My TV made me buy it!

AT 2 a.m., I just can’t get enough of quick ‘n’ easy gadgets that will change the way I cook forever! Especially when -- if I take advantage of this special TV offer right now -- they throw in plus-you-get after marvelous plus-you-get.

I never order any of these gadgets, but I always kick myself for it, because one of them might have included (as a free bonus to me, a $20 value!) the fabulous 6-in-1 Kitchen Wizard, which seems to be a pair of serving tongs you can use as a whisk. Wow!

What they all have in common is a design twist that promises miracles: It will save you time, space and effort, slash your food bills, eliminate the need for cleanup forever and replace dozens of other utensils! And at 2 a.m., I’m suggestible. The more I watch, the more I wonder why this gizmo is “not available in stores.” What on earth is wrong with stores? Why aren’t those fools on board?

Late one night I decided to go ahead and order some of these miracle products, so I wrote down the phone numbers and started calling. After a couple of calls, I came to expect getting pitched on attachments and upgrades and warranties and bonuses and 2-for-the-price-of-1 deals, but I was frankly surprised by how much of it there was to endure. I counted myself lucky if I got out of a call in less than 20 minutes.

I was also surprised to find the price inching up as the minutes ticked by. Take the Sonic Blade, which costs just three easy payments of $33.33! ... plus, the ad whispers in small type, shipping and handling. The shipping and handling turns out to be a startling $39.94, just for sending you an electric carving knife and its charging stand (well, two knives and two stands, because of a special 2-for-1 deal). Then the (free!) Turn & Store container system and the Sonic Deli Attachment turn out to require an additional $7.45 shipping and handling of their own.

Add taxes to all the S&H;, and the $99.99 Sonic Blade ends up costing $155.63, which is three not-quite-so-easy payments of $51.88. Oh, yeah -- on the wings of that special $39.94 shipping and handling, you can expect your Sonic Blade in ... four to six weeks.

It didn’t take me many boring minutes spent listening to telephone sales pitches before I figured out that I could skip the phone salesperson and order online. It saves time, though you have to go through the same basic rigmarole anyway, in a series of Internet pages.

Would they be worth it? I waited impatiently as the orders dribbled in over the next few weeks. I was most eager for the Sonic Blade because of the array of plus-you-gets it comes with.

There turned out to be even more stuff crammed into the Sonic Blade box than I expected. (By the time it arrived, I’d forgotten I was getting that special 2-for-1 deal.) After a mere 10 hours’ wait for the batteries to charge, I felt like a space cowboy packing two futuristic-looking hand weapons, one armed with the Micro-Slicer and the other with the 5-in-1 blade.

I switched them on. I cut some things. And the futuristic fantasy faded away as I realized this was basically a concept from the 1970s: the electric carving knife.

Though many of these gadgets are flimsily made, most of them work quite well for some specific purpose. The problem is that the TV pitches oversell them, promising they can do all sorts of things they really can’t do -- or at least not as well as utensils you already have, the ones the ads want you to throw away.

The surprise was the Hot Dog Express. It could scarcely be said to cook at express speed, and I prefer my hot dogs grilled anyway, but it’s a sort of kick to watch and would go over well at parties.

When a gadget has had its run on TV, it traditionally faces three possible fates: moving up to kitchen stores (for the more-deserving items), becoming a plus-you-get for some other TV product (a sorrowful fate that happens fairly often) or disappearing forever. These days, there’s also an after-market, comparable to the DVD release after a movie leaves the theaters. The product may show up on Internet shopping sites such as www.asseenontv.com, www.asseenontvchannel.com or www.asontv.com (different outfits, by the way) or in a shopping mall store that specializes in TV gadgets.

But here’s a little-known fact (a secret tip that can save you piles of money!). You can often get a better price on these gizmos (with faster and more reasonably priced shipping) on EBay than you can from either the phone number at the bottom of your screen or shopping websites. It’s food for thought that people put so many TV gadgets up for auction there, some in the unopened box (a spurned gift?), others having been used briefly (hmm).

Remember this tip -- it may change the way you order -- or don’t order -- kitchen gadgets forever!

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Been there, sawed that

The Sonic Blade: An electric carving knife (the impressive slogans “super sonic slicing power” and “non-compression sonic separation” are not explained) with a charging stand/blade storage and two pairs of serrated blades.

The promise: Effortlessly cuts hard and soft foods without crushing, smashing or breaking them apart!

What we thought: A sturdy electric knife, very good for traditional electric knife purposes -- carving roasts, cutting frozen foods and slicing soft things such as bread, tomatoes and marshmallows. Otherwise, like all electric knives, it’s bulky and clumsy for everyday use and likely to gather dust between holiday dinners.

Plus-you-gets: A second knife and set of blades, a 34-recipe cookbook/manual, a nine-tine fork for holding food steady, a plastic sheet for peeling garlic cloves (it actually works), a revolving rack of 12 plastic storage cartons and a plastic deli slicer attachment, which is, in effect, a battery-powered mandoline. The deli attachment can cut paper-thin, but, because it involves sliding the meat across a somewhat flexible plastic board, one part of a slice may be thicker than another.

How much: $100 plus $48 S&H; from (800) 970-1869, www.buysonicblade.com.

