Sooners Are Knocking on Civilization’s Door

I know how the people from Nebraska are into name-calling.

A few years back I did them a favor, warning Nebraska’s fans that if they all sat down at the same time in the Rose Bowl -- given no arms on the seats in the end zone and the number of women from Nebraska with big butts -- you could have the Cornhuskers at the end of each row falling off the end of the benches and on top of each other into the aisles.

Instead of thanking me for being so thoughtful, they e-mailed to call me names.

So I wasn’t surprised when I heard that Nebraska football Coach Bill Callahan had made national headlines this season by calling the fans from Oklahoma “ ... hillbillies.”

I don’t recall Callahan making many correct calls while with the Raiders, so I assumed he didn’t know what he was talking about, but just to make sure, I did some homework.

The first thing I did was spend time with some real hillbillies before meeting anyone from Oklahoma, joining Joe and Gene Wojciechowski, two knee-slapping hayseeds who went to the University of Tennessee, and Ivan Maisel, another slow-talking hick who grew up in Alabama.

I learned quickly that a hillbilly’s idea of a good New Year’s Eve is to find the only restaurant in town where there’s no line waiting. No cars in the parking lot either.

We went to a “raw fish bar” and the hillbillies ordered chicken wings, drank a lot of beer and spent much of the evening glued to the jukebox. They seemed real impressed with the indoor plumbing too. We were back at the hotel by 11, I presume so the hillbillies could watch Regis Philbin ring in the new year.

I wasn’t surprised, of course, when I joined the Sooners at media day Sunday, and found them to be almost high-society sophisticated in comparison with the folks I had been hanging around. I didn’t catch a one of them picking their teeth.

Oklahoma defensive lineman Lynn McGruder went so far as to say, “People in Oklahoma are real civilized. We have knives and forks and everything.”

After eating with the guy from Alabama, I would hope one day he’ll return home and get the chance to make the same boast.

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CALLAHAN APPARENTLY took exception to the Oklahoma fans who fired their shotguns during the game. Come on, do you think they would have let them get past the metal detectors if they hadn’t agreed beforehand to shoot only blanks?

Nebraska people sure are touchy.

Next season the Boomer Sooner Nation will be coming to the Rose Bowl to play the Bruins, and I’m pretty sure it will take more than a couple of shotgun blasts to get a rise out of Karl Dorrell.

In fact, from what I could tell, these people are nothing like the folks from Nebraska or the two brothers who went to Tennessee and the guy raised in Alabama. The Oklahomans seemed real normal, which might explain where the city got its name.

I’ve got to admit, though, I came here ready to make fun of the folks from Oklahoma, because that’s where Bum Garner, a.k.a. James Garner, was born, and I thought that might explain why he has been so cranky all these years.

But then Brad Pitt was born in Oklahoma, and for the record it didn’t seem to bother Jennifer Aniston.

I made a point Sunday of talking to folks who currently live in Oklahoma, and although admittedly they don’t have much excitement in their lives beyond the Sooners and catching a glimpse of Barry Switzer, they said they don’t feel deprived.

“We can go shopping,” said Ty Russell, a photographer for the Oklahoman and a former member of the OU student spirit group, the Ruf/Neks. “We can go down to Dallas and get some really good stuff.”

Quarterback coach Chuck Long, who grew up in Wheaton, Ill., as I did, said life is real good in Norman. He also said, “I loved living in Detroit while I was there too,” so I thought I’d better check with someone else.

Oklahoma linebacker Lance Mitchell, who grew up in California, said, “Take away all the people here today at this media session, and just sit and listen to the peace and quiet and you’ve got Norman. Now don’t get me wrong, you get a train coming through every now and then too.”

But when it’s time to play football, the population doubles in Norman, dressed in crimson and cream and singing: “Boomer Sooner ... I’m a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die, I’ll be Sooner dead.”

I guess that’s so no one mistakes them for being from Nebraska when they leave this earth. I can understand.

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I TOLD Long that USC quarterback Matt Leinart gets to hang around with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, and he said, “Well, our quarterback, Jason White, gets to hang around with Toby Keith.”

You would’ve been proud of me: I never mentioned Salma Hayek.

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USC SPORTS information director Tim Tessalone spent New Year’s Eve at Paris Hilton’s party on South Beach. Tessalone’s version of “The Simple Life.”

When I asked USC Coach Pete Carroll about it, he said, “She had called him, and already mentioned it.”

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CARROLL SAID the other day that he moved Matt Grootegoed from safety to linebacker because he wasn’t effective at safety, and he’d tell NFL scouts the same thing, which in effect probably will end Grootegoed’s NFL career before it starts because he lacks the size to be a linebacker in the pros.

When Grootegoed was asked about Carroll’s coaching approach later, he said, “It’s a better fit for the college game.”

It was a good comeback -- even though he didn’t mean to deliver it.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.