Goodnight, moonshine
WHEN I put Bonzo to bed each night, I am struck by the sad state of children’s books. I’ve read him -- and his siblings -- maybe 1,000 bedtime stories over the years, few of them very memorable. Most are penned by people who seem never to have left their kitchens, who write in their skivvies, with Dr. Phil on in the background. Wait, that’s me.
Anyway, I give you a new kind of children’s story, one grounded in reality, to entertain both children and adults:
“Daddy and the Mini-Bar”
Page 1: Daddy is taking a business trip. He likes business trips. There are always lots of great things to see.
Page 2: Daddy knows airports can be hectic places. So he leaves a little early -- Tuesday for a Thursday flight.
Page 3: At the airport, there are many lines. Strangers in blue polyester uniforms rifle through Daddy’s clothes. They confiscate his Prell.
Page 4: Daddy barely makes his flight. Silly Daddy!
Page 5: “Welcome aboard KYFG (Kiss Your Fanny Goodbye) Airlines,” the flight attendant says. “Let us pray.”
Page 6: KYFG Airlines doesn’t serve food.
Page 7: KYFG charges $10 to use the restroom.
Page 8: KYFG charges $100 to land safely and in one piece.
Page 9: Everybody cheers when they land safely and in one piece.
Page 10: Daddy discovers that Atlanta is very special.
Page 11: They have made many improvements here recently. Slavery is pretty much over. The fires Sherman set are pretty much out.
Page 12: The next day, Daddy gives a big presentation in Atlanta.
Page 13: Daddy lands several of his punch lines, especially the one about the priest, the rabbi and the two Frenchmen.
Page 14: Daddy’s boss doesn’t look too happy about the story about the priest, the rabbi and the two Frenchmen.
Page 15: Daddy’s boss is much like Mommy. At critical moments, he completely loses his sense of humor.
Page 16: Back at the hotel, Daddy calls home.
Page 17: It’s nice to hear a friendly voice from far away. In soccer, “Bobby scored TWO goals!” Mommy tells him.
Page 18: Daddy hangs up. Hotels can be lonely places.
Page 19: “Hmmm, what’s this?” Daddy says, discovering the mini-bar.
Page 20: Daddy likes mini-bars. They are like candy machines for big people.
Page 21: “Hello,” says Daddy to the vodka. “Come here often?”
Page 22: Daddy has a nice dinner at the mini-bar.
Page 23: “Atlanta ain’t so bad,” Daddy says to himself. “I wonder whatever happened to Jane Fonda.”
Page 24: “Hello, information?” Daddy says into the phone. “Give me Jane Fonda.”
Page 25: Daddy is a little blitzed. He falls asleep with a can of Pringles on his chest, also from the mini-bar ($18).
Page 26: The next morning, Daddy has a headache and doesn’t know where he is. There is a special term for this: It’s called “a hangover.”
Page 27: Daddy takes a taxi back to the airport.
Page 28: The man at the counter says Daddy’s flight is way overbooked.
Page 29: “$!%$* great,” Daddy grumbles.
Page 30: A bomb-sniffing dog wanders by Daddy. He zeroes in on Daddy’s private place.
Page 31: “Sir, would you come with me?” the nice man from Homeland Security says.
Page 32: Eventually, Daddy is released.
Page 33: Daddy spends the next four hours at the airport bar waiting for the next available flight. He drinks straight orange juice and watches soccer teams he’s never heard of.
Page 34: “GOOOOOOAL,” shouts the man next to him.
Page 35: “Hey senor, could you keep it down?” Daddy asks.
Page 36: There is a brief shoving match. Daddy takes a swing.
Page 37: Daddy calls Mommy from the Atlanta jail. “I’m running a little late,” he explains. “They overbooked my flight.”
Page 38: Eventually, Daddy is released.
Page 39: At the airport, there are many lines.
Page 40: Daddy loves to travel. There are always lots of great things to see.
Chris Erskine can be reached at chris.erskine@latimes.com, or at myspace.com/chriserskine.
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