Here’s the dish on fast-food secrets

THE dog days of summer are here. It’s when Hollywood releases its worst movies and fast-food joints seem to go on autopilot.

With very little new and trendy to review, Drive-By Dining has a few helpful hints for your fast-food enjoyment:

“For here or to go?” Some places ask this to determine how your food will be packaged. Others, like the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, ask this to determine how your food will be taxed under state law. If you say “for here,” you will be taxed; if you say “to go,” you will not. Therefore, your answer should always be “to go,” even if you only plan “to go” 10 feet to the nearest table.

Have it your way ... for real. You know what’s in the kitchen, so don’t limit yourself to what’s on the menu. For instance, Jack in the Box has a new Ultimate Club Sandwich, which is basically the same as the old Ultimate Club Sandwich unveiled two years ago, except now it’s on those prefab buns they have the gall to call sourdough toast. (For good sourdough toast, have breakfast at the Original Pantry downtown.) Tell them you want the Ultimate Club but on the tastier ciabatta bun. They’ll make it for you, and chances are they won’t even think of spitting in it.

Relish the not-so-secret menu. If you’re in the know, you never order a regular Double-Double from In-N-Out. Order from the secret menu (which anyone can find by clicking “secret menu” on its website). A “3-by-3” has three beef patties and three slices of cheese, a “4-by-4” has four beef patties and four slices of cheese, and a “5-by-5” could quite possibly give you a heart attack. Try it “animal style” (grilled onions, extra sauce, and mustard fried into the patty) or “protein style” (no bun, wrapped in lettuce). Ask for your fries “well done.” Then try to find the little Bible verse references hidden in the wrappers and stamped under the cups -- a fun game if you’re trying to sober up from an evening out.

Soak in the atmosphere. It’s hard to call Pink’s Hot Dogs in Hollywood “fast food,” since you can sometimes wait an hour in line, but where else will you find hot dogs named for such notable/questionable celebrities as Martha Stewart, Rosie O’Donnell, Ozzy Osbourne and Huell Howser? And where else can you see a framed head shot of Cardinal Mahony inscribed, “And on the 8th day, God created Pink’s Hot Dogs”?

Don’t mind the store. Where’s the quirky architecture gone? Sure, Tail o’ the Pup still looks like a hot dog, and Randy’s Donuts has that giant doughnut on top of it, but the Bucket burger joint in Eagle Rock isn’t very bucket-like, and if you make a trek to the original Hat in Alhambra, you’ll be bummed that the building looks nothing like a hat. Of course, you can mask your disappointment with a terrific pastrami sandwich and a plate of chili fries that’s larger than your head.

Get your mojo risin’. Go to Shakey’s Pizza and order the “mojo potatoes” with “extra mojo.” The bewildered expression on the counterperson will have you smiling all day.