All Angels Needed Were Words of Encouragement

I came down hard on the Angels a few days ago, telling the guys they reminded me of the Dodgers, which is the nastiest thing I could think of saying.

I said it looked as if they were this year’s version of the Choking Dogs, poked fun at Chone Figgins for being a klutz in center, while noting the kids at the children’s hospital were worried how Steve Finley was doing. I mocked Bengie Molina for his lack of speed, convinced that if I unleashed my pet rock, it’d beat him in a race. I listened to Jarrod Washburn explain how he assembled his fantasy football team -- obviously using Bill Stoneman as his advisor. Did I mention that Washburn’s team is short on big playmakers and is 0-2?

It worked. After bagging on the Angels they responded by winning four consecutive games.

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THEN MY daughter called. Well, it was really the operator and I said I would accept the charges.

I knew she had spent the weekend walking the streets of San Diego. As you know, Miss Radio Personality is looking for a husband, so she walked 50 miles to raise money for charity while taking the family’s advice to wave at any guy driving by.

(The big family concern is the granddaughter will start dating before Miss Radio Personality.)

The daughter said she now has to wear flip-flops because of blisters and bandages on every toe, and while I tried to explain to her it’s no disgrace to finish last in a charity walk, she said the pain would keep her from bowling Tuesday night.

I tried to keep the conversation upbeat, never mentioning that it’s finally a good thing she has no reason to go dancing, but asking what kind of average she was carrying in her bowling league.

“A 49,” she said.

I already have one daughter married to a Grocery Store Bagger, and while I’m not opposed to setting another Thanksgiving plate for someone wearing a bowling shirt with “Bob’s Plumbing” stitched to the back, I immediately thought of the Angels, and some of the harsh things I’ve written.

How could I ridicule Figgins for being a klutz and Molina for moon walking to first if my own daughter took after her mother and had a bowling average of 49?

In the interest of fair disclosure, I came clean with Molina before Wednesday night’s game, and he said, “I don’t want to talk to you.”

I was afraid of that -- once word got out that I had a kid with all the athletic ability of an accountant.

I tried pressing Molina, but he said, “You picked the wrong day.”

I sought clarification from the team’s PR guy, who checked with Molina. I was told every day is actually the wrong day because the media has criticized him for his lack of speed, and while slow to grasp the obvious, Molina has now chosen “to take a step back.”

Great, so now he’s not only slow, but going backward, and here I am with a daughter who couldn’t even beat him in a race -- wondering if I have any right to slam the human glacier.

And so I backed off. I informed Erstad, Kennedy, Shields and most of the Angels before the game I’d be going easier on them from now on, and spending more time at home making fun of the daughter.

“No, you’ve got to keep giving it to us,” Shields said.

“You’re a part of the team now,” Kennedy said, while Erstad added, “It’s what you do best; you need to keep on us.”

Well, if they insist ... and that’s now five in row -- without gagging, and even a double from Finley.

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TOM LASORDA was in the Los Angeles Angels’ dugout before the game. Time to think red.

“Hey, all my guys are here,” he explained, and I wouldn’t want to claim any of those guys playing against Arizona right now either. “Come on now, don’t bury me. I just stopped by to say hello.”

I asked him if Jim Tracy would be back as manager, Paul DePodesta back as general manager and Milton Bradley as the team’s resident hothead, and Lasorda remained speechless -- not that I’m complaining.

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AT THIS year’s Professional Baseball Scouts Foundation dinner at the Beverly Hilton (Dec. 17), the brainchild of Dennis Gilbert, a new annual award in Lasorda’s name will be presented to the manager selected by Lasorda deserving of recognition.

I think it will be kind of funny if Scioscia -- tossed aside by the Dodgers when it came time to hiring a manager -- wins the first Lasorda award.

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THE PADRES’ magic number to eliminate the Dodgers and certify Frank McCourt

& DePodesta officially clueless is three -- something to look forward to during this weekend’s series with Pittsburgh.

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SOMETHING CALLED collegefootballnews.com just came out with their bowl projections. The CFN projection for the national championship game in the Rose Bowl on Jan. 4 is LSU versus USC, which I guess means CFN has USC beating UCLA this season.

As for the Bruins, CFN has them playing Minnesota in the Sun Bowl in El Paso, which hardly makes it worth it to play out the rest of the season.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from DeAndre Calhoun:

“How dare you? I almost threw up at (your suggestion) that Barry Bonds, the greatest hitter of our time, play for the Dodgers -- stepping out of the box while goofy Dodger fans tossed beach balls on the field. Ugh, utterly disgusting.”

Think of them as baseballs on steroids ... the fans’ way of making him feel comfortable.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.