Nachos with those nuptials?

HOW weddings would differ, if you knew then what you know now:

1. Instead of a corsage, the groom would wear a lie detector.

2. Instead of a bouquet, the bride would carry a six-pack.

3. Each side would be represented by an attorney.

4. The groom’s future income could be raised as an issue.

5. The bride’s credit card balance would flash electronically on a scoreboard behind the altar.

6. Any past flings, divorces, felonies or fetishes would have to be fully explained.

7. Ex-wives could testify.

8. The ceremony would include specific language regarding future children: how many, who’ll help with homework, do they get to stay in the house, etc.

9. The “in sickness and in health” part would be amended to add, “If I’m up for it that day.”

10. Instead of “I do,” the bride and groom would respond, “I already have.”

11. At some point, the minister would turn to the groom and say, “You know, this is the least she’s ever gonna weigh.”

12. At some point, the minister would tell the bride, “You know, this is the most hair he’ll ever have -- not including his ears, neck and back.”

13. There’d be a bartender on duty.

14. And free nachos.

15. In the presence of everyone, the groom would be required to:

a) Change a diaper

b) Fix a faucet

c) Name his new bride’s favorite department store

16. In the presence of everyone, the bride would be required to:

a) Boil water

b) Change a lightbulb

c) Name her new husband’s favorite Bond girl

17. In a pre-ceremony formality, the groom would have to “divorce” his best buddies and swear off cigars -- at least till tomorrow.

18. The groom’s mother would promise never to start a sentence with the words, “That little chippy ... “

19. Instead of a photographer, there’d be a masseuse.

20. Hawaiian shirts would replace tuxedoes.

21. The bridesmaids would perform a skit.

22. There’d be a halftime, so each party could adjust to what the other side is doing.

23. All brides would wear white -- with black armbands.

24. The groom would wear his favorite team jersey.

25. The guests would hold a pool on whether anybody in the wedding party is pregnant.

26. The bride would announce that, henceforth, all domestic chores would be decided by a coin flip.

27. The bride’s side of the church would respond by doing the wave.

28. Instead of rings, the bride and groom would exchange something more meaningful: life insurance policies.

29.. The groom could bring his dog.

30. After several martinis, the groom would be required to assemble a child’s toy wagon as if it were midnight Christmas Eve.

31. On the spot, the bride would be required to balance a checkbook.

32. Baseball cards would be deemed an acceptable wedding gift.

33. If you pass out, the minister would perform a 10-count.

34. Instead of “you may now kiss the bride,” the minister would say, “OK, pal, go for it.”

35. The minister would end the ceremony with: “I just hope you two know what you’re getting into.”

36. When it is over, the organist would play: Ta-da-da-daaaa, ta-daaaaaaaaa, like at the ballpark, and the guests would all yell “Charge!”

37. Instead of rice or birdseed, the guests would toss blank checks and birth control devices.

38. A 30-day lemon law would apply.

Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine@latimes.com.