Rivers team still roiling those red-carpet waters

What if they threw an awards show and nobody looked lousy?

“That’s our nightmare,” said Melissa Rivers. She and mom Joan had been haunting and taunting red-carpet walkers for the E! Channel since 1996, but now they’re working the rope line for the TV Guide Channel, starting Sunday at the Golden Globes. And as much as the Rivers women love the stars who get dolled up right -- Nicole Kidman, Debra Messing, Halle Berry come to mind -- they adore the ones who get it really wrong.

“You wait for Johnny Depp, God love him,” said Joan.

She and Melissa sat in an office at a satellite feed studio chatting, often filling each others’ sentences as they went along. “You want someone to come in with that insanity going, that smoked-out brain look,” Joan continued, referring to Depp’s somewhat disheveled outfit last year, complete with fedora. “He’s such a great actor, and he’s not stupid, he knows exactly what he’s doing when he puts on that moron hat and goes out. And good for him -- you remember him.”

Sadly, there aren’t as many fashion mistakes as there used to be. “The old days were great because they didn’t have stylists,” Joan said. “They would go to the stores and buy a dress,” Melissa continued. Joan again: “And a lot of them looked like trailer trash, and that was so refreshing.”

These days, stars are more wary of showing up in front of the paparazzi without being vetted from head to toe, probably in part for fear of getting picked apart by Joan and Melissa. Joan began: “Sarah Jessica Parker once said to me, ‘All right, get it over with, here are the shoes.’ Julia Roberts once -- “

” -- said, ‘Don’t say it to my back, say it to my face,’ ” Melissa jumped in.

And one year, Joan added, “Tim Robbins said, ‘Is this better?’ ”

But being a Rivers means never having to worry about finding something to talk about. “There’s always a Bjork, God love her,” Joan said, speaking of the Icelandic chanteuse who showed up to the Oscars one year in a dress that resembled a dead swan. “There’s always a Courtney Love who’s had one too many in the car perhaps.”

A bad look is often designed to leave a lasting impression. “Lara Flynn Boyle, I would say, is the smartest white woman in the history of the world,” Joan said. “The year she broke up with Jack Nicholson, she came dressed in that tutu. She made the front pages. He got maybe a two-inch picture.” But doesn’t it matter that she looked kind of, well, nuts? Not in the Rivers world. “She’s a very dear friend of mine,” said Melissa, who said Boyle told her, regarding the Golden Globes, “ ‘Hollywood Foreign Press. This is a press award. I won.’ ”

So what happens when other very dear friends walk the red gantlet to less than fabulous effect? Joan said, “You say, ‘Nice shoes.’ ” Melissa: “Good earrings. Love your hair color.” It’s a tough position to be in, but they are critics first and foremost, and have to tell it like it is -- gently if possible. Joan continued, “You have to say things like, ‘She didn’t look her best.’ ” Or, from Melissa, “Beautiful woman, beautiful dress, maybe not so beautiful together.”

They do leave some people in peace. Dates who are not public personalities themselves are off limits, as are child actors, as long as they dress like children. “With kids, the only time that we ever really say anything is when a 12-year-old shows up looking completely like a whore,” said Melissa, “and then you say, ‘That is completely age inappropriate.’ ”

And they don’t comment on looks that make the tabloids when stars are off the clock. Showing up for an awards show is one thing, Gymboree is another. Melissa, who has a 4-year-old son, tends toward sweats, ponytail and baseball cap when not working. But Joan is old-school. “I’m from the generation where you usually only saw a star once in your life, and they should look good,” she said, so she usually spends an hour on her hair and makeup before leaving the house.

They’re excited about their new three-year gig on the TV Guide Channel, which usually has a scrolling log of current programming but has started going full screen for special programming. (Star Jones Reynolds is replacing the Rivers duo on the red carpet for E!) “We’re the new fish,” Joan says. “It’s a new network, they’re letting us do anything. They haven’t learned yet, there’s no rules.”

So how do these fashion mavens view their own appearances? With their open use of plastic surgery as a means to prettier ends, is either Rivers ever satisfied with her looks? “No,” they replied in unison.

But they do believe that they can help make their audience feel better about themselves. When faced with gorgeous movie stars, Melissa said, “We’re the first ones to say, they’re not human. We’re talking about the one millionth of a percent of the top. So you really keep that perspective that this is not reality. These women are paid to look gorgeous and paid to go to the gym, and they do. And that’s what we want to see.”

Joan believes her allegiance is to the viewers on the couch, not to the stars, and that’s where it will stay. “I’ve never been A-list, so what? They’re not going to invite me to parties -- they never did anyhow.”