Thanks, but they won’t be needing a toaster

There have been some strange royal weddings in British history: Henry VIII dumped his first wife and the Catholic Church to marry his pregnant sweetheart, Anne Boleyn; the Prince of Wales, the future George IV, illegally married his Roman Catholic squeeze Maria Fitzherbert (in a secret ceremony in debtors prison, so one story goes).

On April 8, another Prince of Wales, a divorced man, Charles Philip Arthur George Windsor, and the likewise divorced Camilla Rosemary Shand Parker Bowles, will marry in a City Hall ceremony across the road from Windsor Castle, nearly 35 years after they first met on a polo field not far away.

It has been reported in the English press that Charles’ elder son, William, and Camilla’s son, Tom Parker Bowles, will serve as witnesses. Princes Andrew and Edward will be in attendance as will Charles’ sister, Princess Anne, and a host of other dignitaries and a few celebrities. Expected to be conspicuously absent from the proceedings is Queen Elizabeth.

The queen’s official reason for not attending is to keep the wedding low key, but there’s a wink-and-nudge tone to much of the reporting here that implies the queen finds the whole thing tacky.

Add to that snub the latest rumblings over the prospect of a Queen Camilla, as the British government has declared her title will be -- despite Charles’ declarations to the contrary -- once he ascends the throne. It’s enough to make Americans give up their favorite soap operas in favor of “As the Royals Turn.”

For those just tuning in, here’s a guide to the goings-on.

Question: So what’s the deal with her title? Will Camilla become queen or not?

Answer: Prince Charles’ office insists Camilla will be known only as princess consort, but the British government says that no matter what she’s called, she will by law become queen automatically when Charles becomes king. Trying to undo that would require a new law in Britain and changes in the laws of 15 Commonwealth nations.

Q: After their marriage, why will Camilla become the Duchess of Cornwall and not the Princess of Wales, since Charles is Prince of Wales?

A: Princess of Wales is too closely identified with Princess Diana. Charles is aware he’s already infuriating Diana-lovers by getting remarried, so the next woman to be Princess of Wales will likely be Prince William’s wife.

Charles became Duke of Cornwall at age 4 when his mother became queen. His mother made him Prince of Wales at 9. The Duchy of Cornwall title was created in 1337 for the ruler’s eldest son, so every wife of a Prince of Wales since then has automatically become Duchess of Cornwall too.

While Prince of Wales is a fabulous title, it’s the Duchy of Cornwall that pays the bills, to the tune of about 6 million pounds a year, on which Charles pays 40% taxes. If and when Charles becomes king, he says Camilla will become Her Royal Highness the Princess Consort -- a title unprecedented in memory in England. When a wife doesn’t assume her husband’s status, it’s called a morganatic marriage, and it just isn’t done in Britain.

Charles’ website is a bit precious on the subject: “It is intended,” it says, “that Mrs. Parker Bowles should use the title HRH the Princess Consort when the Prince of Wales accedes to the throne,” which is like Condi Rice saying she doesn’t intend to run for president.

In 1936, King Edward VIII wanted to marry a twice-divorced American, Wallis Simpson, and make her queen, empress, “the whole bag of tricks,” he said. The government and empire spiked that. He tried to compromise on a morganatic marriage, in which she would not become queen, but it didn’t wash, and Edward swapped the throne for Wallis.

Q: What does he see in her?

A: Everything that matters to him: She is consistently described as mature, solid, unflappable, witty, down-to-earth. And still blond.

Beauty is famously skin deep, and the beautiful Diana was famously thin-skinned. Camilla is neither beautiful nor chic -- her checkbooks would probably show she spends more on hunting horses than on grooming, unlike the expensively glamorous Diana. She also doesn’t upstage Charles publicly -- either inadvertently, as the charismatic and lovely Diana did at first, or deliberately, as Diana did later. Like the time he began playing cello and she sat down at the piano and began to play too ... and it wasn’t a duet.

Camilla, much more old-fashioned, puts Charles first; in their famous 1989 taped phone exchange, the one with references to trousers and feminine products, he tells her that her “great achievement is to love” him, and she says, “My role in life is to support you and love you.”

Charles and Camilla had been friends and off-and-on lovers since they met, sharing love of the countryside, hunting and gardening -- and a certain sense of humor. When she learned that Diana was referring to her as “the Rottweiler,” Camilla began answering her phone, “Rottweiler here.”

Q: So this is love at, what, ninth sight?

A: They met in 1970 at a polo match. There’s a photo of them together, he in polo kit and she looking gamine in polo shirt and jeans. Both were rather smitten, but Charles went off to a naval career and to an agricultural sideline of sowing wild oats, and Camilla married Andrew Parker Bowles, who has held among other titles Silver Stick in Waiting to the Queen, the commanding officer of the royal Household Cavalry.

This is such a tight social circle that Andrew Parker Bowles’ godmother was Charles’ grandmother, the late Queen Mother, and Parker Bowles himself sometimes dated Charles’ sister, Anne. Charles is godfather to Camilla’s son, Thomas -- and will soon be his stepfather.

