English Relish the Foot Notes

A remarkable lack of clamor followed an extraordinary weekend statement from two independent doctors who had examined Wayne Rooney’s famous foot.

You know that renowned metatarsal injury that captivated England and its tabloids for six weeks?

Wasn’t as daunting as most soccer metatarsal injuries.

Such insouciance about such a revelation could happen only in a country with a keen understanding that life is generally preposterous.

For six weeks between April 29 and the start of the World Cup in Germany, England had fixated on the injured metatarsal of the star striker Rooney, perhaps because it realized that without Rooney, its offense resembled that of the United States 1998, not to dredge ghouls.

Yet even with this peerless podiatry expertise, the English learned more about metatarsals after two renowned doctors flew to Germany, examined Rooney’s eminent foot and issued a judgment.

England, knowing more about metatarsals?

Almost inconceivable.

Until Dr. Angus Wallace and Dr. Christopher G. Moran of Nottingham University Hospitals Trust, Queen’s Medical Centre Campus, told the world that Rooney’s fracture had involved the spongy bone at the basis of the metatarsal rather than the hard bone of the metatarsal shaft.

As every fool knows (especially in England), it’s far preferable to break that spongy bone.

Wallace and Moran made that point as they delivered their disclosure through England’s Football Assn.

“We were able to confirm that this fracture was quite different from the typical metatarsal shaft fracture,” their statement began, “but was a fracture involving the spongy (cancellous) bone at the basis of the metatarsal. The bone heals approximately three times more quickly than the hard (cortical) bone of the metatarsal shaft. This was not a stress fracture, which often takes longer to heal.”

Also: “Wayne had discomfort in his foot for only five days and now has been pain-free for six weeks.”

In other words, had the nation of 50 yearning million known about the cancellous rather than the cortical, it might not have presumed Rooney questionable for the entire World Cup, let alone fretted through the entirety of May.

Yet when presented with the spongy scoop, the English made no apparent ruckus, no protest, no thick black tabloid headlines, hardly any headlines at all.

It’s almost as if they understood in the fiber of their bones that the Rooney vex had sustained them for all those anticipatory days, maybe even provided some distraction on an absurd planet.

What fun, after all, to hear how Rooney’s employer, Sir Alex Ferguson of Manchester United, got all imperious and indignant over his speedy recovery.

Rooney to start Tuesday against Sweden?

But of course.

Twas only a spongy bone.