logged on to the Dodgers website for four hours trying to buy postseason tickets, but they say the server is full. Can I use your tickets and take the daughter who can’t get a date instead? I promise I won’t belch. I’ll bring the Thunderbird wine.”

Where does she send the limo?

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.