HYPE GRIPE
Bored by Beckham.
If Los Angeles’ newest sports star makes an impact beyond reality television shows and surreal gossip columns, I will stop using lame movie metaphors to describe him, OK?
But, for now, nothing else comes to mind.
David Beckham shows up to join the Galaxy soccer team and meet the Los Angeles media today, and I have but one thought.
Dude, where have you been?
Your final game for your Real Madrid team was nearly a month ago. Since then, the Galaxy has played four games, and won one. It will play another game before you actually take the field next weekend.
Dude, for $32.5 million, couldn’t you have caught an earlier flight?
Baffled by Beckham.
One of the most publicized sports stars in the world shows up today more than six months after he agreed to the contract, and excuse me if I can’t find the chills.
He is clearly showing up not as an athlete, but a celebrity. He is being chatted up not in sports bars, but star blogs. Folks are viewing him not as a leader of men, but as the husband of Posh.
Olde England and “Access Hollywood” are going nuts about him, but I get the feeling that the heart of Los Angeles just doesn’t care.
Soccer experts say he will be like Shaquille O’Neal, but around here, he’s bringing Mark Madsen buzz.
Culture honks say he will soon own this town like Kobe Bryant, but right now, most people would rather watch Reggie Willits.
Ask your buddies at work this morning about their excitement over the newest Los Angeles sports arrival.
“Yeah, Derek Fisher is cool,” they will say.
We won’t know Beckham’s true impact, obviously, until he starts playing games. But at this rate, he is going to have to bend the ball from Carson to Rancho Cucamonga to affect our landscape beyond making Galaxy season-ticket holders smile.
“He is more pop star Hollywood than soccer player,” acknowledged Jason Bunch, 37, one of those season-ticket holders. “He will be great for soccer fans. But I don’t think he’s going to be able to convert Joe Football Player Fan.”
When Beckham signed here in January, I thought it would be different. I thought by now, the town would be talking. I thought any skepticism about soccer would be replaced an appreciation of good entertainment.
And goodness, the media have tried to push that agenda, with everything from national magazine covers to stories on the front of our sports section that shoved good baseball stories inside.
But it turns out, we’re the only folks talking loudly about this stuff.
His sports attraction has been diminished because of two promising Dodgers and Angels seasons and one nutty Lakers off-season. His soccer attraction has been marginalized by purists who know better.
“Any buzz has been media-driven,” Bunch said. “I work with a lot of soccer players, and I don’t hear anybody talking about Beckham.”
I thought by now this would be a prime-time sports story. Instead, it is a better Perez Hilton story, the renowned blogger working overtime to feed its Hollywood appetite.
“It’s more than soccer, it’s bigger than sports,” Hilton said. “It’s David and Victoria, it’s Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it’s Hollywood.”
Hilton has documented Beckham’s move from Posh to slosh, yet does he plan on actually watching the dude play soccer?
“I will probably attend one game, but not more than one,” Hilton said. “It’s a trek to get to their stadium, isn’t it?”
Exactly my point. Beckham’s appeal is as a tourist attraction, the latest Disneyland ride, the hot new Pantages musical.
The reporter in me will lead me to cover at least his first game, on July 21 against Chelsea.
But the sports fan in me would much rather be watching Russell Martin against the New York Mets, and I guess I’m not alone.
Just ask Brian Doogan, who has been in town for two weeks covering the Beckham story for the Sunday Times of London.
Yeah, two weeks, poor guy.
If I didn’t keep scanning the Internet for more Derek Fisher news, I would have finished my only Beckham buzz column in less than two hours.
I asked Doogan if he had picked up any sense of Los Angeles excitement.
“I have to say no,” he said, pausing. “But maybe I haven’t been in places where soccer people congregate.”
Where soccer people do congregate, Beckham is more about style than substance.
“Whether or not he performs is irrelevant,” Bunch said. “It’s all about the atmosphere he generates on the pitch.”
Sure, he has been compared to Wayne Gretzky, yet Gretzky played here during the last great years of his career, and was good enough to lead the Kings to the Stanley Cup finals. Beckham is past his best years, and has the sort of subtle skills that rarely fuel revivals, particularly on lousy teams.
The Galaxy has won three of 12 games; I predict he won’t take them anywhere but to the bank.
Did you know our newest sports star has a cologne, called “Instinct?”
Right now, my instinct is that it smells like a yawn.
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Bill Plaschke can be reached at bill.plaschke@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Plaschke, go to latimes.com/plaschke.
