L.A. Could Be in Store for Quite a Saintly Presence

As if the folks at LAX don’t have enough to worry about, it appears now security is going to have to be on the outlook for the Whizzinator beginning in 2008, but possibly as early as next year.

Like it or not, the NFL is on track to finally return, an attorney for the Saints this week saying the team could be on the move next year, already has an offer from someone in L.A., and ask yourself -- will you wear a bag over your head?

(If anyone needs bags, paper or plastic, I know the guy to get them.)

Security at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, apparently already trained to spot such things because they have an NFL team, caught Viking running back Onterrio Smith with a Whizzinator in his bag along with a bunch of white powder.

You’d think if a football player were caught with white powder, it’d be something like cocaine, but that’s how long we’ve been away from the NFL. I would never have guessed drug-free dehydrated urine.

It’s easy to explain what a Whizzinator looks like, but just not in the newspaper, although I can tell you it costs $150, comes in a variety of colors and has drawn rave reviews from happy drug users.

“I have to test while being observed,” wrote Robin B, VA in a testimonial, “and not only was it undetectable, but I passed with flying colors.”

And you thought the freeways weren’t safe now; wait until you get a bunch of NFL players, flying high, ah, passing tests with flying colors.

“Before I used it, I was a low paid animation consultant,” wrote Matt G. “Now I head up the same company and do some great work for the public.”

Just think, the future mayor of L.A. could very well one day be a former Saint, saved by the Whizzinator, who retires to do great work for the public.

*

THIS YEAR is going to be really annoying, the NFL and L.A. haggling over term sheets, setting deadlines and then extending them, making it a boring replay of L.A.’s last attempt to secure a team -- only this time it’s a done deal.

The NFL will return to the Coliseum, a brand-spanking new Coliseum with all the bells and whistles designed to run up the price of tickets. The city of L.A., meanwhile, is not projected to pay anything in public money.

The look on the collective faces of NFL owners when they sign that check to build a new stadium in L.A. -- the thought crossing Georgia’s mind that could mean one fewer shopping trip -- will be priceless too.

“Not even for infrastructure or hidden costs somewhere?” I asked Coliseum GM Pat Lynch, the point man in negotiations with the NFL.

“Nothing,” Lynch said. “None of the plans we’re making have anything for free. Some cities have waived some things, but the NFL pays for everything here.”

The Rose Bowl, Carson and Anaheim are making pitches for NFL attention. All a waste of time. Anaheim, which will still be used by the Chargers to get a deal in San Diego, hired USC professor David Carter to study all the sites and pick a winner.

(Three years ago Carter was quoted in The Times, talking about a similar survey paid for the NFL and conducted by Max Muhleman, the best in the business, saying, “(Muhleman) is a reputable firm, but you look at who’s paying for the study and the results are not that surprising.”)

Carter chose Anaheim as the winner, but then if you look at who’s paying for the study and the results are not surprising.

*

WE’RE LOOKING at the Cleveland deal here in L.A., the NFL following the same plan it used to build a new stadium there after the team moved to Baltimore.

Cleveland, getting financial help from the NFL, began construction on a new stadium without knowing who would be playing in it. I’m told the new building will have alarms in case the Raiders attempt to move in.

The Saints remain the favorites -- the first time they’ve been favorites in anything for a long time. They have a 90-day window to leave after the 2005 season, while paying an $81-million penalty, but if they don’t go, the team must stay in New Orleans until 2010. Why would anyone want to stay in New Orleans for more than a weekend?

“In my opinion we’ll be playing football in the [new] Coliseum in 2008 or 2009 -- most likely 2009,” Lynch said.

I guess that’s good news for anyone who is four or five years away from starting a career in drug counseling or drug enforcement.

*

THEY TRIED the Lotto before turning to fellow Long Beach police officers Mark Bigel and Dave Konkoly and asking them to use their horse racing expertise on the Kentucky Derby.

Bigel and Konkoly, taking $5 each from their police officer pals, turned a pool of $150 into a winning trifecta ticket worth $133,134.80 -- divided by 30.

“The winning ticket is locked in the police department,” Bigel said. “We’re just waiting until we can all go to Hollywood Park and cash it together.”

When Rick Baedecker, the president of Hollywood Park, heard that, he invited the 30 police officers to be his guests in the Director’s Room on Sunday and take a bow in the winner’s circle.

By the way, Bigel and Konkoly used a “hot tip” they’ve developed in picking the Derby winner. I’ll let you know next year after I’ve tried it -- if it works.

*

JERRY and JEANIE BUSS will be on the father/daughter gabfest Sunday at 9 a.m. on 570. I’m going to suggest a father-to-father wager for the benefit of charity in the name of the daughter who gets married first.

*

WHAT A surprise to learn the Dodgers aren’t as good as the Cardinals. Next, the Braves.

*

I SEE where Frank McCourt has done a fine job trading in a number of loans for one big one. (If he was really good, he’d have found a way to borrow a third baseman who can hit.)

Baseball fans, though, had to be thrilled this morning to read this new arrangement “gives [The Boston Parking Lot Attendant] a strong incentive to stay on as owner” of the Dodgers. Speaking as a Page 2 columnist, I know I’m thrilled.

T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.