Jackson’s Future Is an Option Play

Why do you suppose Michael Jackson looked almost as unhappy leaving the Santa Maria courthouse with 10 acquittals in his pocket as he did when he walked in maybe 45 minutes earlier with 10 criminal charges over his head?

He’s a smart businessman; even in his relief, I expect he was scanning his options: What to do after an acquittal that arguably leaves him with fewer good choices than other people have after a conviction?

* The Arbuckle option: Slapstick master Roscoe Arbuckle -- “Fatty” to silent-film fans -- was tried three times and finally acquitted on charges of killing a “starlet” (the word had quote marks around it even then) during a weekend bender. Nonetheless, he was damaged goods. Even his run-of-the-mill eccentricities -- like an extra-big Pierce-Arrow to make him look daintier -- were marshaled as evidence of suspect character. He wound up directing two-reelers under the pseudonym Will B. Goodrich -- Will B. Good, get it? -- and later just William Goodrich.

And what of post-acquittal career prospects for Jackson, whose eccentricities tip over into the diagnostic? The now-what speculation is that the Jackson Five could reunite for a “family values” overseas tour. Or Jackson could play Vegas, if Vegas will have him.

Whatever his oddities, Jackson is immensely talented, and the ultimate Arbuckle incarnation would be offstage, off-mike -- as a music producer.

* The Colson option: Charles Colson was a Nixon White House lawyer who went to prison for his part in the Watergate crimes. There, he found Jesus and began a Christian counseling program. Jackson, unconfined, might practice his Jehovah’s Witness faith more publicly, as a gesture of sincerity. Answer your doorbell -- it might be Jackson with a copy of “The Watchtower.”

* The Martha Stewart option: Single glove or double oven mitts, both Stewart and Jackson have proclaimed their innocence. But Stewart’s was a victimless crime, and prison gave her a martyr’s garnish. Jackson stood accused of distasteful acts with boys; a couple of the jurors even believed he’d probably molested “somebody somewhere.... “

Stewart acknowledged that she came across as haughty and was not “the nicest person on Earth.” If Jackson’s stock is not to plunge further, he had better drop the “who, me?” hubris and listen to Jesse Jackson and Project Islamic Hope’s Najee Ali, who have said Jackson needs to wise up and get those boys out of his bedroom. As a Chicago Sun-Times headline read, “Congratulations, Michael, Now Please, Get Help.”

* The King Edward/Wallis Simpson option: Jackson could just beat it. Did you see all those French flags his fans were waving outside the courthouse? The land that welcomed an ex-king of England would surely welcome the exiled King of Pop. He could shed Neverland, saying it now has too many unhappy memories (not to mention unhappy cash flow) and hie himself off to Old Europe, where he is still popular in a way he has ceased to be here.

* The O.J. option: Not that we’re going to hear about Jackson pledging to find the real molester. Simpson’s acquittal put him back in the black -- into the embracing fold of African Americans. Jackson, whose mirror has been telling him that he is the fairest one of all, has for a long time been a stand-up guy at black entertainment events and has written checks to African causes. Jesse Jackson remarked that neither he nor the singer believed that the prosecution’s motives were racial. Yet, grandiosely, Jackson’s website ranks his acquittal date among such historic events as “Martin Luther King is born” and “Nelson Mandela is freed.”

* The Donna Rice/Monica Lewinsky option: The woman in Gary Hart’s lap and the woman who fiddled with Bill Clinton’s lap both managed to cash in on infamy. Rice endorsed “No Excuses” jeans, and Lewinsky became a poster girl for Jenny Craig. Don’t go naked waiting for a Jackson clothing line (prep schools already have a lock on that blazer-and-badge thing), nor for a Jackson “Jesus Juice” bottled beverage. But there is that African animal theme park notion. He’s already got the livestock.

* The last-stop option: If ever you hear a voice saying “Michael Jackson to block,” you’ll know that Jackson’s star is truly in eclipse, for he will have moved from Neverland to Never, Ever Again Land: “The Hollywood Squares.”