Married life on one hand and on the other

Ambivalence, a Love Story

Portrait of a Marriage

John Donatich

St. Martin’s Press: 224 pp., $23.95

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“Ambivalence, a Love Story: Portrait of a Marriage” is not the memoir of a man racked with indecision about his marriage or the arrival of his first child. For first-time author John Donatich, ambivalence is not the ubiquitous “fear of commitment” but the understanding that life is complicated and nuanced. Viewing his life through a prism of ambivalence, seeing at least two sides to every issue, he offers a tale of transition, examining key moments in his life in quietly intense, witty, yet careful prose. He rails against the notion that we can be known by our resumes and delights in unveiling the contradictions such summaries mask.

Donatich finds the steps toward fatherhood fraught with multiple meanings. Whether house hunting outside New York City, suffering through the pain and anxiety of miscarriages and depression or attending birthing classes, he conveys the difficulty of shaping a life that could transcend or at least not fully succumb to the suburban stereotype.

A few hours after his daughter’s birth, Donatich loses his job and the carefully constructed model of adult manhood -- a home owning, gainfully employed, doting father -- instantly evaporates. He spends his first months of fatherhood in the limbo of a Manhattan outplacement center -- those temporary homes for displaced executives who can look for new jobs or pretend they are while surfing the Internet. Unemployed and unhappy, he wanders through the streets of New York to a Zen canoeing retreat, all the while musing on the shifting definitions of manhood and the changing nature of the family. Although his touchstones might be familiar -- altar boy experiences, the preachings of Robert Bly, the economic transformation of the family -- his juxtapositions and questions feel fresh, even exhilarating.

We learn that he is the son of immigrants from Istria, a peninsula divided between Italy and Slovenia that has undergone many shifts of nationality. Their parental authority, lacking the ballast of geography and extended family, is easier for him to question. Identity, with all its inherent ambivalence, is up for grabs. Education often deepens the rift: The choices of children can be a mystery to parents. The shifting landscape makes it increasingly difficult to find a common language.

For Donatich, now the director of Yale University Press, ambivalence is a perfect lens through which to explore life: The pressure of relatives, attitudes toward children, sex, the accordion -- nothing can escape it. The book jacket tells us that “Ambivalence” is in many ways a response to “Food and Loathing,” a memoir by his wife, Betsy Lerner. There is little sense of back and forth between the two books, but together, for those of us who delight in piecing together disparate facts, they provide a more complete portrait of a marriage.

This has been a rough season for the ambivalent among us. At a time when notions of manhood are wrapped in flak helmets and jackets, it is a joy to read a book extolling life’s complexities (however unfashionable that may be). For at the heart of ambivalence is the acceptance of mysteries. With grace and seriousness, Donatich argues persuasively that having the answers is not necessarily the answer -- “we need to learn to act with moral strength that does not depend on moral certitude.” In times when certainty -- however misguided or wrong -- trumps all, this book, with its quiet emphasis on the impossibility of answers, is a perfect antidote.

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Naomi Glauberman is a contributor to Book Review and other publications.