Furcal in Dodger Stadium Is Out-and-Out Ridiculous

Several e-mailers have been quick to praise the Dodgers for the signing of shortstop Rafael Furcal, and also sarcastically critical, suggesting the Dodgers apparently can’t do anything right to please Page 2.

I took that to heart, of course, looked closer at the Furcal deal, and admit the Dodgers deserve credit.

They managed to sign the worst active hitter in all of major league baseball with at least 50 at-bats when it comes to performing in Dodger Stadium. I’m not making this stuff up -- the Dodgers’ big free-agent signing is a lifetime .157 hitter in Dodger Stadium. And that’s against Dodger pitching.

Furcal has played 18 games in Dodger Stadium, collecting 11 hits in 70 at-bats with 10 runs, while also piling up one run batted in. Dodger pitchers are going to be ticked, missing the opportunity to face the guy.

Just think about it. With all the available free agents in baseball, the Dodgers managed to pinpoint the absolute worst hitter in Dodger Stadium. It almost goes without saying that Paul DePodesta’s computer would have known that, but you have to admire the instincts of the Dodgers’ new general manager, Ned Colletti, who is old-school and just has a feel for this kind of thing -- landing the worst instead of maybe the fourth- or fifth-worst.

Furcal, a lifetime .284 hitter known best for scoring runs because Marcus Giles, Chipper Jones and Andruw Jones followed him in the lineup, hit .321 at home last season and .246 on the road. It’ll be interesting to see whether he feels right at home in Dodger Stadium -- beginning the season with three games against Atlanta.

On the bright side, of course, and I’m always looking for that, the Dodgers are going to pay Furcal an average of $13 million a year, so he can hire a limousine to take him to the game to avoid another arrest for drunk driving.

The last time Furcal was arrested for drunk driving, before serving time in jail a year ago in October 2004 for violating probation, he reportedly told the officer who stopped him: “I play for the Braves, can you give me a chance?”

For comic relief, he might be just what the local police need. Wouldn’t you like to see the look on the face of the L.A. officer told, “I play for the Dodgers, can you give me a chance?”

The second time Furcal was arrested for driving under the influence, the time he was caught driving 90 mph in his Mercedes, he told an officer he’d had two beers. His blood-alcohol level, however, registered 0.127 in a state with a limit of 0.08. I’m not surprised he lost count of the beers he’d had.

The first time he was arrested for drunk driving, following a one-car accident, his blood-alcohol level was 0.11. I guess the first time he was caught and put on probation didn’t deter him from drinking even more the second time.

If you’re caught a third time, is it three strikes and you’re out?

We have enough problems on our highways, though, without bringing a two-time drunk driver here, and I’m worried that playing for the Dodgers might really drive him to drink.

On a positive note, and you can see I’m trying, maybe he found himself drinking in celebration because the Braves had advanced to the playoffs again, and with nothing to celebrate here he might be just fine.

I know this, things have to be looking up for Milton Bradley, since character is no longer a prerequisite to play for the Dodgers. It didn’t take the Boston Parking Lot Attendant long to change his mind on that one.

We’ve been told Frank McCourt met for dinner with Furcal and persuaded him to play for the Dodgers, although it’s a little surprising someone would have to beg a two-time drunk driver to take $13 million a year to get a fresh start in L.A.

I wonder if drinks were served.

Hopeful that things will turn around for the Dodgers, I’d like to think Bradley might even be good for Furcal. We know what Bradley thinks of drunks who throw beer bottles on the field; he might be just the person to persuade Furcal to control himself. Or else.

*

YOU THINK Kobe Bryant is going to notice the timing of Phil Jackson’s criticism of his shooting too much -- on the same night Shaquille O’Neal shows up for a Laker game?

For Bryant, who has a sensitive ear for criticism, that’s a double ouch, and it’ll be interesting to see whether he becomes a “facilitator” tonight against Milwaukee, passing rather than shooting -- to prove a point, as he has done in the past.

*

A COLISEUM official found it amusing the Dodgers were selling a pair of old seats in Dodger Stadium to fans for $250, “when they’re probably paying $110 for each new seat they are putting in.”

The Dodgers’ Tipper Gore P.R. Lady said the figure of $110 a seat “is probably not far off” from what the team is paying for the new seats.

I guess we know who is paying for the improvements in Dodger Stadium.

*

BRUIN RUNNING back coach Eric Bieniemy, on the UCLA-USC game, was quoted in The Times saying: “We didn’t come to play ...”

Apparently, like everyone else, they just came to watch Reggie Bush run around.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes from the Dodgers’ website:

“J.D. Drew visited Santa Ana’s ‘Operation Christmas Child’ processing center and helped assemble gift boxes.”

I’m happy to report he didn’t get hurt.

*

T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.