Beginning a marriage as solid as a certain rock

Times Staff Writer

On paper, this particular couple had nothing in common -- he’s a pudgy-faced 58 from New York, twice divorced, with a smash-mouth brand of hairstyling that barks “Who’s your daddy?” She’s a high cheek-boned 34 from Slovenia, never been married and earns a living wearing clothes that purr “Who’s your mommy?”

But love conquers all, and in a ceremony that melted the icy walls around the worst cynic’s heart, Donald Trump and Melania Knauss were officially wed in balmy Florida this month.

Though it was an exclusive super A-list affair, The Times was able to piece together this rough timeline of the happy day’s notable events:

5:30 a.m. -- The bride-to-be awakes. After she submits to a retina, thumbprint and voice scan, the vault door opens. Her $1.5-million engagement ring, her “precious,” is still there!


5:33 a.m. -- The groom-to-be awakes. Pit crews swarm to begin the laborious work of propping up his hair.

6:49 a.m. -- Knauss listens to a voicemail left on her cellphone. Amid the loud cackling and choking laughter, only one statement is audible -- “Rip up the prenup!” (Voice analysis later reveals the identity of the callers as Ivana Trump and Marla Maples.)

7:17 a.m. -- Trump experiences a rare moment of panic -- something he’s felt only twice in his entire life -- as he wonders if his wife-to-be is marrying him for the “right reasons.”

7:22 a.m. -- In another rare moment of panic, Knauss suspects her “precious” might be a cubic zirconia.


8:29 a.m. -- A jewelry appraiser, flown in by private jet, puts the value of the engagement ring at $1.5 million to $1.75 million. All doubts fade. “Till death do us part,” she whispers to the ring.

11:49 a.m. -- Trump is notified of rumor that Angelina Jolie “might” attend.

12:12 p.m. -- Trump instructs wedding coordination staff that if Jolie shows, the Clintons are to be bumped to table 513, “you know, the loser table in the back with Barbara Walters and Star Jones.”

12:28 p.m. -- Trump’s hair shifts unexpectedly. A collapse seems imminent. As a safety precaution, the staff is ordered to evacuate.


1:37 p.m. -- Staff returns to work as geological experts certify that Trump’s ‘do is as stable as a California hillside.

2:01 p.m. -- Trump takes the recommended dosage of Levitra.

2:02 p.m. -- Trump takes twice the recommended dosage of Cialis.

4:47 p.m. -- Trump barges in to Knauss’ wedding suite and demands an autograph. “It looks legal. What’s this for?” she asks. “Oh, nothing,” he replies.


4:51 p.m. -- Trump has a glass of warm milk and naps.

5:15 p.m. -- A-list celebrities including David Letterman, Rudy Giuliani, Sean “P. Diddy” Combs, Clint Eastwood and Heidi Klum begin arriving at Palm Beach’s Episcopal Church of Bethesda-by-the-Sea.

5:48 p.m. -- In their final premarital fight, the couple argue over proper split for profits stemming from sales of “You’re Fired!” T-shirts.

6:03 p.m. -- Reverend’s salutary greetings interrupted by arrival of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Trump steps down and high-fives Pitt.


6:04 p.m. -- At reverend’s remark of “or forever hold your peace,” Star Jones rises to announce her divorce, denounce the institution of marriage and serve official notice she’s jumping back in the dating pool.

6:49 p.m. -- Clinton “accidentally” bumps into Jolie waiting for valet.

7:32 p.m. -- At the reception, Trump begins toast to himself, then dims the lights and rebroadcasts seasons one and two of “The Apprentice.”

9:32 p.m. -- Clinton and Jolie sneak out through an emergency exit.


9:48 p.m. -- Trump sneaks away for a power nap.

9:52 p.m. -- Knauss follows the snoring, finds Trump, takes the prenup from his jacket, and shreds it.

11:50 p.m. -- The couple are alone at last. But Knauss falls asleep cradling her precious by the time Trump is in his silk pajamas.

11:58 p.m. -- Trump can’t sleep. He calls Omarosa.