Camilla’s great-grandmother, the charming and discreet Alice Keppel, was the last mistress of Charles’ great-great grandfather, Edward VII. When Camilla and Charles met, she supposedly said, “My great-grandmother was your great-great-grandfather’s mistress, so how about it?”

Q: Why aren’t they having a church wedding?

A: For a church that was founded on Henry VIII’s divorce, the Church of England is pretty sniffy on the subject. Basically, it discourages church remarriages for divorced people with living spouses -- especially when the new happy couple figured in the breakup of the old happy couple, as was the case here. Charles could press the issue, but the bad PR wouldn’t be worth it.

His divorced sister, Anne, remarried in the Church of Scotland, which is more broad-minded about this. Charles and Camilla might have considered this option too, but since he is to be head of the Church of England, it would have been like the CEO of Vons shopping at Ralphs.

Q: Where are they getting married? What’s wrong with Vegas?

A: Vegas would be a lot easier, if not cheaper. This civil wedding costs $500, plus an extra $38 for getting married on a Friday.

For a family that rehearses its own funerals to the last salute, this royal wedding has been a tragicomedy of errors. They’ll be married in Guildhall in Windsor, the town’s City Hall. Charles had wanted to be wed across the road at Windsor Castle, but a legal scholar turned up an obscure law that says when a civil ceremony is held anyplace but an already designated spot, like a Guildhall, it automatically opens that place to the public for weddings. The queen wouldn’t go there. The same legal scholar argued that it’s illegal for royals to get married anywhere but in a church. Don’t look for this man to be getting a knighthood. The Lord Chancellor stepped in and assured everyone that it’s legal, but some scholars still have their doubts.

Q: Is there a pre-nup?

A: No one’s saying, but royals practically invented pre-nuptial agreements. Prince marrying princess always meant exchanging land and dowries and treaties. Charles will probably settle a nice sum on Camilla in case he dies before she does; already he’s reported to have set up a trust for her two adult children -- who don’t become royal and can’t inherit anything.

After her marriage, Camilla will no doubt get some trinkets from the queen’s trove of jewels, as Diana did -- starting with a decent tiara, for goodness’ sake -- but it all stays in the family.

Q: How about her ring?

A: Luckily for Charles, who has a reputation for keeping his hands in his pockets around big price tags, Camilla’s platinum and diamond Art Deco engagement ring is an heirloom that didn’t cost anything. With an emerald-cut center stone rumored to be 8 carats, and six flanking baguettes, it has the added sentimental value of having belonged to the queen mother, supposedly a gift from her husband when she was pregnant with the present queen.

And for the record, Diana’s sapphire and diamond engagement ring was new, so Charles had to dig deep for that.

Q: Are they registered at Pottery Barn?

A: They say no gifts, but they are getting a poem written in their honor by the poet laureate; a set of stamps of them whose design will be personally approved by Queen Elizabeth; and, after the wedding, Camilla, as the Duchess of Cornwall, will be prayed for by every Church of England congregation, which already blesses the queen, her husband and Charles.

Perhaps the best gift is precedence: Camilla will be a royal duchess and therefore a princess, the second-ranking woman in the land, and every Briton but the queen will have to bow or curtsy to her -- including her ex-husband. This will be sweet revenge for Charles, who got tired of seeing his girl dissed. She was once pelted with rolls in a supermarket not long after his marriage to Diana went “pfft.”

In November, the Times of London reported that organizers of a grand society wedding moved Camilla from a seat right behind the queen to the back of the church. Charles was so furious, he refused to attend. A month later, the paper said, wedding plans began in earnest.

Q: Can I watch?

A: Not the wedding. That won’t be televised, but the blessing -- across the road in St. George’s Chapel in Windsor -- will be. The 45-minute ceremony will be led by Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams. On the guest list are Prince Felipe, Spain’s crown prince; Norway’s Crown Prince Haakon; Barry Humphries, a.k.a. Dame Edna; actor Rowan Atkinson; and Prime Minister Tony Blair and wife Cherie.

After the ceremony and the blessing, about 700 people are invited to the reception hosted by Queen Elizabeth.

Q: How come a king’s wife is automatically a queen, but a queen’s husband isn’t automatically a king? Like the queen’s husband, poor Prince Philip?

A: In Britain, a king is always a king regnant, meaning the real monarch, not the arm candy. This queen, like the first Elizabeth, inherited the throne from her father, the king, and so she is queen regnant. A woman who marries a king is only queen consort, not queen regnant.

But because in royalty (unlike chess), a king outranks a queen, nobody wants the queen regnant to be outranked by some guy she happens to marry. When the queen regnant tries to make nice and make her husband king, bad things can happen. The worst example was Mary, Queen of Scots, who elevated her mere nobleman of a husband, Henry Darnley, to the throne. He got so uppity that the only way the Scots could get rid of him was to dynamite the house in which he was staying.