‘And Friday, Mel will be opening for Jackie Mason at Harrah’s’

JAY LENO: Our first guest tonight is an Oscar-winning actor and director. Please welcome Mr. Mel Gibson.

(Applause as Mel walks out,

waves, shakes Jay’s hand and sits)

Jay: Thanks for being here.

Mel: Thank you for having me.

Jay: That’s an interesting suit you’re wearing. What is that, like, an old prison uniform?

Mel: That’s right. This is a replica of a uniform worn by inmates at Auschwitz.

Jay: Auschwitz. Like, the concentration camp in Poland during World War II.

Mel: That’s right.

Jay: Huh.

(Pause)

Jay: And why ... why are you wearing that?

Mel: Solidarity.

Jay: I see. With ... with whom?

Mel: With Jews. Jewish people everywhere.

(Pause)

Jay: Later in the show, Shakira will be here. And a guy -- how nutty is this? -- a guy who can burp the Declaration of Independence.

(Applause)

Jay: So you made a movie about Jesus a while back. That caused a lot of controversy.

Mel: It did, yes.

Jay: Now what was that all about?

Mel: Well, I had said some things, some unwise things in hindsight, criticizing people of the Jewish religion, historically, for their involvement -- possible involvement -- with the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, which, now, I do not believe they had anything to do with that unfortunate event. In fact, Christ was Jewish.

Jay: Interesting guy Jesus. I would’ve liked to have had him on the show. I bet he’d have been interesting on “JayWalking.” He-he.

(Audience laughs, applauds)

Jay: Hey, how ‘bout Mitt Romney. Governor of Massachusetts. A Mormon. Anyway, they say he’s going to run for president. Used the phrase “tar baby” at a Republican fundraiser in Iowa. Tar baby. Said he didn’t know it was a racial slur.

(Audience laughs, applauds)

Mel: Sometimes people can say things they don’t mean. A thing happens in the brain, or a medication not prescribed to you kicks in, or you’re listening to a book on tape in Aramaic over and over and over and can’t quite get the sound out of your head, or a word, a phrase begins to take on meaning of tremendous importance, a signal perhaps, a sign to act upon a thing, to do something. Nose hair, nose hair, nose hair. And your sense of what’s real, in terms of the physical world ... I mean, just moments before you’re saying nothing to a friend, you’re saying, you’re laughing and saying, for example, “Did you know that tests on bowls of peanuts in bars routinely show high levels of fecal coliform?” and then in the next moment, you’re trying to take your pants off over your head or make a car go sideways or believe that the dot above the lower-case letter “i” is a camera. Or say something about Jewish people.

(Long, awkward pause,

audience silent)

Jay: Shakira is here. She’ll be singing from an as-yet-unreleased album, “That Bitch Is a Whore and I Wish She Was Dead.”

(Applause)

Jay: You get away for the summer at all? Take the family anywhere?

Mel: We’re leaving for Jerusalem tonight.

Jay: Jerusalem. Like, the one in Israel?

Mel: That’s right.

Jay: Now, why’s that?

Mel: I’m converting to Judaism.

Jay: Wow. Now, I thought you were a pretty staunch Catholic.

Mel: I was. But not anymore.

Jay: You leave from LAX or Burbank for a trip like that?

Mel: LAX.

Jay: So listen. I gotta ask you something. If I’m hearing correctly, you were in a bit of a thing with the police not that long ago.

(Audience laughs, applauds)

Mel: Yes, Jay. Yes, I was.

Jay: Now, Mel, I’ve known you for a lot of years. So I have to ask you: Do you dislike Jews?

Mel: Lo. That’s Hebrew for “no.” I love Jews.

Jay: But, see, I’m confused because you said -- I mean, I think you said some, like, ya know, anti-Semitic things to that police officer, who, as it turned out, was Jewish.

Mel: Yes. Officer Mee. I have no excuse. Except I was drunk. And had just licked a tab of acid. And I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome. And ... look, there’s no excuse for saying what I said....

Jay: “Dirty Jew” ...

Mel: “... cheap yid” ... yes, whatever.

Jay: “They run Hollywood.” ... “They run the banks....

Mel: Exactly. Except I don’t believe that. And to prove that, I’ve legally adopted Officer Mee as my son.

(Audience gasps, applauds)

Jay: So you’re not an anti-Semite. That’s great. How ‘bout that new Johnny Depp movie. Lotta fun.

Mel: No, Jay. I’m simply a pro-Jewish anti-Semite.

Jay: I don’t understand.

Mel: Catholicism and Judaism are weirdly similar. When practiced correctly, both make you feel horrible about yourself. As a Jew -- like when I was Catholic -- I want to be able to say horrible things about myself and my fellow Jews and still know I love me and them.

Jay: So you’re saying you’re doing this for Jews?

Mel: That’s right.

Jay: Mel Gibson, ladies and gentlemen.

Mel: Todah, Jay.

(Huge applause)