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Chop ‘til you drop

The Genius Nicer Dicer: A heavy plastic board fitted with either one-fourth-inch or one-half-inch julienne cutters is hinged to another board with a slotted cutting surface. When you press down sharply on the far end from the hinge, the chopped food ends up in a canister screwed onto the top of the cutters.

The promise: One-step precision cutting -- dices, juliennes, chops!

What we thought: The age-old chopper-dicer idea enhanced with better leverage and sharp, sturdy cutter blades; on the cusp between a useful utensil and a space-consuming gadget. Despite the name, this is a slicer, not a dicer. If you want diced potatoes or squash, you have to slice them crosswise first or all you’ll get is julienne slices. Not good (no matter what the recipe book says) for fresh herbs, which it tends to crush, making for clogging and extra cleanup, or French fries, which come out noticeably curved because of the hinge action. It would be useful if you often have to chop lots of onions or tomatoes or soft, awkwardly shaped things such as hard-boiled eggs, but emptying the gimmicky topside canister interrupts your work.

Plus-you-gets: Two canisters with lids, a plastic vegetable peeler, a 38-recipe cookbook and a coupon good for a steak-by-mail offer (which, by the way, anybody can get by just going to www.omahasteaks.com/offer.

How much: $38 plus $8.50 S&H; from (800) 238-7119, www.tvtimedirect.com; $40 plus $8 S&H; from (877) 441-5511, www.nicerdicer.com; $40 plus $8 S&H; from (800) 832-4443, Genius USA.

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Boiling on the outside

Pasta Express: You put ingredients in a plastic cylinder, wrap it with an insulating pad, pour in boiling water and seal the lid. After seven minutes (pasta or vegetables) to 15 minutes (sausages), you pour out the water and they’re done.

The promise: Cooks pasta perfectly before your eyes in minutes!

What we thought: Amazingly, pasta comes out al dente if you follow the instructions (it clumps a little but doesn’t stick together). But why bother? You’ve already boiled the water -- why not throw the pasta into the pot, rather than using this unnecessary gadget? That said, it does an excellent job on asparagus, which comes out neat and perfectly done.

Plus-you-gets: A 16-recipe cookbook.

How much: $10 plus $7.50 S&H; from www.asseenontvguys.com; $15 plus $4.50 S&H; from www.amerimark.com; $19 plus $10 S&H; from www.tvmarketplace.net; $20 plus $8 S&H; from www.asseenontv.com (includes a second plastic cylinder, a pasta fork and spoon and a spaghetti portion measurer).

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Home theater

Hot Dog Express: Put as many as eight hot dogs on a grid of rollers mounted over a drip pan and heating element, then close a clear plastic lid, put your buns on the lid to warm and wait 12 minutes.

The promise: Cooks hot dogs the professional way right on your countertop! So versatile it cooks many other foods!

What we thought: There are faster ways to cook a sausage, but glistening ranks of rotating hot dogs have the same simple allure at home that they have in your local multiplex, so this would be fun for parties, especially children’s parties and pool parties. One drawback: It’s too small for Nathan’s or other extra-long hot dogs, so you can only do four of those at a time. We doubt anybody really uses the Hot Dog Express for cooking fish, vegetables, eggs and the other silly purposes the company suggests. Corn on the cob took us 40 minutes, though putting it in boiling water would need only five. Eggs and pancakes cook slowly on the drip pan, where they may leak into the grease drains.

Plus-you-gets: A four-page manual and a pair of plastic tongs.

How much: $30 plus $5 S&H; from (800) 829-2685, www.clevergear.com; $30 plus $19.50 S&H; from www.amazon.com.

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Micro processor

The Magic Bullet: A small food processor with a twist. Instead of having a lid, the processing bowl (or “bullet cap”) screws -- upside down -- onto the base that holds the rotating blade. Comes with two sizes of processing bowl, a chopping blade and a coffee grinding/cream whipping blade.

The promise: Chops, mixes, blends, grinds, whips and more; does any job in under 10 seconds!

What we thought: It purees quickly, but chopping can be a little irregular. With sticky ingredients, you have to shake the device while it processes to keep them within reach of the blades -- the sort of problem that you solve in a conventional food processor by taking off the lid and scraping down the sides. The motor shuts off if you run it continuously for more than a minute. The machine seems designed for singles; it’s best for pureeing small quantities, and you can drink a smoothie from the processing bowl. But there are less expensive small food processors that don’t require all that screwing and inverting and unscrewing.

Plus-you-gets: Four threaded mugs that screw into the base for making drinks, four rings to fit over the threads when you’re drinking from the mugs, two lids for storing stuff in a mug or processing bowl, a ground Parmesan/spice shaker top, a perforated top so you can microwave food in a processing bowl and a 73-recipe cookbook.

How much: $55 plus $20 S&H; from (800) 875-2060, www.asseenontvchannel.com; $60, free S&H;, from (866) 277-3366, www.asseenontv.com and www.walgreens.com; $60 plus $10 S&H; from www.amazon.com. A deluxe edition adds a conventional processor bowl and a juicer: $100 plus $20 S&H; from www.expotv.com and (866) 446-6352, www.buythebullet.com.