Taking a flier on election day

UNTIL A FEW WEEKS ago I knew precious little about the state Assembly -- like, for instance, that it existed. Then, suddenly, my mail was awash with brochures from 42nd District Democratic candidates Abbe Land, who has “a passion for justice” and no passion for spelling “Abbie,” and Mike Feuer, who has a Jewfro and a mustache that implies he got a lot of action back in 1978 and thus decided to never change his look.

In the last month, Land and Feuer have sent more mail to my house than Victoria’s Secret. The mailers didn’t tell me much about them or what assemblypersons do, but they did make me want to vote for someone in today’s primary who didn’t mail me anything.

Luckily, it turns out lots of people want to represent me in this Assembly thing. Besides Land and Feuer, there are three other Democrats, two Republicans and a Libertarian -- none of whom were bothering me. So, in the name of democracy, I decided to bother them.

Democrat Eric Fine listed his occupation on today’s ballot as “marijuana legalization coordinator.” This is surprising not only because this is not a job (he’s a property manager) but because Fine is not a Democrat (he ran in the last three elections as a Libertarian).

Even more surprising for a guy who describes himself as a marijuana legalization coordinator, he suggested meeting at 10:30 a.m. on a Saturday. Over breakfast at Factor’s Deli, Fine explained why he didn’t raise money for mailers. “I feel bad asking people for money,” he said. “Plus I’d have to fill out all these forms for the government.” I believed him on the second reason, but from what I know about pot smokers, I had some trouble with the first one.

When I asked Fine how he was doing in the polls, he explained to me that “my voters don’t take polls.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that his voters also don’t vote.

I met Democrat Cynthia Toussaint downtown at her office for her nonprofit organization. Toussaint, a former ballerina, has a disease that causes constant pain, which, as I knew from the pictures on her website, has put her in a wheelchair. Another thing I noticed when meeting Touissant is that she’s really hot. Though she didn’t send anything in the mail, she did admit to buying some of those automated “robocalls” and a commercial on Adelphia cable that she paid for with $4,500 she raised from friends. Though she does think that, sadly, people vote on the name recognition that mailers provide, she thinks she still has a chance. “When I tell people I’m running for 42nd District Assembly, they say, ‘Oh yeah, I got your fliers.’ ”

The other Democratic candidate, Mark Gonzaga, whose platform revolves around animals and children “since they’re our future,” is fiercely proud that he hasn’t sought donations from special interests. However, as he was standing outside a Petco, passing out the fliers he paid for himself, someone from the Animal Legislative Action Network approached him and later gave him a check. I cannot imagine how much he’d have gotten if he’d distributed fliers outside an Exxon station.

I knew that my district -- which includes Beverly Hills, Hollywood and West Hollywood -- was pretty far left. But I didn’t know just how liberal my neighborhood was until I found out that the Republican Party is controlled by the Log Cabin Republicans. This place is so liberal that if you needed to find someone to argue the pro-life stance, you’d have to teach a fetus to talk.

So it would seem a waste of time and money for Republicans to invest in mailers here. But it turns out that lawyer and Log Cabin Republican Steven Mark Sion did send out campaign brochures to 18,000 households -- more than half of the voters who undoubtedly registered as Republicans by mistake. Sion has a campaign manager, a press secretary and a treasurer, who, he assured me, are in fact three different people.

Sion had to do this because for the first time in memory, the Log Cabin guys have competition. From a straight guy. Named Clark Baker. Who has written more than 100 essays on his positions on his website. And hasn’t mailed out a thing.

Though Baker was very nice and well meaning, shortly after I walked into his house, he told me he was an ex-cop who was found guilty of using excess force and that he disliked the L.A. Times. This guy needed a press secretary immediately.

The only other candidate is Libertarian Colin Goldman, who two years ago told people that he’d give a $1,000 cash prize to one lucky person who pledged on his website to vote for him for state Senate. Unfortunately, Goldman found that his ploy not only wasn’t getting much attention, it was going to cost him $1,000. So he got some friends to call the secretary of state’s office and complain, which caused a lawyer from the office to call him to tell him that it was illegal. This got him lots of press. Goldman clearly has the skills to work in Sacramento.

But he still doesn’t compare to the talents of Land or Feuer. Since the beginning of 2005, Land has raised $613,175 and Feuer $596,572. They each got most of their money from the same people and businesses, which gave equally to each of them. I say, take a stand, West Hollywood Picture Framing!

After meeting all the candidates -- all of whom seemed well intentioned -- I think those mailers full of platitudes actually did tell me something. Land and Feuer have been vetted. A fair number of organizations believe in them enough to give them money and time. Sure, this means the teachers unions will slow down school reform, but it also means that they’ll work within the system for compromise.

Those who decry money in politics may be well meaning, but they are largely misguided. Feuer and Land really are the most experienced candidates. Maybe there’s a Mr. Smith among the others who is worth taking a risk on, but these two are the most likely to be able to work within the system in Sacramento. If only Feuer could do something about the ‘stache and fro.