Table is set, and they might be talking turkey

A few years back I wrote about my distaste for a fifth table setting at Thanksgiving, and the Grocery Store Bagger’s efforts to sleep with my daughter, who was already married at the time.

The fact she was married to him didn’t make it any more acceptable as far as I was concerned.

As you know, he succeeded, and so this year the table will be set for six. Or seven, I guess, if the 7-Eleven Kid insists on being accompanied by Elmo, who as I understand it, has stuffing issues.

I suppose some people consider it a plus that we’re all back on speaking terms after our summer RV vacation, but it might’ve been more waiting to see who broke first when it came time to asking for the mashed potatoes to be passed.

I could probably go the rest of my life without asking someone to pass the wife’s mashed potatoes.

Now I know from talking to people that some folks really do like their families, and probably also like to watch reruns of “Little House on the Prairie.” Maybe if my kids had called me “Paw” things would’ve been different, but mention “half pint” in our family, and everyone figures the old man is hitting the bottle again.

The 7-Eleven Kid is supposed to call me “G.P.,” but right now she refers to me as “Pee,” and I find it a little disconcerting that no one seems interested in correcting her. It certainly doesn’t deserve the applause it draws.

I remain confident, of course, we will become closer as a family one day. I hold out hope that someone will come along whom I really like -- who will also be willing to marry Miss Radio Personality.

We’ve begun soliciting dates for the kid on the father/daughter radio gabfest with Uncle Fred each morning, and although the first guy we enticed to take her out with the offer of a limo, free dinner and movie stood her up, it just means I’m going to have be a little more patient when it comes to picking the next son-in-law.

I know from experience, a good man is hard to find.

As for today, we’ll all be together for the first time since the family staged a mutiny and returned home halfway through the RV debacle. I will say this, though, there’s already a feeling of goodwill in the air, and for my part, I’m now going to allow everyone to use the indoor bathroom. You see, I’m not as bad as everyone says.

The concern, though, is that when it comes time to give thanks before dinner, a family tradition in which each person is called on to talk about the last year, it could get ugly again. I’ve been told even Elmo might have something to say.

That’s why I would like to take this opportunity to remind the family how blessed we are to have DirecTV, and how many people out there just aren’t as fortunate as we are on this Thanksgiving.

Just imagine what it’d be like to be trapped with the family all day with no hope of escape at night’s end watching the Denver-Kansas City game -- because you’re a cable customer who doesn’t get the NFL Network.

GARY MATTHEWS, a career .249 hitter before the start of last season, became a .313 hitter last season with the motivation of knowing he’d be a free agent and get the chance to make big money when it was over.

Now that the Angels have signed him to a $50-million deal for five years, just think what he’ll mean to the Angels’ attack in 2011 when he positions himself once again for a salary drive.

FIRST OF all, Juan Pierre looks funny in a baseball cap, and we’ve already got enough people laughing at the Dodgers. We’re also supposed to believe it’s a good thing Pierre played in 162 games for the Cubs, although it means they lost 96 with Pierre in the lineup.

IT’S NOT often you get a son-in-law urging Page 3 to say something nice about his mother-in-law.

But Darren Duffy e-mailed wanting to honor “the most dynamic woman I have ever met,” Sumiye Onodera Leonard, 78, and who will be inducted into the Track and Field Hall of Fame Dec. 2 in Indianapolis.

Leonard, who survived a head-on crash in 2003 requiring numerous surgeries to get back on her feet, took up running at age 58 after her husband died. She’s the current world-record holder in the 70-75 age group in 800 meters. I guess that means she runs on occasion against Dwyre.

SO I found myself whining to A.B. Jackson, who works in the Chick Hearn Media Room in Staples Center for every evening event, about getting up at 4 a.m. to do radio and then covering the Lakers or Clippers late into the night.

Then Jackson tells me he gets up at 4 each morning, has been doing so for more than a decade while working as a mailman, and then works a second job late into the night at Staples. And he’s never tired, and always in a good mood.

That makes him nothing like the athletes I cover, but the most consistent, friendly and happy person that I run into regularly. Now there’s someone who really should be making millions of dollars for a job well done.

DR. KATHLEEN SAKAMOTO called to check on Santa, a.k.a. Tom Lasorda, and see how he’s doing. I told her I was pretty sure he was eating.

Lasorda is going to play Santa at the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA Christmas party and pass out toys to more than 200 children.

“I hope he understands he has to act like Santa at all times and promise the kids nothing,” Dr. Sakamoto said. “There also can be no swearing.”

Thanks to those folks who have already donated Santa Claus outfits for Lasorda, but apparently we’re also going to need a real good muzzle.

T.J. Simers can be reached at

t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to

latimes.com/simers.