Please Don’t Leave Me, Arnold!

I count myself a pretty lucky guy. I’ve got a wonderful wife and three kids, all of my teeth, and I live in a state that’s a shooting gallery for a newspaper columnist.

And yet, like a spoiled little boy, I’m never satisfied. In fact, I slipped into a funk in April when Maria Shriver appeared on Oprah and uttered words that had me feeling lower than fish tank gravel.

“I want him back home,” Maria said.

I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Was it ending just like that? A mere three years of bluster and brag, and my free ride would be over?

Don’t worry, one wag told me. The worse things get for Gov. Schwarzenegger, who rose like a rocket and then crashed like a ton of dumbbells, the more likely he’ll run again. The man is half ego and half testosterone; he can’t help himself.

The wag may have been right. Schwarzenegger aides say we can expect an announcement on the governor’s reelection plans today when he visits San Diego for another staged event with theatrical props and handpicked cheerleaders. Although the aides wouldn’t say which way Arnold is leaning, their boss’ comments during an appearance in Clovis Wednesday made it sound like my prayers have been answered.

“I’m not in this just for the short term,” he said. “I believe very strongly in follow-through.”

My only fear is that Schwarzenegger has shot himself in the foot so many times, he may end up as road kill on the campaign trail. A recent poll found that 57% of California voters were not inclined to give him another chance, having grown tired of an act that includes beating up on the likes of teachers and nurses.

Arnold, if indeed he runs again, needs a victory plan, and I can help. If he works with me -- instead of ignoring my advice, which has gotten him into the mess he’s in -- he’ll crush weasels like Phil Angelides, Steve Westly, Warren Beatty, Antonio Villaraigosa and even Mary Carey.

Step One, Arnold: Stop using the term “special interests.” I’ve told you this before, but it doesn’t seem to sink in.

Did you see the movie “Lost in America,” where Julie Haggerty loses the family nest egg at a Las Vegas craps table and Albert Brooks tells her to never again use the words “nest” or “egg”? That’s how you have to think of “special interests,” governor. Don’t say “special” and don’t say “interests” ever again. If you have a nice night on the town with Maria, it was super or fantastic, not special.

Why? Because special interests is not a topic you should be drawing attention to. Sure, you clobbered that pipsqueak Gray Davis for selling out to special interests. But since then, you’ve become the Mr. Universe of special-interest fundraising.

Speaking of hypocrisy, how can you veto a same-sex marriage bill by saying you have no choice but to respect the will of the people who voted for Proposition 22 in 2000, and at the same time subvert the will of the people by trying to pay public schools less than they were guaranteed by passage of Proposition 98 in 1988?

It doesn’t look good, Arnold, especially after climbing into politics on the backs of children with that after-school program that never amounted to anything. It’s almost as bad as coming out against borrowing, and then setting records for borrowing.

I was tempted to tell you to quit beating up on Democratic legislators. It seems hypocritical for someone who once promised to work across party lines to reform California. But the more I thought about it, I realized that if I were in your shoes I’d keep snapping towels at legislators too. This past legislative session was a washout, largely because those flyweights were too busy plotting your demise to get anything else done.

I do think you ought to apologize to the nurses, cops and firefighters, though. They’re not the villains you made them out to be.

And another thing: Keep relying on your three greatest skills.

Fundraising, fundraising, fundraising.

That’s right, Big Boy. Keep panhandling like there’s no tomorrow (so long as you remember not to utter those two verboten words). Announcing your reelection now makes perfect sense, because with so many legislative bills awaiting your approval, the cash will flow from both sides on every issue. You know that $55 million raised by you and the committees under your control? It’ll look like chump change if you play your cards right.

The $9 million you’ve collected from real estate and development interests isn’t bad, nor is the $7.6 million from financial and investment firms, but there’s plenty of room for improvement. What’s the point of being a lackey for the state Chamber of Commerce if you can’t reach ever deeper into the pockets of companies that have business before the state?

I’m talking about healthcare, agriculture, technology. They’ve forked over millions, I know, but there’s more where that came from. And I certainly don’t mean to embarrass you, Arnold, but you’ve raised only $2.9 million from the entertainment industry. Didn’t you make any more friends than that in all those years of playing a barbarian and a cyborg?

I realize you’re not a shoo-in this time; nor is your reform agenda on the November ballot sure to pass. You must be worried how it’ll look if you get dumped by the very voters who were so star-struck by you a short time ago.

Three words of advice, Arnold, and I’ve said this to you before:

Read Maria’s book.

Did you know that “fear can be your best teacher,” or that it’s possible to “learn from your mistakes,” to mention just two kernels of wisdom in Maria’s 62-page bestseller?

She may want you back home, but as you said, the job in Sacramento is far from done. And I love you more than she does.

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Reach the columnist at steve.lopez@latimes.com and read previous columns at latimes.com/lopez.