EIGHT JOKES

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. You can’t say that stuff anymore. You can’t even say Jesus anymore. You have to say “holiday infant.”-- JAY LENO

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To our Christian viewers, I want to say Merry Christmas. To our Jewish viewers, Happy Hanukkah. To our African American viewers, Happy Kwanzaa. To our viewers working at Wal-Mart, Feliz Navidad. -- LENO

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It’s so different out here in California. Instead of leaving milk and cookies for Santa, kids leave a soy latte and a biscotti. -- LENO

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President Bush is being criticized by Christian groups because his holiday cards don’t have the word “Christmas” in them. In response, the president said, “You try spelling it.”-- CONAN O’BRIEN

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They have some great gadgets this year for Christmas. I found a cellphone with caller ID, call waiting, text messaging and a flashing button that lets you know that President Bush is eavesdropping on your call.-- LENO

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More Americans are hiring professionals to come into their homes and put up their Christmas decorations for them. To make it even more realistic, for an extra 20 bucks, the decorator will curse and throw things while putting the tree up, just like your dad used to do.-- LENO

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Does it seem like the Christmas celebration begins earlier and earlier every year? It’s crazy. I’ll give you an example of what I am talking about. You know those beautiful Christmas decorations on Fifth Avenue? Those are for next year.

-- DAVID LETTERMAN

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President Bush lit the candles on the White House Menorah. There was an awkward moment because when Bush saw the Menorah he said, “Cool, a flaming rake.”-- O’BRIEN