Learning curves

“And I’m never going back to my old school.”

-- Steely Dan

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Nothing creates as much excitement and fervor in my quaint little spider hole as the thrice-annual arrival of the UCLA Extension Catalog. It’s the mother of all adult-education course books: thick, bright, informative and filled with endless ways to part with $375. Plus parking.

But who am I kidding? I go through this every fall, winter and spring -- flipping through the pages, looking at all the cool classes I’ll probably never take.

The ritual starts weeks before the first class begins -- and doesn’t end until it’s way too late to enroll. That way, I get the thrill of carefully choosing my new classes without ever actually signing up.

It’s no wonder I once received an A in Advanced Procrastinating. I could probably teach that course. “OK, students, we begin at 7 p.m. sharp ... oh, what the heck, make it 8!”

As the catalog states: “UCLA Extension courses are open and accessible to everyone, regardless of previous levels of study.” Perfect. Because I haven’t studied since 1983 -- and even then it was all I could do to drag myself away from Ms. Pac-Man.

So what will (or won’t) it be this winter? Literature? Science? Philosophy? Having nearly mastered English, I settle on the Foreign Languages section. Why? The book says, “Los Angeles is one of the most diverse cities in the world, where we can easily hear half a dozen or more languages in the course of our day.” Our day? Please! I once counted seven during a busy lunch rush at Quiznos.

UCLA offers lots of language classes, including Elementary Modern Japanese (Mondays and Wednesdays, 7 to 9:30 p.m.) Uh-oh! How do you say, “I’m not driving all the way out to Westwood two nights a week” in Modern Japanese? That 405’s a nightmare in any language. What UCLA could really use is a course on How to Park Free.

A hundred or so pages later, I stumble across a writing class called the Art of Creative Nonfiction (Wednesdays 7-10 p.m.). Now this is more my speed. Oddly enough, my editor suggested I take this course “before it’s too late.” Not sure what he meant by that, but alas, it’s taught at the same time as the Japanese class I’m not likely to enroll in either.

Seriously, the last thing I need is a scheduling conflict.

UCLA’s not the only school in town, of course. You can find adult-education courses in all kinds of places -- from community colleges to neighborhood rec rooms. Yes, we see you in there, Mr. and Mrs. Intermediate Floral Arranging. Living in and around L.A. means you never have to leave school.

(Just think -- student discounts at movie theaters forever.)

If you’re up for something a bit more esoteric, don’t miss the always fun Learning Annex catalog. The Annex promises to “provide students with the tools they need to change careers, make more money, improve their relationships, empower their lives and support personal and spiritual growth.”

Wow! Goodbye, therapy.

You won’t find a lot of science or philosophy at the Annex, though. Instead, choose from the classes you wish you could have taken in college, courses such as the Art of Making Soap With Alicia Grosso. I’m especially intrigued by the description note: “Please bring latex gloves and eye protection.” No problem. I just purchased those exact items in the unlikely event I start dating again.

Another Annex offering: Make Sex More Exciting and Fun. Well, it’s about time someone tried to inject some sizzle into this dreary old chore. (Lesson 1: Just show up!) Might want to bring the gloves to this class too, just in case. And: How to Win at Texas Hold ‘Em Poker. Can you imagine going to school and gambling at the same time? We had a term for that when I was a student: “Cafeteria food.”

Chances are, your own hometown offers a wide range of classes. Check out Cha Cha (South Pasadena) or Chinese Social Ballroom Dancing (Irvine). Or, if you’re having trouble just making it out of bed in the morning: Get Up and Move! (Culver City). Those who pass move onto the more advanced level: Take a Shower, Get Dressed and Make Yourself a Bagel!

I admire anyone who’s into the self-improvement thing. Not easy to work a full day, walk the dog, feed the kids and then head out for a few hours of good old-fashioned learning.

Still, you have to admit, some of these courses do sound enticing. I mean, once upon a time, trudging off to school meant economics, sociology and physics.

Now it’s sex, cards and dancing. Finally, some skills you can use in the real world.

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Howard Leff can be reached at weekend@latimes.com.